Need some OA Tips & Advice (Another article topic)

I am an adoptive mom. My son's birthday is 2 days before Christmas so we have a combo Christmas/Hannukah/birthday celebration with his birth family on his birthday. We invite just them over in the morning for brunch with DS and then later in the day the rest of our family and friends join us for gifts, cake etc. That way DS's birthfamily has their own special time with him and they also get to spend time with our family and friends. It can be easy to get caught up in what you don't want during the holidays. ie "I don't want to spend my holiday with the birth family" so I recommend creating a postive plan that addresses the situation. Instead of saying, "we can't see you on Christmas" say, "we'd love to see you the week before Christmas and exchange gifts then." If you live far away or do not have frequent visits, it is still important to recognize this is an important and probably very difficult time for your child's first family so doing something special will mean a lot, even if you cannot meet face to face. I also think a phone call from you and or your child on the day means a lot. DS left a message on his first mom's answering machine for Thanksgiving Day and it was so cute. These seemingly small gestures show that you are sensitive to their feelings and that you care. It is also a chance to show your child that their relationship with their first family is valued. You don't have to do more than you are comfortable with. But I think it is important for the adoptive parent to take the initiative because many birth parents are afraid of crossing boundaries so they agonize over whether to call or make plans or to just wait for the a parents to step up. So the sooner the adoptive parents make plans the better. Oh...here are some gifts we have given in the past few years: photo calendars of DS (including pics from visits with birh family), painted clay hand imprint, child's artwork in a nice frame, coffee mug with child's photo on it, photo books, dvds of home video, jewelry with child's birthstone in it.

Awesome advice Port! Personally as a first mom, I try to focus alot on the positive stuff in my life and not the negative. My OA isn't so great and I'll be happy if I get a card with a picture or two. I have to choose not to think about that and focus on my family and friends that I have right here and taking care of myself. I have a few traditions that I do for my son. I love to read so I usually buy him a book for Christmas and I always crochet him a new hat. He has a new little brother so I will be doing the same book tradition with him. I agree with port it is important to not do more than you are comfortable with. In the case of a first parent that means if there are siblings and you want to get them something small, great, but don't get pressured into having to do the same as you would for your own child. It also means not agonizing over something to get aparents. Personally I don't get them anything. My focus is Kiddo and that is where I choose to spend my money. I would also add, that sometimes first families feel the same about spending holidays with adoptive parents, the whole, "I don't want to spend Christmas with you" feeling. If you happen to be one of those first parents and get invited on a day you don't want to spend with the afamily, just say, Hey thanks for inviting me, but can we get together on X day instead. I also think it is super important for EVERYONE to remember that the holidays are busy, and that for many of us work doesn't stop, even for that day, and so we have to work around our own families and jobs.