In Your Own Words

Loss of medical history.Loss of heritage. I was raised in a heritage I obviously wasn't, and heritage was a big deal to my family.Loss of original identity. (not a major thing, but try not looking like anyone ever, in a family that strongly resembles one another)Loss of personal history. I didn't know the city I was born in until I was 39. My parents had been told it was within a 50 mile radius of this area. No idea of time of birth, hospital, birth weight etc...

The loss of continuity from the past and into the present. Not only was I adopted, but my future children will grow up with an extended family that is theirs by "adoption", in the sense that I will be the only member of my family producing non biologically related children. I know what heritage I am biologically, but it's been a loss to NOT be the heritage of my adoptive family. The loss of my original identity..I was born somebody else. I was born somebody else's. The knowledge of missing out on being raised by a biological family feels like a loss ( even though in reality it probably isnt.... I'm better off where I am now) My almost fiance', who was Italian, ( I've lived in Italy many years) broke up with me because his mother did not approve of my adoption- because her grandchildren would be "half me" , and even though I know who my biological parents are, she didn't want the other grandparents of her grandchildren to be people who didn't want their own kids. Verbatim. So... family is important to a lot of people. Heritage, bloodline, continuity, history, ancestry..all important. How could it be for me? I'm forever disjunct from all that. I've taken on the historical and ancestrial identity of my adoptive family. But there is still a sense of loss.

I lost my mother at birth, until I found her 40 years later. I lost the opportunity to know her, my father and my other relatives for the first 40 years of my life. I lost the chance to be raised by her and know my brother and sister and their children, and my father and the three brothers he gave me. I lost getting to meet my oldest little brother, he died a couple of years before I found them. I lost getting to meet both of my grandmothers and grandfathers because I didn't find them in time either. I lost time with them all. My children lost time with them. My husband and my adopted family lost time with the rest of my family too. I lost the opportunity to explore all that my children had inherited thru me from that side of my family, until I found them. By adoption, I lost the civil right of accessing vital records held about myself, unlike the non-adopted. And I've felt the losses the others have mentioned as well.

Thanks so much--I'm taking notes!

Have a look at the following poem in the media for adoptees forum [URL="http://forums.adoption.com/media-adoptees/145167-poem-about-being-adopted.html"]http://forums.adoption.com/media-adoptees/145167-poem-about-being-adopted.html[/URL] I know that adoption-related loss is hard for many to understand. I'd suggest saying to others, "Imagine that when you got married you had to give up all memory and connection to your first family, including your maiden name - both first and surname. Yes, you gained a new family and a husband but the price was losing your roots, your biological connection and many vital parts of who you are that others take for granted. Now imagine that you're a refugee who, upon settling in your new homeland, you are required to sever all connections to and memories of your first homeland. You are only allowed to celebrate your newfound home. Any mentioning of or wondering about, let alone grieving over, your first homeland is frowned upon as betrayal and seen as if there's something wrong wih you. Now imagine that your mother died when you were young and your father remarried. You're not allowed to grieve the loss of your mother since everyone says that you have a new mother. Now reflect upon when a baby is first born. All the comments about who it looks like, all the talk about genetic links, all the concerns about its pre and ante-natal care, all the fawning looks between mother, father and child, all the excitement about furthering the bloodline, all the fond memories about earlier relatives' giving birth, all the cuddles between mother and child. We, as adoptees, missed out on this. Our first experience of life was one of loss." If your friends are still unable to understand, hand them a book called, "Maternal Care and Mental Health". It was commissioned by the World Health Organization in the 1950's and written by John Bowlby, a pediatrician. It has been widely circulated worldwide and cited in over 400 publications. It documents several studies about the profound reactions that babies experience upon being separated from their mothers. If they still don't get it, then dare your friends, when they have their next child to relinquish it for several months, preferably to someone they don't know. (I wouldn't recommend actually going through with the dare, just put the scenario to them to see what their reaction is like).

loss when it comes to being an adoptee. wow! what a topic. i just turned 34, this is the first year that i know what time i was born. i just got my non-id info. details i grew up thinking about my b-mom some were different than the truth, my parents never lied to me, the agency chaged a few details. never being able to participate in Cherokee events b/c i don't have any proof of my heritage other than what my b-mom put down & how i look. i have never looked into a mirror & seen my b-mother's face or my b-father's. i love my parents (my a-parents) more than anything but i want to know these people that brought me into the world. i go to the doctor & he says so is there a family history of...... & i say i don't know b/c i'm adopted. i know my b-mom made the right decision but i wish i would have been left w/ more than a piddly medical record & so few details & no picture to identify my face with. i have had a great life & am greatful to her. the agency just spoke w/ her last wensday & she isn't sure if she wants contact. i did learn that 2 uncles & my b-grandmother are deceased. for some reason i am grieving for these people that are but are not a part of me. that's hard to put into words. i just wish that people would have thought more about the adoptee than the embarresment the birth-family so those of us who wonder would not be left w/ such a hole in their biology or heritage. sorry i have rambled on. maybe i'm super-sensitive about this b/c my search is so fresh. Cat