Advertisements
This my story. Please don't do this to your kids...
After being directly LIED TO by my APs, I found out at age 16 that I was adopted.
I was a HUGE biology freak in high school. One day we were doing blood typing, (You see it coming don't you? Wait for it...) I was all proud that I now knew my blood type. Of course, I asked my folks what theirs were, right? I think my Mom's was fine, but there was NO WAY my Dad could BE my DAD. The reaction I got was, "What ARE they teaching you in THAT school? Of course he's your Father". How am I going to argue with that, right?
...but the seed was planted...
BTW, this all happened within a couple of years.
I have always been very curious. I used to love digging around in my parents old stuff. So, I'm up in the rafters in the garage one afternoon ransacking some old boxes, and I find this small suitcase. When I looked inside, I saw this Baby Book that I had never seen before. One of the entries was something about bringing a baby home, typical stuff, then I ran across one that said "Billy became ours legally today" This was dated Jan. 1967 (I was born June of '66). I also found this piece of paper that was folded in such a way that there was a signature sticking out of the bottom, but the rest of the document would have been hidden from the signer. From what I remember of the paper, it was about relenquishing all rights and care of "Baby Boy Grode" to the adopting party. I can't remember if my parents name was the party or not, but that doesn't really matter. It did, however, have my birthmom's name and signature on it. When Mom got home from work I confronted her with this new "evidence". She once again flat out LIED to me, and told me it was about one of our life long friends kids. The problem was that they had one a few years older than me, and another a year younger than me. SHE THEN PROCEEDED TO TEAR UP THE ONLY DOCUMENT I HAVE EVER SEEN WITH MY BIRTHMOTHER'S NAME OR SIGNATURE. The next thing I know, she's over at the neighbor's house lying to them about how hard her labor was with me, SHEESH.
Not to long after this incident, I was once again digging through some of my Dad's military papers, (Dang, I was nosey, huh?) when I found some insurance documents naming beneficiaries. My Mom was one, and (here it is) an ADOPTED SON. When I found this there were no more lies to tell. There was no way to refute the truth of the ALMIGHTY U.S. GOVERNMENT.
...She had to go back to the neighbors and tell them the truth too...
In memory, there were always little clues, like the one where I asked THE question, "Where do babies come from?" One of my Dad's Marine buddies piped in "Well son, they got YOU out of the Sears catolog." Followed by, "SHSSSSSSSSSH!!!" and then low whispers. Or the time the best friend's adopted son says to his older adopted sister (Same as above) "You don't look like Mom 'cause YOUR ADOPTED!", which I find histerically funny. She says to me, "SHUT UP! SO ARE YOU!!!", again followed by "SHSSSSSSSSSH" and low whispers.
So where am I going with this? Well...
Today, I am a 43 year old man who has no clue about his true identity. I don't trust ANYBODY. The two people who were supposed to by the ones I could trust THE MOST IMPLICITLY lied to my face over and over and over again. All I have of my birthmom is a last name, a place of birth, and a STORY told to me by the BIGGEST LIAR I'VE EVER KNOWN, my adoptive mom. I don't know what her true circumstances were. She didn't even want to know if I was a boy or a girl. That's why the paper I found was folded the way it was. I guess I'm lucky I didn't end up on the end of a clothes hanger. What I'm trying to say is that I'm still all F'd up over it after all these years.
It really sucks having to go to the Dr. and they ask "Do you have any history of this in your family?" "Well, I don't know Doc, I'm adopted. I HAVE NO CLUE."
Do your kids future a favor... Tell them the TRUTH. Allow them access to the knowledge of WHO THEY ARE in the world. Give them a HISTORY.
TELL THEM:
"Your SPECIAL because WE PICKED YOU!"
...now I need to go brush my teeth, sorry I vomited all over the place...
Like
Share
Earthangel,
Thanks for your empathy. I really don't have any "hatred" towards my adoptive parents. I understand that the culture that my mom came from demanded appearances to be great regardless of what was really going on. She came from war torn Germany right in the middle of the 1930s. If things weren't just right, anything could have happened. I believe being born into that world carried into her whole life. My dad, on the other hand, had his own set of issues. He seemed to have believed that he had told me when I was young, and that I was rebelling against them for it. If he did tell me, I don't remember, and I certainly wasn't told the truth later when I asked directly. I try to have a little compassion for them today. They were simply doing the best they could with what they had. I certainly appreciate the fact that they at least wanted to have a child enough to adopt. I just believe they had no idea what they were getting into.
Advertisements
My grandmother passed away a few years ago. I was helping my dad go through her things when I came across this polaroid. Written on it was my name 3 weeks old St Michaels. So, I said excuse me but that's not where I was told I was born. I got a lot of uh-uh's.
Now keep in mind I'm an only child, right? So, I look a little closer at the picture and I see a second crib in the background. My curiousity is sky rocketing now! Anyway, between the uh-uh's, it comes out that St. Michael's was an orphanage. My birth father told me they put me there to "figure things out." Oh and by the way you had a brother, but we won't discuss that. EXCUSE ME!
It is funny how little things stick out in your memory when you think back. After seeing that pic, which I've long since buried so it won't get torn up, I realized I had never seen a picture of myself when I was first born. I asked my parents why this was. I mean come on I was the first grandchild, and there's no pics...weird huh? So, I thought. My mother's excuse was that I was born prematurely and had to be incubated. I guess that one little picture smashed that story to pieces. Wrong! my mother is still sticking to her guns. My favorite statement from her, though, is that the second crib in the picture is just my imagination. It must be some pipes or something...right. I'm a college graduate. I think I know the difference between pipes and a crib. Not to mention, I know the difference between a crib and an incubator.
Anyway, Mom is sticking to her story, and Dad's gotten pretty tight lipped since that day.
Bottom line...don't lie to your kids. The truth will eventually come out when you least expect it. That could end up doing more damage than if you just come clean from the start.
Aeryn221, Welcome to the forums. It depends on which state you live in but most states have closed records and if an adoptee requests an original birth certificate - long form they are denied and only allowed to request an amended birth certificate which shows the adoptive parents names as having given birth. The state I was born in you can do it over the phone. Kind regards,Dickons
Aeryn221
Now keep in mind I'm an only child, right? So, I look a little closer at the picture and I see a second crib in the background. My curiousity is sky rocketing now! Anyway, between the uh-uh's, it comes out that St. Michael's was an orphanage. My birth father told me they put me there to "figure things out." Oh and by the way you had a brother, but we won't discuss that. EXCUSE ME!
Hello. I am new here and I am from the UK. I have found your stories rather shocking and just can't understand why your adoptive parents behaved the way they did and continually lied to you even when it was so obvious it was an out and out lie.
I am adopted and I didn't find out that I was adopted until I was sixteen years old. The way I found out was when I needed my birth certificate for something, could have been for a passport, so my mom handed me this piece of paper, which turned out to be an Adoption Certificate. I think I just sat there in complete shock just staring at this certificate. My mom said she had assumed that I already knew that I was adopted but the truth was I didn't. All my childhood, adoption was never ever mentioned, so how I was supposed to have known about it when noone spoke about it I will never know. And, it was never mentioned again after that initial discovery. I didn't do anything about it for a number of years but that didn't stop me wondering about who I really was, who did I look like, what did she (my birth mom) look like, and when I was about 21 I applied for my original birth certificate. Once I had that I went and saw social services (as apparently if you were born before 1975 you were required to receive councilling because that was the year that the law changed allowing adoptees to be able to have access to their birth certificates). They found paperwork out regarding my adoption, and on there it stated that the birth mother was unable to keep the child at home and besides she didn't want to keep the child. Also that she had named a man as the father but when he was questioned, he had denied that the child could be his. But social services couldn't help me to trace her. I went to the address where she had lived, had a look around. I even went through a phone book with her surname, hoping that maybe someone knew her, I even managed to get a number for the next door neighbour, who when I phoned informed me that they did vaguely remember the family, the mother (my grandmother) had died several years ago but they had no idea where the father had moved to. It was like looking for a needle in a haystack. I mean she could have gotten married and impossible to trace with a different name. Anyway, I gave up and put it to the back of my mind, until 2000 when by chance I was talking online to this woman who traced people for a living, and she was very successful. We got chatting and I gave her what little information I had and she said she would have a look for me. She did hit a brickwall at one point and I really didn't think she would find her, but she got me to order my biological grandparents death certificates once she had found out the relevant information, and one of those certificates was my birth mothers name and an address. Once I told her that information, she started making phone calls and she found her. When she phoned me to tell me that she had just spoken to my birth mum and that she did in fact want contact with me, and that I had 4 half sisters as well. The reason it had been difficult to trace her was that she had taken her partner's surname but never actually married him. I then had the problem of speaking to my adoptive parents. I hadn't expected the search to take so little time and I hadn't even told them that I was searching for her, so I had to approach them and tell them that I wanted to find my birth mother, and I almost made myself ill worrying about their reaction. I needed have worried because my mom was totally okay about it which surprised me. I then left it a while before I told them that she had been found. I didn't want to admit that I had done everything behind their backs, it would have killed them! And they didn't deserve that.
I actually met my birth mom in 2001 and we got on very well and I am still in regular contact with her, and my sisters too. Before I went to meet her for the first time, my adoptive mom was obviously worried and she said that she didn't want me to come back and say that I liked her more. So I had to reassure her.
My adoptive parents met my birth mom in August 2008 when I got married. I had always thought that I could keep them apart as I knew my adoptive mom had a very low opinion of my birth mom but they were very civil to each other.
I hope that you are able to find some answers some day because you have a right to know your roots. I feel that is important to an adopted child, to know where you came from. Sadly, I may never find out who my biological father was as my birth mom maintains that she can't even remember what he looked like let alone his name, somehow I just don't believe that but can't do anything about it. Somewhere out there is another half of my family and I will never find out anything about them.
Advertisements
I'ts nobodys fault and that includes the people who gave you up for adoption the main thing is that they gave you a chance to be with friends at school have a girl in your life to make it in this world the worst thing is giving up on life and your biological parents didn'y give up on you.Because your biological mother could have had an abortion.
Hey girls rule,I wanted to ask you a question. Was your response in general or to a particular person. I read your comment and everybody is entitled to feel a certain way about adoption. Every circumstance is different from each other and that has to weigh heavily. I see that your an adult adoptee. If you were responding in general terms, I would like to comment. You: I'ts nobodys fault and that includes the people who gave you up for adoption the main thing is that they gave you a chance to be with friends at school have a girl in your life to make it in this world the worst thing is giving up on life and your biological parents didn'y give up on you.Because your biological mother could have had an abortion.People these days don't like to own up to things. I don't agree that it is nobody's fault. It is somebody's fault that someone is adopted. Whether that is a beneficial thing or not, someone is responsible for a child being given up, being born, ect ect. Someone had to make the decision to relinquish their own child. Now yes, the circumstances have to be weighted. I understand there are things that happen in the world that lead to the relinquishment of kids or loosing a parent. BUT that does not mean that it is nobody's fault. If a person gives up their child (willing or nonwilling) then yes it is their responceability to say HEY CHILD I WALKED AWAY BECAUSE OF THESE REASONS. Forgive me or not. I do not like when someone says its nobody's fault. Oh it is. Never tell an adoptee that it is not a parents fault. They are the adult who walked away whether they wanted to are not. Just admit to it, say sorry and say lets move from there. Yes the birth parents may have thought that adoption would be better in life. That may be the truth for some situations. Other times there are situations where it made it worse. Yes I am part of the worse group situation and now as an adult I am trying to make MY life better. But being given up is an emotion that anybody will grieve over. And also not knowing about your past is something to get through. Also I think that the answer of being aborted can be a rude comment. If I had the choice of being aborted or my life, I think anybody in my situation would probably wished to be aborted. But I do not harp on what I wish for, I am born and I have to make do with my life. And better it myself. But the answer of "At least your not aborted" is a comment better left unsaid. I hope this post finds you well, and not at all an attacking message. Just opinion from a person who wishes to explain another side to the adoption factor.
Hey girls rule,I wanted to ask you a question. Was your response in general or to a particular person. I read your comment and everybody is entitled to feel a certain way about adoption. Every circumstance is different from each other and that has to weigh heavily. I see that your an adult adoptee. If you were responding in general terms, I would like to comment. You: I'ts nobodys fault and that includes the people who gave you up for adoption the main thing is that they gave you a chance to be with friends at school have a girl in your life to make it in this world the worst thing is giving up on life and your biological parents didn'y give up on you.Because your biological mother could have had an abortion.People these days don't like to own up to things. I don't agree that it is nobody's fault. It is somebody's fault that someone is adopted. Whether that is a beneficial thing or not, someone is responsible for a child being given up, being born, ect ect. Someone had to make the decision to relinquish their own child. Now yes, the circumstances have to be weighted. I understand there are things that happen in the world that lead to the relinquishment of kids or loosing a parent. BUT that does not mean that it is nobody's fault. If a person gives up their child (willing or nonwilling) then yes it is their responceability to say HEY CHILD I WALKED AWAY BECAUSE OF THESE REASONS. Forgive me or not. I do not like when someone says its nobody's fault. Oh it is. Never tell an adoptee that it is not a parents fault. They are the adult who walked away whether they wanted to are not. Just admit to it, say sorry and say lets move from there. Yes the birth parents may have thought that adoption would be better in life. That may be the truth for some situations. Other times there are situations where it made it worse. Yes I am part of the worse group situation and now as an adult I am trying to make MY life better. But being given up is an emotion that anybody will grieve over. And also not knowing about your past is something to get through. Also I think that the answer of being aborted can be a rude comment. If I had the choice of being aborted or my life, I think anybody in my situation would probably wished to be aborted. But I do not harp on what I wish for, I am born and I have to make do with my life. And better it myself. But the answer of "At least your not aborted" is a comment better left unsaid. I hope this post finds you well, and not at all an attacking message. Just opinion from a person who wishes to explain another side to the adoption factor.
Girlsrule
I'ts nobodys fault and that includes the people who gave you up for adoption the main thing is that they gave you a chance to be with friends at school have a girl in your life to make it in this world the worst thing is giving up on life and your biological parents didn'y give up on you.Because your biological mother could have had an abortion.
Advertisements
So maybe there was no authority for you to ask the questions that you did or could be that someone is forgetting about the responsabilities of work that the average household income in a small city like the one I live in is about sixty thousand inwhich that means that success does happen. So the article that I commented to was not anything out of the ordanary or anthing that was very contraversal or illegal. Try growing up.
ZeusKitty, I am sorry that had to happen to you. I do not understand why some aparents are so content to lie about being adopted, especially if there is evidence put in front of them. I do not know if they thought you would love them less, but that is definitely not the case for me. Ever since I can remember, my parents have told me that I was adopted and it made me special because I was picked. That is how children should be made to feel and you don't have to tell them all the details about an adoption. My parents didn't want to upset me with the details, so they waited until I was old enough to handle it. I can't imagine what it would be like to have the people who you should be able to trust do this. I hope you can eventually learn to trust people again, although I know it will be hard. :)
Advertisements
ZuesKity,
I empathize and relate with your situation and the others who discovered they were not in their biological parents care. I'm 44 and discovered it over the period of about 5 - 6 years. It's become very clear that my memory was correct and many things have happened in the last year that have been final confirmation. I still don't like for it to be this way. I still want it to go back to being more "normal" - about a family that is. I also love the truth and I have learned and matured so much from this experience. Not that I wish it on anyone, I'm just trying to make the best of it. Oh, I'm not in a ranting and raging moment, but I have them still. It's just not right now.
My "parents" are all still alive and I live around the corner from them now. We are on speaking terms, but I have major issues with it. They go on like we have never discussed any of it and it really bothers me. Did you feel like you were enabling them to lie or by being there you were confirming that you believed that you really are their offspring? Do you know what I mean? I feel as if by going over there that I am misleading them into thinking that I believe them. In reality they are really still misleadiny me. Or maybe because I still want to believe them I just get really messed up by visiting or talking to them. They don't "need" me for anything I have asked a million times over to be there if they needed help. They are elderly but he is in excellent shape.
Lying is wrong because it is destructive not because we are told not to lie and we know it's wrong! It's not about being right or wrong, it's about what it does to our lives and relationships. Betrayal is an actual commitment to lie to someone long term while you are going to tell others. This is disloyalty, it goes beyond a lie, it just includes lying.
I just had to state the obvious about lying and betrayal not sure why it needs to be stated, but apparently it does.
Also, nice to see that Dickons and ShadowRider, Just Peachey and some of the others that I know I'm missing but enjoy their posts so much, are still here given awesome advice, support and comfort. :grouphug:
Truly :clap:
White Elephant - Marilyn