Help needed ....

Is it possible to meet with the aparents without her there and see what's really going on with her, and how, as a unified force, you can all provide support for her? If it gets to a point where it's you vs. them... everyone will lose, most significantly your daughter. 15 is a hellish age to be, particularly for girls. I'm finding that perception and reality are not always the same. I also don't think it's so simple as her coming to live with you. Our son is 16 and has moved multiple times due to foster care... the lesson he has learned from that is that nobody will stand by him unconditionally, he has learned that no one is worthy of trust. If she moves away from her aparents in with you... that's what she learns too... that love is conditional.Every parenting style is different, and some ways may be better than others. If there's actual abuse, get CPS involved. If there's not actual abuse, you and the aparents could serve her best by supporting each other.

I see what your saying and I really don't want to drag them through the mud or make it seem like they are bad people cause they aren't, we can talk and we can communicate just fine, most of the time. I know they feel threatened by her contact with me and I have tried to alleviate that as much as I can. I have had many meetings with them about all different issues, they will even have her call me for me to discipline her for something she has done in their house (this one is always the hard one to take their side since I am not AT their house to know what exactly happened.) I have ALWAYS tried to be supportive of them and their wishes. It is frustrating though to constantly hear the negativity that comes out of their mouths about her (even when she is in the room). I have to bite my tongue and let them do it so I can see my bdaughter. I don't want bdaughter to do something stupid cause she doesn't feel loved there. I know she is NOT a perfect angel and she will mouth off and do things out of spite toward them, but I also know that other people (ie. her teachers, church members, other adult friends...) have now started to say to me that they have been talking to HER like this since the adoption and that she has been a good kid most of the time. So this is why I am wondering if any of the bparents out there have gone through this and if there is any recourse I can take? I am worried cause the psyche of bdaughter is a concern, but not sure if it is enough to contact Child Services.

This is really inappropriate for them to expect you to discipline her, whether you are at the house or not. But especially since you are not there, as you say, you cannot really be sure what happened. Why are they not able to do parent her themselves? I imagine it must really be confusing for your daughter. In terms of whether or not you have any legs to stand on in getting her back, it sounds like you could use some legal advice in that regard, but I don't know if it would even be possible. If they are abusing her, that would have to be proven first, and my guess is your daughter would have to go through the system. If the aparents wanted you to have custody, I don't even know if they can just transfer it to you. I'm sure there are others here who are more knowledgeable about this, but I like the idea that another poster brought up about working together to help your daughter. Would all of you be willing to get some counseling together?

I would be very careful here if I were you. 15 is a tough age and she may be having typical mother daughter issues at this stage. She may be saying hurtful things to her because she is being 15 and sometimes, out of frustration, we say things we don't mean. 15 yr olds are good at manipulation, especially when they are adopted. That doesn't make it appropriate for the mother since she should have a little more self control. Some mothers are great while we are children and not so great at being mothers when we are teens, because residuals of their battles with their own mothers are coming through. Maybe what you could do is suggest going to a family counseslor who specealizes in open adoption. Even if this wasn't an open adoption, you still want a open adoption counselor because they are open and sensitive to both sides. Be open minded to both sides of the story and don't let her manipulate, not just you, but her adoptive parents too. She has to know that the adults are in control not her, and at the same time, feel like she is being heard. You could make this a win, win, win, situation if maybe you try and get to know her adoptive mom a little better. Maybe you could be a constructive force in this situation. Let me know how it goes. Sade