anyone fostering/adopting a relative?

I'm really not sure what you are looking for? I responded to your post on the relative board and so did a few others.

It sounds as if this opportunity doesn't feel like a fit to you. You imagined your family with a child that shared traits with both of you and that you both came to "equally" biologically and emotionally. From the way you write, it sounds as if these are your feelings, not concerns you have re your DH's feelings or role in it, although of course his feelings are just as important. If they are your feelings, I think you need to listen to them. There would be nothing worse than an outcome that feels like a disappointment to you--it can, I think, affect your ability to bond to the child and feel like a unified family. On the other hand, all those feelings may evaporate in a snap when you see and hold the baby for the first time. There will be people on these boards who can honestly say they would and could bond with any child that came through the door. There are others who cannot or would not. Everyone can be very different on this aspect of adoption and how you feel about it does not make you bad or good. There is no virtue in sucking it up and going ahead out of some abstract sense of what a "good person should feel" if that means the child is somehow "less than" in your heart while he/she is growing up. It is great that you've experience fostering. Additionally, I think it might help if you and DH sought out opportunities to be with babies and small children, maybe morning daycare during church services--see what stirs your heart and what really doesn't. You may surprise yourself or you may affirm what you're already thinking. Good luck to all.

hkolln - sorry, I was referring to another thread "how did you come to kinship adoption", not the one you and another poster replied to. I guess I'm not being very articulate this week :[] Hadley - I actually think that your post helped a lot. When I read that you suggested this may not be a good match for us, I instantly thought "heck no! What is she talking about?! That's my daughter she's talking about!" So I guess whatever doubts I had when I started posting about this a few days ago I've gotten over :). I think I feel like I'm getting more than I was prepared for - more in a really good way. That the baby gets to stay in the family, that we get to bring home a newborn after all (I think I pretty much gave up on that and perhaps convinced myself that it was for the best) So OK, I will just readjust my outlook. It is what it is, and who am I to say that I shouldn't be doubly blessed? Thanks to both of you for your feedback, and sorry for the weirdness (which is my life these past few days) :thankyou:

I am very glad that you are finding clarity in your heart. I truly hope this works out well for all of you. Toward that end, I would just caution you to remember that she is not your daughter. The parents are the parents are the parents until after birth when they sign TPRs and entrustments and the revocation period, whatever it is, is over. More often than not, the birth experience, especially for a first-time mother, is incredibly transforming. Abstract ideas of babies, practicalities, etc., can melt away in an instant when faced with the reality of an irresistibly sweet baby and the very strong biological imperatives brought into play by body and brain chemistry at birth. She is still the mother, and it is still her duty to safeguard and nurture her child and make decisions for her child that are true to her heart and in her child's best interest. One of those interests is that it is in a child's best interest, if possible and all other things being equal, to be raised within her birth family. Through the pregnancy and the birthing, all that needs to be respected. It is one of the things that distinguishes infant adoption from birthing--there are boundaries that may cut significantly into what would otherwise be the expected sharings, declarations, etc. It is hard to tamp your joy and enthusiasm down, I know, but especially since this is a family situation, you want to be careful to respect the parents' role as parents as well as the tumultuous emotions this turn of events may bring out within your extended family, some of whom may resent you or blame you for what is happening, as illogical as that may be. So especially you want to avoid that whole "gotcha" syndrome. Most importantly, you want to be careful to avoid, particularly with a younger, more vulnerable mother, doing and saying things that make it all seem like a done deal, that you are so emotionally invested that she couldn't possibly think about changing her mind without hurting you. Many good intentions and happy hearts seem to lead to that, at least from what I've read on these boards from birthmothers. That means not indebting her to you through support, not going in for doctor's appointments unless she thinks to ask you, waiting to be asked, if asked, to the birth, etc. This is her pregnancy, her birth, her child. Hard to do, I am sure. Hard to prepare and yet not be an integral part of the process, I am sure. But necessary so that you and she and your daughter, if that comes to pass, can all look at each other clearly the rest of your lives and know that everything happened in an absolutely ethical way. She and the father need to feel absolutely free to make their decision after birth when and only when they feel ready to--which may not be immediately. In the meantime, it would be helpful to ensure that your relative receives a lot of unbiased counseling between now and April. If you can get as many of the directly affected extended family members in, too, to a group session to talk about what it will be like, what boundaries will look like, what roles will be like, how to treat other with some responsive compassion rather than reacting in the moment, etc., that would be great. We did not do that, and I think things are more difficult now than they need to be because of it. I'm sorry if all that seems like raining on your parade. But, been there, done that, even in a situation with an older child in foster care that would have gone to strangers otherwise. One SIL took me quite to task for sharing a happy bit not long after the TPRs. It was as if she expected us and our daughter to live out the rest of our lives with a cloud hanging over us, the "this shouldn't have happened" cloud. Anyway, I think more and more in all DIA situations, people are trying to be more aware and mindful of the autonomy and rights and duties of the parents as parents up until the moment they are not. Children are not "gifts," and no one can or should promise a child to another before that child is in the world; even when there is an adoption plan, once the child is born, then entrustment in all its aspects needs to be considered again freely by the parents. I really do hope this turns out well for all of you. :loveyou:

Hadley, thanks for bringing me back to earth. While in my heart of hearts I am finally confident that this is it for us, you are right that it's not done until it's done. The bmom already has one baby, so she knows the deal with the needs of a newborn. She's said that she considered parenting but realized she couldn't handle two young kids in her current situation. I haven't imposed myself on her, and in fact she asked how involved we wanted to be in the pregnancy and birth, and I said "as comfortable as you feel". She wants us to be at the birth (she brought it up, not us.) So really my coming across as "it's already a done deal" is just on here, not in relation to the parents. But point taken, I don't want to forget everything I've learned along the way just bc I'm so sick of almost-successes. The counseling is a good idea, though it'll take some creative wording on my part to get certain people to go for it (thinking of extended family, not bios or us). Sounds like a kinship adoption is legally smoother but emotionally more taxing, especially taking extended family into consideration. I guess that's what I was trying to figure out. :thanks:

I would def agree its more emotionally taxing. It sounds like you are doing whats best for this little one and the family involved!

I adopted my son at birth and his birthmother is my first cousin. Honestly while it was very emotional it was also the perfect experience. We were a part of the entire pregnancy and birth. As for our family it has worked out great! He will already know his biological family and it will not be too hard to explain as he gets older. This may be the perfect experience for you as long as you are clear about boundaries and expectations. Good luck!

Were any of you actively seeking to adopt when the situation with your relative(s) came up?

No, we were not so we had to go thru the entire process to become licensed foster care home and then change our home study to adoption when it got to that step.

Yes, we were already approved foster adopt parents when our son came into the picture. We have been married for 8 years and are unable to have biological children. My cousin chose to give this child to us instead of having another abortion. She thought that that it was unfair that she, a drug addict, could have so many pregnancies and we could not have a child.