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Hello, I haven't posted in these forums in a little over two years. At the time I was considering placing and I ended up giving in into the pressures of the birthfather and the agency maybe partially due to lack of support from elsewhere in my life, and thinking that was the only people who were there for me. Anyways, shortly afterwards I realized what a mistake it was and have been pushing those feelings down ever since. I placed in January 2008.
Anyways I've been having really stressful panic attacks lately, especially if I have a drink or two I flip out with anger for no particular reason.
On Saturday I went to a family wedding and my stepsisters were all drunk and decided to talk a bunch of crap about me to my boyfriend about my choice of adoption and how I could have just given the baby to them, that I was so selfish, ect. ect. when they were no where in sight when I was pregnant. When I got home from the wedding (and I had drank a few glasses of wine), I started arguing with my boyfriend and then I had a huge panic attack and just started screaming. My neighbors called the police and said my boyfriend was beating the crap out of me and screamed at him out the window when he was leaving "@ssh*le, you are surrounded" (not true, he's never laid a hand on me) so the police showed up, my boyfriend had already left, and I was crying and telling the police I was okay and that my boyfriend had already left. I'm so embarrassed, I can't even face my neighbors and I am trying to find a new place as soon as I can get out of my lease.
My boyfriend thinks I have post traumatic stress disorder (he had it when he got back from the war) and wants me to get counseling because my freak outs have been so bad the past few months. These freak outs weren't even present our whole first year together but it just seems like feelings are catching up with me and spilling all over the place.
Ugh, I just need somewhere to talk about these things. I feel so crazy right now. Sorry to unload on everybody when I haven't been here in so long.
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Oh, Cali, I'm so sorry you are going through all this. Don't worry about not posting in awhile. I don't think anyone here would hold that against you.
What your stepsisters did was terrible. It's easy to say we are "selfish" for doing what we think at the time is the right thing, those women are not in our shoes and will never understand the complexities involved in adoption. And as you noted, they were nowhere to be found when you were pregnant and needed support. So, I say they are talking out of their butts when they say you could have given the baby to them. The way they sound, I wouldn't WANT to give my baby to them! And they act as if it would be so easy to place your baby with other family members when I think it would be just as hard or even harder!
It sounds like all the feelings you've been stuffing down are breaking through. You need to get this out and allow yourself to grieve in a healthy way. What happened with the neighbors happened. I think they will all calm down after a bit, so try not to worry too much about that.
I highly recommend getting counseling to help you get through all this. And keep coming here and vent when you need to!!
Thanks JustPeachy for your kind words. I wouldn't have wanted to place him with their family under any circumstance; They aren't very good at taking care of their own children and always pawn them off on other family members. It would have definitely been harder to place him with family and see him all the time! That is just insanity to me.I am trying to find counseling in my city that is low cost; I'm still searching but rather do it this method than through the agency I used because they kind of discarded me after I signed all the paperwork. I told my son's a-mom about that because she knows one of the owners of the agency (they met months after placement, when the a-parents decided to accept jobs in my state) and then people from the agency started calling me out of the blue, saying they heard I needed someone to talk to. It was all too little too late for me (like a year and a half too late!).My boyfriend wants me to start a journal and write out all my feelings (besides counseling); He thinks it will help a great deal. His best friend died in his arms in the war, so he understands something about dealing with loss, even if it is a bit different.
Calirosie...I agree with your BF. Journaling will help in all areas. It is like a defrag unit in a compt....it cleans up all the half occupied spaces, puts them all together and cleans up all the ragged parts. It will make your life story more meaningful to you. It is not easy to write your story and it will take time, but in the end you will have more strength and be more focused on what you want....I wish you the best.
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I am sorry, so very sorry for the pain you are going through. Grief is one of the hardest feelings to deal with honesty because it is so very intense, personal and real. Repressing grief is one of the stages and you have now moved out of that stage. You need someone to talk to so I hope you keep looking but stick around here as there are so many who understand. Stay away from toxic family members and as you are already aware that alcohol makes it worse, avoid it too. Take care,Dickons