to see or not to see?

We wanted the same thing for our daughter... for her to know her bioparents. We DO have a formal agreement. In it are guidelines about presents. My daughter's bios are each allowed to bring her one present for christmas and one present for her birthday. If they have extended family that really wants to give gifts they are given to us to give to her.We did this because 1) we don't want her viewing her birthmom as a present machine 2) we want her to include her extended familiy in her own life as she is older and can choose if that is what she wantsI, personally, would not involve a lot of extended family except mom/dad/biosibs. Just my opinion.And, you'd be surprised what a 2 year old can grasp. Our daughter knows she came out of my Mommy C's tummy, not mine. Its a start.I think you made the right choice, I happen to be a really firm believe in making some level of openness work. But, you are the parent, you probably need to set clear guidelines for your own sake. It doesn't need to be court ordered (ours is) but just maybe write something up saying .... we want you to see the kids, here are our parameters.I just want to affirm again, I think your decision to include her in their lives is great, you just need to figure out how that can be successful for your kids.If you want an actual copy of our Open Adoption Agreement, I can PM it to you, let me know. It would give you some ideas.

Thanks for your response. I know that she has good intentions, and like I said I met her mom and 2 brothers/wives, kids at her son's birthday party and they were all very nice and seemed to generally appreciate us for caring for these kids. I actually got a Christmas card from her mom this year. However, I get concerned that there will be those that only confuse the situation by calling the kids their "birth" names or saying they are uncle so and so, etc.. These kids are sooo well adjusted and unaffected at this point by the prior trauma in their lives that I don't want to rock the apple cart. Their bio mom is actually a sweet girl, just someone who never was parented and didn't have the resources or ability to know what to do with them. Afterall she had 4 children in a 29 month time span to 3 different men. So thanks again for the Open adoption agreement idea. At this point I think I'll just let her know that I don't want to confuse the children with a lot of other people and if she wants to attend their parties thats fine, but I'm not comfortable exposing them to a lot of strangers. Jodi

:eek: athikers had a great point about the presents. My kiddos totaly EXPECT presents EVERY time they see their birth family and it is very unhealthy in my opinion. One gift at Christmas and birthday are fine. I would be vocal about that from the beginning. (or they could put money in their college fund if they want to do more!! :woohoo: ) We have open adoptions with our 3 and I have learned that there is a very delicate ballance. On the one hand, I think it is okay that they have lots of aunts and uncles and grandparents. You can never have too many people in your life that love you! BUT, I have also found that too much contact can keep the kids living in the past. I commend you for wanting the best for your kids. It is very hard to share them, I know this first hand. Ultimately, I believe that our kids will appreciate us for the sacrifices we have made to keep in touch with their extended family. Once a year sounds fantastic to me, we see the grands once a month!! TOO MUCH