Adoptee ignores me--I never gave her up--want to see her

I know this isn't the answer you want to hear, and it's only my experience, but I wasn't ready to meet my bmom at 20. I wasn't really even thinking about it. I WAS thinking about how much I wanted to be out from under the Mom I had. (and she was/is wonderful, just normal wanting to grow up stuff) I know it has to be very hard to not take this personal, but my guess is it isn't. The late teens, early 20's are a time when many are forging their own lives and very involved in a world that is finally theirs alone. She may just need some time. Good luck, and I am sorry you are in so much pain over this.

While it is true that not every adopted person wants (or is ready) for contact with their birth mother, it sounds to me like your mom and your daughter's mom might be speaking for her, saying she's not ready. Can you be sure your daughter knows you are interested in meeting her and explaining your story? Is there any way you can reach out to her and contact her directly? I would want to hear from her directly before I would believe 100% that she did not want contact. It sounds like her mom is speaking for her, but that may not be how she really feels. Keep in mind, even under your circumstances where your daughter was taken and you did not wish for her to be adopted, she still may not feel that compassion that you are expecting from her. Reunion is not easy, by any means, and regardless of the circumstances of her placement, she really doesn't know you and, IMO, can't be expected to have certain feelings or desires to reconnect. If she has a mother who wasn't open about your daughter's biological heritage, and is threatened by contact with you (and it sounds like she might be), this will only put added pressure on your daughter, and issues of loyalty will be there even moreso than usual. I would read up as much as possible on adoption reunion (there are some good books out there) and look here on the forums, too, and get an idea of what to expect in reunion. I would also get familiar with the concept of "pullback" in reunion, which can happen to both the adoptee and the birth parent. Also, I know this is hard, but keep your expectations on the lower side. And know that even if your daughter does not want contact right now, that can change. In my situation (my son and I are not yet reunited but communicating through the agency) I try to just take everything slow and understand that whatever will happen will happen in its own time. I can say I have higher hopes in terms of a reunion, but I still keep my expectations in check. Also, as painful as it is to lose a child to adoption (even if, as in my case, it was my decision), our children should not bear the burden of "healing" us from that experience. As much as we would like them to understand the pain involved, and have compassion, and be in our lives, I don't think they should feel obligated in any way, you know? They are going to be experiencing a myriad of strong emotions of their own in terms of reconnecting that they will have to process. They don't call reunion a "rollercoaster" for nothing, that is for sure!

Have you found her on facebook or myspace? I'd just drop her a short message via her facebook saying that the door is open if she'd like to get to know you. I wouldn't bother explaining anything about her relinquishment yet. If she wants to know about that then she will ask. My daughter is about the same age and we have been in reunion for years but we hardly communicate and her amother is supportive of the reunion so as you can see it's up to the individual adoptee and we have to respect their needs. Take the time to research reunion - all the good and BAD bits.

I NEVER gave my daughter up from adoption. I feel she WAS STOLEN. She was. I do not have respect for an order that was made by a bad judge. There is info on the web about how bad he was and there was a movement to remove him from the bench. I don't believe that the adoption do's and don'ts really apply in my case. My daughter was stolen from me, wrongfully taken from me. If this is the case, what would your response be. I feel like telling my daughter about what thieves and liars they (CPS) were. I want her to know that.

I certainly don't want to come of as antagonistic, because I feel for you, so please take this in the gentle manner I intend it to be. The adoption do's and don'ts still apply. No matter how crooked things happened, they still did, and nothing will erase that. Your daughter probably believes she was adopted, and she's the one you're trying to reach. Come here, vent, throw big fits. Listen to the wisdom of the other Moms here, but please reconsider what you tell your daughter and when. She may want the truth, she deserves it, but timing is everything. If she's as under the thumb of her amom as you think, how do you think she'll react? Who do you think she'll believe, and where do you think she'll turn when she's upset? Your feelings are valid, and very real. I don't want you to think I don't know that. I assume you're goal is to have a relationship with her, and that may mean working through some of these things so you can have a healthy one.Otherwise, vent away!

I agree with txrnr. I DO sympathise with you. It sounds like your situation is HORRIBLE. But you need to tread carefully. If you lay too much on her too soon, she could just run like heck in the other direction. If I were you, I would just try to make contact, have a friendly contact, get to know her. Wait until she asks you questions. I wish you all the best.

My response still stands. Regardless of the circumstances of your case (and I agree, they are terrible!), your daughter was still adopted by another family, and the "dos and don'ts" of adoption absolutely apply. I am sure your daughter was not told that she was stolen from you, that the judge was corrupt, that your mom forced this issue, or any of the other details. If your first contact with your daughter is to lash out about these things, I really don't think it will bode well at all. Definitely come here and vent, but don't put that on your daughter. At least not right now, but even if you do reconnect, I'd be very careful in terms of how I presented this and I would find a way not to let the anger at what happened to you (which is justifiable, for sure) spill over onto her. Why not reach out to her, let her know you would like to get to know her if she is willing, and if not now, that your door is open if she desires contact in the future? Get to know her and feel her out a bit and see where she is coming from before you go into your story. I think it is one thing to bring up to your daughter that it was not your choice to have her adopted and there are extenuating circumstances involved that you would like to discuss when the time is right, and quite another to go full-tilt into your feelings about her being stolen from you and CPS being thieves and liars. Keep in mind, she may have a very loving relationship with her parents and it could be very difficult for her to deal with the circumstances of her adoption as you have experienced it. She may not have the same level of anger over it, or perhaps it will stir up anger in her that she never had to deal with before. I would just tread carefully here.

I agree with Justpeachy and the others. What happened to you is a crime - perhaps you could sue the state or CPS for you pain and suffering? Vent here no matter what...do not tell your bdaughter until way, way, way further down the track when she wants an explanation. No matter what do not be horrid about her aparents...sadly her loyalty lies with them. She will learn the truth eventually but don't do it right now...take it slow and get some counselling...and vent here.... Contact her separate from her aparents - but you have to accept that she may or may not want contact right now....blessings to you...

from an adoptive child view.... I knew from a very young age I was a adopted, but growing up I had my own feelings regarding the adoption. My aparents allways told me I could go look for my bmom/bdad. But when I got of age I started being upset about diff things in that regards and for quite a while i chose not to look. As an adoptee I can only go off of what the agency told me in my non ID and sadly alot of it may be untrue but for now its all I have. Give her some time she may come around down the line but the more you push the more she may push away. :)

How was your relationship with your mother before this happened? How did CPS get involved? How old were you? It does seem as if your mother does not want you to be part of your life as she facilitated the adoption. How long after your baby was taken did the adoption come about. Did the judge relinquish your rights in court? It is truly amazing how corrupt the court system is. CPs got involved with me and took my children from me, it took me a year to get them back, they were in FC for 3 mths and 9 mths with my brother. The FM did not want to give them to him, she had to be forced, she even told my kids she wanted to adopt them.