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In the summer of 1968 i was born in sunny Brighton, England and in march 69 adopted in scotland by mum and dad. Dad was born in 1918 and mum in 1922 so there was a big generation gap that was to make life difficult from the start. Dad had three kids after the war but apparently is nutty ex wife turned them agaisnt him and once remarried he decided to adopt me and my elder sister. I say this because mum did not have a maternal bone in her body, i still cannot remember her ever cuddling us or telling us she loved us. Both of them grew up with boarding schools, being presented to their parents by nannies and in from what i can gather very strict snobby backgrounds, so neither of them had the skills and with maturity i understand better. Dad died 13 years ago and mum 3. Right from the start i knew i was adopted, the grey and silver hair could not tell lies, but they lied about the reasons and when i found my birth mother at the age of 28 i found the truth before she died from the bottle and i believe never having got over giving me up. Mum and Dad were very strict with us at home, while my sister withdrew into herself i rebelled and by my teen years was pretty much out of control.I joined the army at 16 to get away, served for two years hating the discipline but happy to be away. For years i travelled the world did some crazy things, got mixed up with drugs and football. I also served a prison sentence for animal liberation, a subject still close to my heart. Then i got married and had 2 beautiful children, my wife suffered horrific pnd and was vile to them both in the first 18 months of their lives and i hated her for it. We did not understand it, neither of us but it was the beginning of the end of my marriage, even though we moved to be near her family it was only medication that calmed the waters. I was angry with her, cross and sad, i could not believe how anyone could be like that to our kids let alone their own mother, so i was horrible to her, not violent but horrible. Things were never the same and now i have lost her, i see my kids loads but its not enough, i want them everyday, i am heartbroken. I wish i could turn the clock back, i wish my early years had been full of love and togetherness that might have equipped me for problems later in life. My ex wife had a strong large and loving family and all i did was push them away, why did i do that? Never have i felt so alone, never have i felt so low,i just cant seem to move on, my sister and i are not close, never have been. I feel like a victim though i know thats my problem i just want to find peace and understand it all, but cannot, please help regards and peace to all x x
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Peter, Your story is incredibly sad, I am sorry for what your life has been like. There are some great adoptees on this site who may have been through similar lives that hopefully will chime in. Stick around and get to know us. Start threads about a specific issue like pushing people away - actually pretty sure there is a recent thread on this topic. I find by drilling down to one issue you get replies that hit all levels of the spectrum so you may find this works for you and that someone will post something that speaks directly to your pain. I can tell you that working through your past can start the healing process and create a better tomorrow. Have you read any adoption books related to adult adoptees? Ripples is the best resource for best books to read on specific subjects and hopefully will be reading this post and suggest some to start with. Life will get better if you want it to - one small step at a time, some days may feel like you are sinking back but they will get less and less. Stick around and see if this place helps. Kind regards,Dickons
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Thank you, i am crying as i write this, am not sure if bringing up the past is good or bad but am going to hang around for a while to find out, i dont want sympathy but empathy is a wonderful thing. I try to be the person i want to be but it is hard. I have never read any books but would like to try, i have only skimmed the surface of what occurred both at home as a child and later on in life. i want to share every last **** word, for three reasons- to understand, to move on and be happy again and to help others if i can regards Pete, to know there are others out there even in the cyber world means a lot x
I am saddened that your wife had such a tough time when your children were little. My husband had a mini-crisis after our oldest was born, so I can empathize with your pain. Hopefully her relationship with them is better now. I was an instant bonder with my children. My twins were more challenging but I was so in love with my kids. My kids bring me so much joy that it is sad to me how many women dont feel that. I definitely understand some of your feelings towards her because even now I get irritated when my husband does the poor me routine, I have 4 kids, twins are so much work, blah, blah, blah. My kids have never felt like a burden to me, but I cannot say the same for my husband. We are all programmed differently. Sometimes I think it is easier to take for granted family when you have one, for us having little people that we have biological connection to feels more significant.
Do you really miss your ex-wife or do you miss the ғlife the two of you had or could have had? Is there any chance of the two of you trying again or was the relationship completely destroyed in the process of divorcing? I know you feel alone now, but IԒm guessing you also felt alone when you were married.
I am an optimist. Sometimes my cheeriness even irritates me. I attribute it to getting a second chance after almost killing myself at 15. Yes there is depression; freewill cannot always conquer all. It is easier said than done but for people with traumatic pasts I think we have to learn to give ourselves the things that others most likely never will give us. So many people waste their lives grieving the things they never had. My father was a terrible alcoholic because he never felt accepted or loved by his father. Do I think my father ever understood that he was doing exactly to his children the same thing his father did to him, probably not? Even though I dont share DNA with him do I think I am predisposed to being an alcoholic? Absolutely. I never felt loved or that anyone cared about my emotional well being as a child. It takes a conscious effort but I will never allow my children to feel the way I did. You have an opportunity to be different and it sounds like you are, so donҒt let the pain destroy it. Continue to talk on this forum, talk to a counselor, look into medication, and join a team, club, or group to help with the loneliness. Avoid isolating yourself, and allow yourself to have things/interests outside of your children. For my adoption stuff taking a write your life story class at the local community college was super therapeutic. Fight for your peace and happiness, if you dont youҒll end up just like the people you dont want to be. You deserve to find within yourself the happiness that you were denied as a child. Good luck and I wish you the best,
Sincerely,
Amanda
Peter41
Thank you, i am crying as i write this, am not sure if bringing up the past is good or bad but am going to hang around for a while to find out, i dont want sympathy but empathy is a wonderful thing.
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Have just returned from work and read your pm, your words have touched me deeply and for that i send warmth and love. "FEELERS" THAT SUMS IT UP COMPLETELY it was what we are and why it hurts so much! Intimacy had gone from our marriage soon after Ayla my nearly seven year old was born. On reflection she never loved me as i did her, they say there is always a lover and a loved one and my position was clear. I do not grieve for her but struggle deeply Ayla and Johnny are not next door every night. From the start i have been close, both delivered into my hands, loved, fed and changed through the darkest of times. I apologised a thousand times for my reactions to her pnd but it has never been reciprocated, to hear the woman you love with all yout heart screaming in hatred at my kids was too much and i reacted badly, we both did not understand but when it was over she never forgave me . I saw a counciler and dragged up my past, looked in the mirror EVERYDAY and truely conquered my demons. I caught her on facebook arranging a date with a first love who she had finished with through his heroin addiction which lasted over 15 years, he was in rehab and that was that, he has since assualted her, used again and used drink (alcoholic too), he is back on the good side again and it is clear this time that she is the lover.My kids like him though he buys their love and she helps, but if they are happy with him then that is all i can possibly wish for, if he remains clean and safe then peace. I see my babies 40% of their lives, totally alone in this town now, she has cut me off, but still they come to me and are desperate to do so, i do school runs, homework and play, when they are with me they never ask for their mum even if it is holiday and it has been a week since they saw her. I mean by pillar to post that they are back and forth and your words about your stepson give me much hope.
I know that your marriage has been broken and the fact it is glued together is sad, im sorry, once broken it is just that. I hope so much your husband starts to feel before it is too late, he is so lucky that having cheated you allowed him back into your life, but i can understand that you cant forgive him. Amanda, the only way to forgive is to forget and give yourself completely, thats what feelers do and thats why it hurts so much. Now i have rambled but it feels ok. regards Pete