I am their mom now, not their babysitter!

I'd be really frustrated reading that type of letter too.Have you ever had a frank open discussion with her about boundaries and her non acceptance of your role in the kids' lives? If you have to have a relationship with her til the kids are 18, the only way I can see being able to do this at all is to put all the cards on the table and spell out the requirements necessary in order to make this work?

If she hasn't seen the kids in four years, IMO, that is grounds for breaking the contract. At this point is it going to benefit the children seeing her. Is she going to act appropriate with you and the children or is she going to sabotage what trust you have gained in the children? If you want to continue with the (sorta) open plan I would encourage you to lay it out on the line in a frank discussion and set up a time (whether she is ready or not) that works for you in the very near future. You are going to have to spell out that she isn't to talk about when the children are 18 or how they are "her" children and that she should address them with their new name (if appropriate). etc You are going to have to address any potential problems and spell them all out. If she doesn't show then I would assume that she isn't interested in seeing the children and this email game she is playing is just to get under your skin. I don't mean to sound like a meany but I have been in your shoes and in our situation it was about the bio's still trying to maintain control. It really wasn't about the children at all. Just about winning and feeling like they had some control. What they just couldn't fathom was that they had lost all of that long ago. Ours complained that I didn't give them enough... 8 blogs in 2 months and over 220 pictures and they called an attorney and complained. They did this every 2 1/2 weeks for six months. Made my life hell and eventually the attorney wouldn't even deal with him any longer. We ended the contract and life is finally normal. Funny how something that you think wouldn't bother you just eats you away. I knew that I was doing more then I should of and it still wasn't enough. IMO sometimes you just have to let them go because nothing you can do will ever change them. I knew that we did above and beyond what was necessary but you just can't change the behaviors of others. We try to keep tabs on their location through Myspace, facebook and the sw in case the children want to located them in the future. The best I can do now is care for MY family and do my best to gather information on their past for them. I don't have time to deal with childish games. Your family is in my thoughts. I know what a tough and frustrating situation this is for you.

She hasn't seen them in four years, but the adoption has only been final for just over 6 mos. She signed a post adopt, in exchange for testifying against the bio dad in court. Our case against her was clear cut abandonment. We didn't need her consents, but at that time, we didn't guess it would be another year before the trial was done, and more time before she'd see the kids. She went 2 years MIA on the case before showing up (when another child was removed) on their case, adding to bio dad contesting the adoption. Long messy history. Anyway, at this point, she's not done enough to violate the agreement.We have been frank and laid it out there for her. She doesn't get it. She'll never get it. She doesn't want to get it. The only option we'll have is to have the visit, and end it early if she starts in w/ crap on the kids. If it continues to be stressful to the kids as well, we'll go back to court and fight it.

Sounds so familiar..."Tell my daughter her Mommy loves her" and "Say goodnight to my baby" blah blah blah all via text. I just got so tired of it I cut of contact completely. It just confused our daughter when she'd call and call herself "Mommy" and it just was not healthy. Our daughter is 10. When I explained to her that she may not hear from her biomom she said to me "I wish you wouldn't mention HER name cause I had forgotten about her!" LMAO...so we don't mention that anymore unless she brings it up (and she hasn't yet). We were always open to contact (afterall her biomom is related to us) but it just was not good for our daughter. Sometimes you have to draw the line and decide what is indeed best for the kids.

Agreed:yoda:

Can't you just nod your head and say ok (or in emails to her) and then just do what you want? Then she feels she's getting her point across and you don't have to implement what she wants? Is she communicating with YOUR kids? I am a foster parent, but I think that even if I gave up my children, I would still think of them as "mine" and that I was the mom, even if it's the birthmom.

At this point, I wonder if there is any value in having a "relationship" with her at all beyond what is called for in your agreement? For example, you could send her a certified letter setting out whatever rules and boundaries you can impose and offering a few potential dates, times, and places for a visit and then simply wait for her to respond? At that, only respond to what she says about the visit arrangements. Anything and everything else goes unanswered. I know that sounds harsh, and I understand ca-bigsister's point, but just because something is understandable, doesn't mean that it is acceptable or something to which you have to subject yourself and, consequently, your family. If you go that route, I suppose then you'd have to cancel your old e-mail and block her calls. I think if it were me, I would try one last time to set out the boundaries for her with a firm and friendly caution that you will cut back to the minimum contact required if she is unable to comply. Also, fwiw, depending on the situation, I think it can be very emotionally disturbing for some children to hear the former offending parent refer to them as "my" anything. Navigating through these relationships is really hard and always full of surprises. As someone who has been tremendously worn down and out by one of these "relationships" over the past six years, I can tell you that for me, anyway, all those little chips and digs, moments of frustration and anger, etc., really are cumulative and have taken a fairly heavy toll on me--and my kids, because I am not the person I'd like to be for them, always. So, that's the roundabout way of saying there is great virtue in paying attention to your needs and taking care of yourself in these situations.

I think the only value is for the 1/2 sibs who come over frequently. Especially the 2 yr old who lived here as an infant. He is extremely attached to us and the kids. I honestly worry about the lack of bonding she has w/ the three she's raising. It seems very thin, which is normal for the older two how she didn't raise, but even w/ her newborn, I just don't see a healthy bond. No reason to remove, nothing to report/hotline. Just concerns. At this point, I think the stress of the relationship only bothers DH and I. Our kids really don't give her a 2nd thought. B/c they have not seen her in 4 yrs, she's still a distant memory and idea. There are no real solid memories and given the past info we know, there was never a real bond w/ her anyway. Even from day 1 of being in care, they never asked about either bio parent. Not having visits (ever!) just compounded it I think. Out of sight, out of mind was their relationship with them. We really have no idea what the fall out will be after we have a visit with her. I don't tell them every single time she emails, although when appropriate, I'll pass along a message from her. It is always watered down version b/c I don't think everything she has to say is healthy, including the "my" part. I've always been the one who gets irritated with her antics, and DH is more mild mannered. Lately, her responses have really bothered him, so I know I'm not completely overreacting. We have agreed to slow down on a lot of the relationship on our end. Less emails, not taking the siblings every other weekend, etc. It is a way more open relationship than we really intended. We let it happen, and now see how draining it is. Her possisiveness and complete denial of what happened is also draining. Add in her trying to buy the kids affections w/ 'wow' gifts (which didn't work), and well, sometimes it raises my blood pressure too much!! Thanks for the advice. We are going to attempt a sit down meeting with her and again lay out the rules. And let her know this is it. We hate to sever the relationship with the other kids, but our first priority is our kids. If she cannot respect that, than we will only allow the 2 visits per year. Thanks for reading and understanding. The advice found here is different than advice from other open adoptions. Here we are dealing with bios who NEVER wanted us to adopt their children, who DESPISED us for a long time (of course now says she loves us, and who generally lacked any sense of parenting skills. They never 'intended' for this to be the outcome, and it is hard to build a good relationship on something so unstable still.

What about just deleting the email before you read it? Then tell the kids that their birth mom emailed and wanted to say hi and check on them? You could email her to update her on the kids but not have to read her passive aggressive garbage. Sounds like this is more for her to feel like she has contact and maybe just to get at you for having "her" kids. I feel like bmoms totally do that on purpose. She could just say "how are the kids?", but she doesn't. Let me just say that I don't think anyone understands the irritation until they have adopted and then had to deal with snide remarks. It is not petty of you or immature or whatever anyone else might say. (my mom in law said "don't worry about all that petty stuff.") It isn't petty, it's your life and your kids and it hurts to have someone take jabs at you when you are working your butt off to care for "their" kids. Hang in there.