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Not sure if this is the right place to post and sorry for the length there is more but trying to give the short version. And help would be appreciated. My husband and I adoped 2 children, son at age 2 and daughter at age 5. They are half brother and sister.
The problem our D now 15 last Sep was causing all kinds of probs. Stealing from friends, stores, lying, running away, accusing us of false abuse, hanging on total strangers mostly mean to the point our neighbor felt uncomfortable with her in their house. Then she started being abusive to her brother, very defient towards us and was writing letters that she wanted to die, run away cut herself and writing real big HELP ME!!! My husband at the end of Dec after various atempts to get her called DSS and asked to remove her before she would harm us or herself.
She was placed in a group home facility and it was explained to us to give us and her the break and that therapy would be started and it help her.
Well while in the group home she told the DSS worker that she hated us, doesn't want to live with us but loves us and wants a relationship. She also has accused us of false abuse. Our son now 13 is fully attached with no issues and was interviewed without our knowledge at school concerning abuse in our home. It was unfounded because there is no abuse. The court hearings are because we ask that daughter be removed and also the false abuse. (had meeting with sheriff and there are no abuse charges they were falsely made by a 15 yr old)
Fast forward to present day we have been to court concerning now the issues of our daughter coming home, the last court hearing in sept the judge was disappointed with DSS for only having 1 family counseling session since Jan. The months of sept, oct and nov he ordered 3 sessions a month. Which we have had and were going well until the ones this month. We have a hearing the first week of Dec for the judge to decide if she can come home the problem the DSS worker is telling a 15yr old with RAD(therapist diagnoses) that she can decide what she wants. The therapist is trying the best she can do under the conditions. DSS has allowed D to pretty much make her own desicions because while D has lived in group home none of the behavior issues that were present in our home are there.
We have a lawyer fighting DSS and trying to bring our daughter home so that she will get the right treatment but NC DSS just wants to put her thourgth the system and teach her to survive on her own at 18 when she has to leave group home. We have tried and even family members and therapist from previous yrs have spoke with DSS put they feel it is in our daughters best interest not to be placed back home and also because she doesn't want to come back home.
At 15 most kids don't want to be around there parents and when offered something better why not take it. These people just do not understand RAD and that she does well where no one loves her or shows her love.(like a school like setting which is what the group home is)
We are just trying to get our daughter the help she needs to bond with us so she is able to have relationship with someone and survive on her own.
Not sure if anyone has experienced anything like this and we are just looking for any help or suggetions to help us bring our daughter home so she can get the correct needed help. We have tried everything to try to get our daughter to bond with us she started to open up then the teenage years hit and things started to go backwards and get worse and wall around her went back up. Family and friends tells us we have done everything we could and to look at the other child in our home and how sweet of boy he is and that we need to give her tough love and let her go and maybe some year she will find her way and come around. But not sure if thats the right thing to do I feel they don't understand RAD.
Help? Suggestions? Thoughts? Is there any hope?
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At 15, your daughter has to want something different for therapy to work. With the DSS worker interferring with therapy, chances of healing are not good.
It's amazing how a social worker can cause so many issues when a judge and a therapist are trying to do the right thing.
Sorry, I hope you can find some way around this situation.
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I'm in a very similar situation (read my posts from last spring on Psychological Disorders thread), although I can't say that my home is the right place for my adopted daughter at this point. I wonder what other options you are considering for your daughter when she comes home? As far as I know, I have exhausted all options here. Those of you from other states provide a fresh perspective.
I attended a CRCG staffing about a month ago when I was advised to apply for admission to the state hospital for youth (which has a 6-month waiting period for admission) and discontinue MST therapy and begin trauma therapy. That was in the works until the last time a medical code alert was called at my home and the psych MD again refused to admit her to the hospital. It was at that point that I refused to pick her up and told them to call social services. Presently our first cout hearing is next Friday. Our adoption attorney is working with me on getting her into a RTC (my preference). Also, there apparently will be child abandonment charges filed against me, which jeopardizes my 18-year teaching career. Fortunately, I have another field in which I can work.
Her acting out has become much more dangerous: running away, propositioning the bad boys at school for sex and following through, trying to sneak getaways with boys, lots of verbal aggression & over the top raging at school, messing up all the locks at home trying to break into med boxes, locked rooms,etc, etc. She rarely rages with me at home anymore because I don't let things escalate to that point, which she takes full advantage of when whe wants to get her way (keep her phone when time is up). She hasn't stolen anything major in a while. She has tickets now for disorderly conduct at school, and was on her way to alternative school in late October. I fought that by calling a manifestation ARD meeting to prove that her behavior was due to diagnoses of bipolar and borderline, and not because she is a bad girl. I've read through her journals, and it is all about getting with various boys who then hurt her by using her. Also, how she misses her real mom, who was murdered when she was 8, and how she is losing her sister, adopted by another family nearby who is afraid that my daughter will be a bad influence and so are very distant with us. They never call, we always call them. She also writes a lot about being sad and wishing she could be happy, and about messing up.
I am requesting either release of custody back to the state, or joint conservatorship with the state, since they have resources for her care (RTCs) that I don't. She already spent tons of time in short-term crisis hospitalizations last two years and was in the state hospital for 6 weeks last summer. She came home and it was if she had never been gone... immediately stole my phone and kicked a door in when she couldn't go to day camp one day because of a doctor's appointment.
So I know your grief... please let me know what your options for treatment are. I do know that some kids need the kind of structured environment that only a hospital/RTC can provide. I do believe that is what my daughter needs now, as she doesn't function well at school. Many wrecked friendships, etc.
I'm praying for all of us...
Update
Today with had a pre court hearing with an adr service and our daughter wants to be adopted by another family that was present and has been working with her for a year. And DSS is asking the judge for that she be adopted because thats what she wants. DSS has in no way helped in any manner on reunifing thi family and giving us help with counseling.
For others out there with RAD problems stay away from social service especially NC.
Has anyone else had these problems? And also looking at a way to expose Social service so this does not happen to other families? Help?
We have given our whole life to our daughter for DSS to say well she doesn't want you now and we found a new family. Even the therapist was shocked that DSS was recommending this and knew nothing about the adoption plan.
Welcome to the nightmare of RAD. It took a couple of years for me to figure out that I wasn't dealing with normal attachment. I started with reading books about "Adopting the Hurt Child", "When Love is not Enough" etc. Educating yourself is key to being able to help a child with attachment issues. Knowing what you are dealing with helps to get the correct therapy. As you know, conventional therapy does not work with RAD as it depends on a relationship between the therapist and the patient. The therapist becomes another fool in the patient's game of manipulation. She needs a therapist that specializes in attachment disorders. You can recognize these therapists as they involve the parents and verify the stories with parental input.
Third is setting. Most RAD types prefer a setting where they don't have to participate in intimacy. So a larger family or group home or school works better for them. Don't take it personally (if you can) as she is just more comfortable and more able to manipulate and control in the locations she has chosen. That said, it probably is not best to allow her to control these decisions. If you are still her legal guardians, then educate yourselves and find the correct services for her.
You also need to consider the impact on your son of having his sister living in your home. He may want happy focussed parents raising him instead of frazzeled, tortured, constantly upset and worn out adults. It may be beneficial for you to have a relationship with a little breathing room for all concerned. If you can keep her safe and find the appropriate resources and services to benefit her, then you have a chance of having whatever relationship is possible given her issues.
If it is taken out of your hands, don't beat yourself up, you are not alone. Many people have come up against RAD and simply survived. That is success. God Bless.
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Well we went with DSS to court in Dec and decided to voluntary relinquish our rights. For our sake but mostly for our son. It hhurts but was for the best for everyone. Dianna I agree with you she did do better at school and in a group home and the therapist was wrong for her. When we tried to correct the things she was saying we were told we were being defensive, we couldn't do anything to change therapist because DSS had control of daughters therapy. Thourgh this we have learned to stay away from DSS flems because they just create more.or any prob
Char993, if it gives you any affirmation at all, you have helped me so much with my daughter's situation. By voluntarily relinquishing your parental rights, you have taken control of the situation and made the best decision you could have made under very difficult and unfair circumstances.
After my last court status hearing, I do not trust anyone involved, other than my hired attorney. They are just playing a game. Our SS caseworker actually told me earlier that at my daughter's age, 15, the courts do not really have any hope of them changing, therapy or not. Our official goal in family plan is reunification. Now I hope that that is actually the result of all this, just so I can keep her out of a system that isn't working. With my daughter away from home, I am doing lots more self-education and researching attachment/trauma therapists, and actually found a good one recommended by someone on another listserv who has similar experience. I feel more hopeful than ever now, but I know that with SS involved, the outcome with my daughter's situation is unpredictable by any means. I still say that the fault lies with the "training" I received as a future adoptive parent. It is very hard to educate yourself as issues come up and you are in crisis mode. ALL future adoptive parents should be trained & assessed for dealing with RAD kids.
We also relinquished our rights to our one daughter when she, our daughters sister, went to live with her bio grandparents. They agreed to adopt her. It was the best decision for everyone concerned. Our other daughter stayed with us until she was 16. Then she requested to live with her bio aunt. It is working out for all but I wonder sometimes.
Pinkand blue was wondering what became of your situation with your daughter.
Update on our daughter:
After relinquishing rights have learned that in July she was placed in a foster home with a family with a few younger children. She has wrote a letters to members of my family telling them she is in foster home it is wonderful and they are trying to adopt her by the end of year. (we did not receive any letter) She is friends on FB with a friend of mine who has told me she mentions nothing about a new family, just talks about grades and going to church retreats.
My worry is that she is not getting any type of therapy, just placed out of group home because that is what she wanted. Had received an email from her shortly after her being placed asking for things she had while in our home. And visitation with her brother.
I replied with a very nice letter stating that I was happy she was in a family and was sorry we did not work out for her. And that her brother is doing very well and at this time does not want to see her and she cannot make the decision it will be his if he wants to see her.(she is 16 1/2 he is almost 15). She was very unhappy with my reply and said to leave her out of our drama. We feel she just hates all 3 of us because we know of her issues and the family members she wrote to are all the ones that never questioned her on things she said. Min-law received letter saying she was missed and sorry about how things turned out and that she was ok. MIn-law replied I'm sure you are ok and it was your decision. She has not heard from her since and befriend gram on FB.
???Was I wrong to reply to her.
Also, has anyone experienced this and if so..is there hope that she will get well and eventually come around and be sorry for things done or at least thankful.
Even though she is out of our home I still love and care about her and just want her to have a good life, worried when she is 18 (which she can't wait to turn) that she will come around her brother to upset his life...which after 2 years is finally doing great at home and in school...made the honor roll for the first time in 8 yrs.
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Good to hear from you, Char993. I'll bet that your daughter does eventually come around with you, your husband, and your son, although it may be many years. Nothing is logical when it comes to these kids...
As for my daughter, it has been quite a year, and almost exactly a year since I turned her over to SS. She lied about me in self-defense and typical borderline manner, which got me into hot water with SS and the courts. She was initially placed in least restrictive environment, a foster home, unbelievably in the same school as the one in which I teach! She told them that I teach there so she was bused to a neighboring school. She manifested the same awful behaviors there as she did with me, and worse, as she od'd on some pills and ended up unconscious in the ER, and then later accused foster mom of doing it to her. She had run away, etc. and then at one point tore up the foster mom's house with major damage, broken windows, TV, at which time they finally decided that she needs a RTC. At this point I could finally breathe a sigh of relief because I knew that she would finally be safe, and also because SS was beginning to know her behaviors as I have known them. Since then she has blown herself out of 3 RTC's. Labor Day wkd they couldn't find another placement for her in the state and were going to place her in a foster home, so I said please let's just bring her home so I can begin neurofeedback therapy. I enrolled her in my school and we had a glorious and happy 4 weeks together, but then her demons got ahold of her again and she began sneaking out at night, sexualizing with many boys at school, and ran away one day. By the grace of God a sheriff stopped a car at a convenience store because he saw her in the back seat during school hours... all three adults in the car went to jail, the driver had warrant for arrest, they and my daughter were all high... At this point I took her to the hospital because, again, even though we were getting along great, she was still acting out. She went to another RTC and is now kicked out of that one again and in the hospital waiting until they can find another placement for her, probably lockdown. She calls me almost every night, as she has done for the last year. I love her so much, but feel that, just like your daughter, it may be a very long time before she is able to come around and change her ways. She is a classic borderline, so I don't feel too hopeful. I have come to accept that I have done all was able to do to help her. This afternoon we have a placement hearing, SS only not court, and I will tell them that I wish to release full custody to SS (I now have partial custody with state). I have been advised to break legal ties with her. It hurts to do this, but it is in my best interest. Of course, we will still keep in touch. I will go down to visit during the Christmas holidays. She is 16 1/2, just like your daughter.
Borderline is the worst...