International searches and reunions question

[FONT=Times New Roman]Hi Jeanniejbo, [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]There are many excellent resources via [URL="http://www.icasn.org"]Inter-Country Adoptee Support Network[/URL] including personal stories of search and reunion as well as a country of origin representative for the Philippines [URL="http://www.icasn.org/representatives/richard_woodward.html"]RICHARD WOODWARD[/URL]. Please note that it's totally run by volunteers so response may be very slow. A particularly useful book is, "The Colour of Difference". An excellent documentary that shows the reunion LIVE is "The Daughter From Danang" [URL="http://www.daughterfromdanang.com/"]Daughter From Danang[/URL] - it was nominated for an Academy Award. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]How familiar are you with Filipino culture? Or at lest travelling in poorer and/or war torn countries? Do you speak Tagalog? I remember travelling to Manila en route to Taiwan. During the one-night stop-over, I'd assumed that I could just easily book a hotel from the airport information counter. I asked the hotel bookings counter staff for a reasonably-priced place, fairly close to the airport - i.e. not the Airport Hilton but not the downtown, cheaper places. To my surprise and fright, he ended up doing his pal a favor and sent me, a 20-year old single woman, to a sex hotel in the heart of Ermita, the red light district almost near downtown Manila. I locked myself in my mirror-infested room and didn't leave the place (too many fat, old western men running around with 12-year old working girls) until I caught the cab to the airport the next morning.[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]Here are my recommendations regarding intercountry search and reunion, particularly in Asian countries:[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]1. Cultural familiarity[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]How much are you familiar with the values, practices and language of your culture of origin? For example, in some Asian cultures, ‘yes’ can actually mean ‘yes, I hear you’, not ‘yes, I agree with you’. In Chinese culture, the number four is a bad number since it sounds like the word for death (so don’t give gifts, eg. placemats, that add up to four). I highly recommend learning as much as you can about your country of origin’s cultural norms and language before you go. If you live in a place where there are migrants from your home country, find ways to get involved with them before you go to familiarize yourself with their cultural customs. Or if you don't have access to such a community, at least go to a migrant community whereby they don't speak English and immerse yourself so that you get familiar with being in a foreign community. I recommend the Culture Shock! book series, eg. "Culture Shock! Philippines". The more familiarity you have in advance, the better off you’ll be.[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]2. Poverty[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]It is possible that you might meet birth family who are much poorer than you. How do you feel when you meet others who are from extremely poor and/or war-torn backgrounds?[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]3. Navigating foreign bureaucracies[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]If you are searching, how familiar are you with working with foreign bureaucracies, particularly in countries where service is minimal and/or public servants are corrupt? In some countries, it is common, unwritten practice to provide bribes to public officials for even seemingly small services, eg. local train tickets. On bigger issues, I know of people who's mother died in China because they couldn't afford to pay the 'red envelope money' (bribe) to the doctors.[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]4. Duty and obligation[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]Some cultures place very strong importance on duty and obligation within family. In some cultures family members are expected to financially support their relatives and/or send money home. Many intercountry adoptees have encountered requests from birth family members for money. What are your feelings about duty and obligation, particularly when it comes to family? How would you feel about being asked to support your birth family financially? [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]5. Hierarchy[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]How do you deal with social, particularly family, hierarchies? For example, in Taiwan, younger generations are expected to respect and honour their elders. According to a family counsellor in Taiwan, it is common for older family members to tell their younger family members what to do. Often this is their way of showing personal concern for you.[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]6. Personal boundaries[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]You might be requested for favours (eg. sponsorship for immigration, money) from people whom, while birth related, you don’t know very well. How strong are you in managing personal boundaries, of knowing what you are and are not prepared to do, and honouring those personal boundaries, regardless of pressure from others?[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]7. Personal privacy[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]How much importance do you put on personal privacy? Is some cultures in Asia, the concept of personal privacy is not as strong as in Western societies. For example, in Taiwan it is considered normal to ask someone, especially foreigners, about their marital status and their salary. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]8. Ambiguities and uncertainties[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]How resourceful are you in dealing with situations of ambiguity and uncertainty? Searching for one’s birth family in many ways is facing the unknown. If this is your first cross-cultural visit, there are likely to be a lot of things that are unfamiliar and confusing to you. You might also have to ask for and rely on the help from strangers. Some business people who’d visited Japan for the first time described their experience as scary as being like a child lost in a big department store.[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]9. Grief, loss and bereavement[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]How do you deal with feelings of grief, loss and/or bereavement? During your journey, you might experience these feelings, you might discover that your birth family members have died or do not wish to have contact with you. Learn about how grief and bereavement are dealt with in your birth culture. Eg. in Japan, the funeral involves a ritual whereby members of the family passing the bones of the deceased via chopsticks from one family member to the next. Also, in some countries, the eldest member of the family will be the one who is consulted and who makes all the final decisions - it may not be a democractic-style 'everyone is consulted' practice. If you do find that your birth family have died, I recommend the following online support group that specializes in bereavement faced by people within the adoption triangle: [URL="http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/FoundandLostSupport/"]FoundandLostSupport : Found and Lost Support[/URL][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]10. Working with interpreters[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]If you can gain experience in communicating with interpreters before you go, the better off you’ll be. Even if you don’t have access to this, you might at least find watching some documentaries that show people working with interpreters useful. In selecting an interpreter, again, find someone who is used to interpreting in highly emotional situations. In Australia, the National Accreditation Authority for Translators and Interpreters [/FONT][URL="http://www.naati.com.au/"][FONT=Times New Roman]http://www.naati.com.au[/FONT][/URL][FONT=Times New Roman] provides a directory of translators and interpreters. When working with an interpreter, remember to speak slowly, look at both the interpreter and your birth family members, pause every few sentences so that the interpreter can digest what you’re saying, and avoid slang words.[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]11. Mediators[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]Definitely find a mediator who understands and supports your needs and concerns. Even if you can’t find someone who’s bi-lingual, at least bring along someone for moral/emotional support.[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]12. Stress management[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]How do you manage stress, particularly in an unfamiliar environment? Many adoptees have described their search and reunion journeys as an emotional roller coaster. For example, I prefer to cycle as a way of relieving stress. However, since I found that cycling in my birth city was a lot more difficult, I joined a gym instead. Since you may be dealing with an emotional roller coaster and a lot of ambiguity in interpreting cultural cues, it is highly likely that the journey will be stressful. For myself, even although I had many years of experience working in Asia, already spoke Chinese and had dealt with bereavement in the past, I was amazed at how emotionally draining my own journey was. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]My other recommendation is to proceed with the reunion/search only as fast as the slowest person in the group. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]13. FAQs and other resources[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]What support networks do you have in place to help you with dealing with a) the emotional journey (many adoptees have described it as a roller coaster), b) interpreting the cultural and linguistic aspects of your journey? [/FONT]

Ripples - thanks for these wonderful suggestions.... I wonder if you might have any suggestions for adoptive parents hoping to open a closed international adoption? DH and I pursued an open adoption for two and a half years domestically, first independently and then through foster care, with no success. Now that we are adopting from Poland, the likelihood of openness is slim. We will of course inquire about contact or identifying information on the birth family from our agency, the orphanage, etc. but my understanding of the situation in Poland is that openness is a very, very new concept, and it is not likely that it would be supported. One of the reasons we wanted an open adoption from the beginning was to save our child (and ourselves) the stress of a search down the road. We recognize that our child will have a second set of parents/family "out there", and they deserve to know where they come from and their history. So if you have any suggestions, I am open to em. thanks!

Hmmm... I'm not familiar with this one. Perhaps you could obtain advice from the Open Adoptions forums. Then the next thing would be to research the ins and outs of Poland's rules and culture. There is a book called, "The Politics of Adoption" by Kerrie O'Halloran, ISBN: 1402091516, published by Springer in 2009 in London which looks at various legislation in different countries but I don't know if it looks at Poland. Regarding post-adoption contact, [URL="http://www.baaf.org.uk"]British Association for Adoption and Fostering[/URL] published a research brief titled, "Supporting post-adoption contact in complex cases - briefing paper" written by Elsbeth Neil, Jeanette Cossar, Christine Jones, Paula Lorgelly and Julie Young, June 2010. ISBN: 978-1-84775-766-1. It might have some useful info too. Alternatively, perhaps you could re-contact the adoption agency and ask them what they advise regarding minimising the stress of search later on - maybe there's a contact register that they keep? All the best to you!

Sounds good, thanks!

I think a lot will depend on why the child was in foster care or orphanage. If it was for abuse, you may want to be careful. For my Russian dd she was placed because they felt like her special needs could not be addressed in Russia. We did hire a searcher and have some contact with her parents, however it's very painful for them and they did not tell any of thier family so it's not frequent. For my Polish son he was placed also because of his disabilities, however his sole living parent wants no contact with him. So an open adoption is out of the question for him, though we are in contact with the nuns from his orphanage.

momraine - good point about the reason for placement. I will play it by ear then, as I've learned not to try to micro-manage the details of our adoption :hippie:

Law Firm Krzysztof Orszagh offer a legal help in organization international adoption. We are a polish law firm from Warsaw specializing in family law. If You are interested in adopt a child from Poland we are able to help You. The procedure which we offer is unconventional and much faster than normal but it is still legal and allowed by a Polish law. To contact please send us an e-mail: kancelaria.prawna@orszagh.com You can also visit our website: [url=http://orszagh.com/eng]LAWYER’S OFFICE KRZYSZTOF ORSZAG[/url]

Ripples-- this is awesome information! I was also not aware of how emotionally taxing the reunion process is; for international adoptees,(and I am an adoptee from the PI), it can be a wonderful but also difficult experience. In my case, my b_family was poor and had both high emotional and financial expectations that I would treat them as my 'real' family. Though I have yet to meet my mother (and will do so this June), several of her relatives have already ask that I sponsor them. I wasn't prepared for how this request would make me feel violated, even though I knew that this was a possibility. I am still learning how to place boundaries without feeling guilty and undermining a blossoming relationship with my b_parent. This is not to scare jeanniejbo, but to prepare her so she will know how to negotiate such issues if need be.