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His birthday is only a few days away, and so I always share on my family's website his birthdate, at the very least. Most of them met him, and so maybe I naively want to include them on his birthday.
I had an interesting conversation with one of my sisters just a few minutes ago. She was angry with me for putting up his birthdate on our family website because her son is starting to read and she feels that I am making the decision for her as to when to tell him about my birthson. I was shocked. I have been putting his birthday on our website since his first birthday. He's turning 6 this year! And she decides to tell me that she's not the only one who feels that I am making this parenting decision for my siblings.
I am so confused. More than half of my nieces and nephews were old enough to know I was pregnant, and so know of my birthson anyway. They clearly know he's not here with me, so he must be somewhere. Am I in the wrong by honoring the day he was born with my family, or am I supposed to hide his birthday and celebrate only with my husband and child? What about someday when I have lots of kids who know of my birthson - when they spill the beans, will I get in trouble for that too, that I shared about him with my children?
I could really use some insight and help. Please.
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I would keep putting up his birthday. Tell your sister-"oh now that your son is starting to read, it might be a good opportunity to discuss adoption with him."
Since most of your family seems to be aware of it, there's no reason to be secretive-it is disrespectful to you (and your bson). It sounds as though your sister is just now bringing this up because SHE does not know how to handle the difficult questions. I would also tell her if other family members feel this way, they need to tell you directly.
This would upset me to the point of being rude but it is probably just a case of relatives not knowing how to respond to questions. Perhaps you can ask your sister why it upsets and what would be appropriate to tell her son when he asks.
Also remember it is much easier to talk about it now, what happens if you are in reunion with your son and his cousin asks his mom how come she never told him? I'm an adoptee and an amom and I think honest (appropriate for age level of course) is always best.
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My gut reaction was "wow, her sister is really selfish". After thinking about it, her reaction is probably based in fear. Fear that she won't know how to answer questions her child might have.
Was your family supportive of your decision to place your son? That too may be a reason she is getting prickly about it. That still doesn't it make it your problem, but it may explain why she is so put off.
You have every right to post about your son, whether family members like it or not. That's how family secrets start, and those never end well! lol Stick to your guns, I admire that you want to honor your son, and it makes me sad that some family members can't see past their own fears and questions. hang in there!
I'm sorry your sister isn't more supportive! Personally I would keep doing what you are doing. What your sister needs to realize is she has a choice - to share or not share with her son. And if she's not ready to share at his age then she can turn off the computer, avoid the question, not go to the calendar page of the website etc. She has a ton of choices and yet the only one she chooses is the one where you are responsible for her choice. That's not fair to you.
Continue posting your son's birthday and honor him that way. If your family cannot deal, that is their problem.
I know how hard it is because as a birth mom, any time I try to talk about my son I usually get either *crickets* or else dismissive comments. It's like the whole subject is taboo or something! But unless we take a stand and don't allow others to shut us down because THEY are uncomfortable with it, it will just continue and become a dirty family secret, which benefits no one.
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