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Hi, I am new to this forum. I am an adoptive parent trying to get some insight from adoptees. On some other forums it was made clear that to many I am a kidnapper. I am sorry for the hurt and anger experienced by these adoptees and I know that a sense of hurt and loss is inevitable. What I am trying to avoid by getting input from adoptees is my daughter thinking of me as a kidnapper. It does make me sad that others see me that way, but really, in the end, I just don't want her to feel that level of hurt and betrayal.
Anyway, I am hoping to just get my question answered. Even if many think I am a kidnapper, I still just want to do what's best for my daughter and I can't change the fact that she is adopted now. I am trying to make the best of what may have been an uniformed decision on my and my husband's part.
We have done a search to find her Russian family. It was successful. We received pictures, video tape and family history on her mother's side. She knows she is adopted, knows she was born in Russia and knows her birth mother's name. She also has a picture. I have not shared the details of her relinquishment with her (specifially WHY she was relinquished). Mostly because she has never asked. It is not as simple as her mother was poor and wanted a better life for her. I will never tell her that b/c it is not true (although her mother is poor). However, I am unsure what to say when she asks b/c the truth will be extremely hurtful. It also involves some details that I don't think a 5 year old would understand. I am wary of posting all the details on a public forum. Other forums have told me I should tell her everything NOW and I have no right to keep it from her. I agree with that to a certain extent. I have no right to keep it from her and I won't, but some things no 5 year old is mature enough to understand and process. Am I totally off base? (I am open to the suggestion that I may be).
I would love some feedback on how to handle this, without all the hate please! i do understand the objection to international adoption, and maybe reform is something my daughter and I can work on together but for now I am trying to get some insight from adoptees. Specifically how you feel about the details of your relinquishment/adoption and whether a 5 year old should be told EVERYTHING. I know the WHY question is coming, I don't know what the best way is to handle it other than to never lie or make something up.
Thanks so much.
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Hi kme. I feel your suffering and distress; I'm so sorry you are enduring this pain. I am 40 years old and have never heard the word "kidnapper' used in reference to adoptive parents. Since "kidnap" means to steal, abduct, take away by force, hold as prisoner, most often for ransom; I do not see how such a word can be justified, especially given the financial sacrifice of the adoptive parents. I only see an act of Love from you for your "chosen" child. Be confident in your maternal instincts...you know your daughter and what is appropriate with regards to the extent of information you share and at what age. Enjoy your family! (No more negative distractions, okay? : ) GBU
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Unless you went to Russian and picked a random child in a crowd and left for the US with her, you are not a kidnapper. Adoption needs to be done ethically to protect the dignity and rights of all involved, but advocating for that is a long way from calling adoptive parents kidnappers. There are extremists in all walks of life, and the internet seems to give people a license to shout things they'd never whisper in real life. Anyone suggesting you lay out out the messy details for a five year old, is more interested in their own agenda then your daughter's welfare. Either that or they know very little about child development. Talk to your daughter. Tell her the truth but do so in age appropriate way. As a mother, you do this all the time. If your daughter asks you about the death of a family member you tell her they are gone, but you don't go into the details of their suffering and misery in the last few weeks of life. If your child asks about sex, you don't give her the graphic details, you answer in an age appropriate way. The same thing goes for her adoption story. The same goes for her adoption story. Give her the truth, but do so in a way that she can process. Add more details in time. Always speak with respect about her biological family. ****I'm an adoptive mom, not an adoptee but I ran my answer by my daughter, and she basically said the same thing. Her words for the people who called you a kidnapper were not as polite as mine.
I believe I saw your post on another forum. It's brave for AP's to go there. I think it's safe to say that the majority of adoptees don't feel they've been kidnapped. Some, like me are extremely grateful to have such a great adoptive and bio family. Others have different experiences, but I think there are biological families that have issues too. International adoption presents unique problems, but that doesn't mean it's a horrible thing, or something that she will have major issues. It would be nice if you could help her capture her culture in any way. Language, meeting with other russians, museums, videos as she gets older, music etc... I admire how much you are trying to figure things out. That alone will help her immensely.
I was told a long time ago that once a child starts asking question you must be honest but based on age.
My daughter had a hard time in Kindergarten last year. We are a transraical family and the kids were telling her I was not her real mom. It actually took me a couple weeks to get her to tell me the whole story. But for two weeks she was very mad and would make horrible comments to me.
Once I found out the issue we had a heart to heart. She had by then already started the fantasy about her birthmom. She was the best mom ever and she took such care of her while she was in her tummy kind of stuff. I told my daughter that I do believe she loved her however she did not take care of her while she was in her tummy. Her bm chose to take drugs and drink during those months and that was not healthy for either of them. As hard as that conversation was I do believe it made our relationship stronger.
One other bit of info I must include is that our ad has access to her bio siblings. And all of the adoptive parents have an agreement that our kids will be told the truth and we discuss what we have told our children. None of us want our children to hear something different and then get the idea that we lied.
Another amomnonkidnapper here, and I know once more of our awesome adoptees see this, they'll chime in.:)Truth is always important and should be a priority. However, what level or detail of truth is shared and when is also very important. Your dd is 5 years old and if her relinquishment is a hurtful story, the only thing that is going to do to her is make her feel bad about HERSELF. She is not emotionally capable at her age of processing details I assume are involved and to me it would be even more harmful to lay all that on a 5 year old's shoulders.So, regardless of the advice you received from the other site, even coming from adoptees, and I totally admit and recognize I don't have their experience, I say they are wrong. Those adult adoptees telling you that need to remember there is a CHILD here and what a child can truly process.
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Birth mom chiming in here. It sounds like you stumbled upon an anti-adoption site, and some of those sites can be downright hateful.
I am not yet in reunion with my son, but did have a semi-open adoption and from what I know of him, I highly doubt he views his parents as "kidnappers" and would be quite surprised, and rather upset, if he ever did. I've spoken to a lot of adoptees in my triad support group, as well, and never once did I hear them express anything remotely close to feeling their adoptive parents were kidnappers.
As far as laying the complete and unvarnished truth on a five year old, I think whoever suggested that is way off base. I think it is important to keep any explanations honest, but age appropriate. Certain details would have to be kept out of the conversation until your daughter is older and better equipped to process them. I'm sure if you follow your gut instinct on this, you will do just fine. You are obviously very sensitive to your daughter's needs and whatever issues do come up, I think you will handle them approrpriately and in a way that will be helpful to your daughter rather than harmful.
First, I don't know what other forum you go on but I know of another one I used to go on that insinuated (so that they could cover their tracks by saying "I never said that!") that adoptive parents were kidnappers. I'm here to tell you that I think that is total BS! I highly HIGHLY doubt that if you bring your daughter up in a loving family environment where she is a cherished part of the family, that she will think of you as a kidnapper or anything other than "mom" (speaking from experience).Secondly, I think the rest of the posters are right on about revealing information to your DD in an age appropriate manner. She doesn't need (and I'm sure doesn't want) all of the dirty details right this minute. As time goes on and she matures, she will be able to handle more of the information until she learns all of it.I understand that the adoptees that gave you that advise don't want you to lie to your daughter. Lying is NEVER the answer...but putting all of that difficult information on a 5 year old is almost as bad as flat out lying to her. 5 year old children do not know how to process that information without thinking it is their fault in some way.Anyway, I suggest you come here to a.com more often as it seems to me that we are much more realistic and level headed about things like this.By the way, WELCOME to the forums! I've been here about 6 months now (wow! has it been that long already?) and absolutely love everyone here!Feel free to PM me for anything if you have questions that you need answered from an adoptee perspective that you don't want to ask in public.=D
KME, From your post I would have to say that you have already done more to ensure your daughters well being just by following your heart and gut instincts. You appear to also have done your homework on how adoption can affect an adoptee in the different stages of our lives. Well done! Age appropriate info and only you will be able to judge when is the right time for the sad stuff to be added. No one else will be able to tell if your daughter is mature enough to get it, without turning it into it's their fault. Go with your gut. The adoptees here (me included) love their mom and dad and support adoptions done ethically and with the child's best interest at the forefront. You are welcome here and all questions are fair game. Just for the record, I also support open records for adoptees once they reach the age of majority. I also firmly believe that medical history is extremely important and crucial to insure a process is in place to provide info both ways for life. Welcome to the forums... Kind regards,Dickons
Thank you all for your responses. They were helpful. I am looking into Russian language classes or instruction of some kind (I know a Russian woman here who may be able to help and have contacted her) and I have contacted our searcher about ongoing correspondence with my daughter's Russian family. I am finding this forum helpful as I read through the threads. I also feel very strongly about open records and giving my daughter all her information, after all it is hers. Sometimes it's just tricky trying to figure out how to go about it. I don't want to just blurt out all the details to a 5 year old. She considers herself to have "2 moms" even though she has no memory of her first mom. I don't even know if this is a good thing, bad thing, or neutral but I am fine with it b/c it is true. I am trying to let her lead the way as much as I can. Any thoughts about the "2 moms" way of thinking? My gut tells me it's OK but not really sure, I don't know who to ask these types of questions to so that's why I am here. If my questions sound naive it's b/c they are. If they sound insensitive, I don't mean them to. If I ask a question, it's because I honestly want to know and if I am WAY off base, please tell me! thanks!
hpfreak080, thanks for offering to answer private questions. I will keep that in mind and may pm you at some point.
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KME, The two mom thoughts are very normal and realistic. To someone who has never been adopted it is hard to wrap your head around the concept without worrying that it will cause confusion. Trust me, there is no confusion, it simply is what it is. We have a mom we live with and who takes care of us and loves us and a mother who brought us into this world but could not take care of us but made a plan to make sure we were cared for. Of course there will be periods of angst, and perhaps even poorly chosen statements that will hurt badly, especially during the teenage years but those are tough years regardless if you are adopted or bio, just different reasons. Your gut seems to be guiding you in the right direction. I hope you have also introduced yourself to the other forums, great people with good solid advice and lots of empathy to share during tough times. Kind regards,Dickons
I look forward to hearing from you should you have any questions =DI agree with Dickons on the "2 moms" thinking. Kids are very perceptive (moreso than they are typically given credit for) and she KNOWS which mom is which and which mom does what (i.e. she knows you are the mom that is with her everyday, does stuff for her, comforts her, etc.). Though children are highly perceptive, they are not equipped with the vocabulary to accurately explain themselves sometimes. Therefore, to her, the "moms" are different and are associated differently even if she just says "I have 2 moms," to her, it all makes sense.Don't worry, you'll figure it out, she already has lol
kme - I saw the other thread, and applaud your bravery in trying again on another site, the comments directed at you were, no doubt, extremely difficult to take.
To the others who provided thoughtful information and advice here, I want to express my gratitude for your openness, and for making me, as an soon to be AP feel welcome. I look forward to listening to and learning from everyone here.
Kme, I have to agree with the other posters. You have done nothing wrong (unless adopting your dd is wrong...I suspect when she is old enough, she won't feel that way...I am married to an adult adoptee with two adopted sibs who are truly happy rto have been adopted). Please don't let anti-adoption sites get you down...I discovered some when my dd(adopted) was a toddler and I wish I hadn't. Parent from a place of love, not fear. You obviously are a great mom to be thinking of what lies ahead. You can share your dd's story at an age appropriate level...my dd is four and I don't think she will be ready for the "whole truth" for quite some time, tho everything we tell her is true. Good luck.
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