Advertisements
I am hesitant to write this and as I start I am still not sure if I'll hit the post button or just delete it. So please don't blast me for ignorance or for being too worried, just respect that I'm struggling when you respond.
We have a 10 year old (as of the birthday tomorrow) that has moved in as an adoptive placement and this is our first child so we are new to parenting, although not new to children. There is a young girl nearby that is a good friend that she enjoys spending time with.
I am worried that she is bonding more to the friend and the friend's family than us. Her friend is not the best influence in terms of appropriate behavior and maybe that is clouding my opinion too much.
She plays with her friend at least once a day, and she likes to play at the friends house. She talks to the adults there - about her day, about her birthfamily and birth siblings. She won't talk to us yet about those things but she openly shares with them.
The other day we told her she had to be home by 6:30 for dinner. We called over there at 6 because I wanted to assure the mom there that she could send her back over when they ate if they planned to eat before we did. At that point I learned that she had sat there while they ate (didn't eat but sat with them). We have always considered dinner to be family time but if she's spending that with them too that confuses - in my opinion - which one is the adoptive family. I plan to talk to that mom to ensure that this doesn't happen again relative to dinner.
I want her to have friends and I know that her friends are important at this age. But I want her to bond with us.
So, any suggestions on (1) how much time with a single friend is okay (2) how do you limit time with friends without being overbearing (3) ways to ensure she bonds with us when she spends time with another family?
Or should I just let it go and see what happens over time? If I wait, does it make it harder?
Like
Share
Advertisements
If she has been moved a lot she maybe afraid to get too attached for fear of being rejected one more time. If she is hanging out with the neighbors she might be avoiding building a relationship with you for fear that she might be hurt again.
I would get her involved in other activities such as dance, indoor soccer, basketball or what ever is available in your area. It would allow her to build friendships beyond this one chiild.
Something else you might consider is the family go for attachment therapy to help build the bond.
It's easier for her to bond with them because they are not invested in her. She won't lose anything if they reject her. I wonder if you can keep her busy with FUN stuff and relieve the need for her to spend so much time with her friend. Do things with her alone, but then invite her friend over sometime too. When she goes to her friend's home, let her go for a half-hour. Tell her to come home and never to stay during meal time.
{{{{Shelley}}]
If I remember correctly your daughter has only just arrived?
My daughter came at 6 almost 7 and we took a very loooooooonnnnng time before she was able to handle spending time at friends houses and only now with limited people. My suggestion to you would be to only have play dates with friends a couple of times a week and for very short periods. I would say only at your house but if the other child is fairly new in her placement that may not work for the other family too so I can understand that you may want to compromise somewhat around that. Are you able to speak with the other Mom about bonding and attachment and how very very important it is that your new daughter spends most of her time with you? Maybe plan some girl things with the other Mom and your two daughters together.
i would also limit how many extra curricular things she goes in yet. I would suggest that you go swimming together once a week or to a pottery class together or that kind of thing. She really needs to be with you almost at all times. Bonding first friends second.
Advertisements