Torn

d.easter, You are facing a very difficult, life-changing decision that only you yourself can make. Unless you are thinking about terminating the pregnancy you have a lot of time to decide whether to parent or place for adoption. My best friend was in a situation very similar to yours. She was 21 yrs old when she got pregnant by her on again/off again ex. He also disappered after she told him she was pregnant. The father reapperaed about two months before the baby was born, came to visit a few times after she was born and then disappeared again for several months. That was the case for the next 10 years. My friend took him to court and was awarded child support, which he never paid because he refused to keep a job. My friend struggled to make ends meet and got some public assistance but she made it through. She also had a lot of support from her family and friends. Her daughter is now a happy healthy well-adjusted 13 yr old. Her father finally pays child support, though he is delinquent by about $20,000+, but she rarely sees him. I know my friend does not regret the decisions she made and would not have done it diffrently even though it was not easy for her. With that being said, I'm sure everyone on this forum can give you a good or bad story similar to your situation. Everybody is different and life is what you make it. Don't let anyone talk you into doing what they think is best, do what is best for you and for your baby.

If your baby could speak, he/she would say that he/she wanted to stay with you. BTW I'm married with children and we have a low income at the moment (I pray that will change soon) so I can't provide the "best" materially for my children - do you think I should look at adoption? What happens if the APs divorce or get made redundant and fall on hard times? Children need very little materially - what they do need is their mother's love and support. blessings to you.

Or worse- what if the APs are child molesters - or addicts - once you give up control of your children to adoption, anything could happen and you have no power to change it - that is the porblem!

Yes, I am fully aware of the gravity of this situation. I realize that I will be relinquishing my say in this child's future if I choose to place it in the hands of APs. I also know that returning to school will be nearly impossible should I keep her. I had a very tough childhood because my parents were unable to provide for all 4 of us kids, and I do not want to bring a baby into the world unless I know that I can provide for it.

Like pps said this would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You can go to school and have a baby. I had a baby in the middle of pharmacy school. It was hard sure but not impossible and I got to spend more time with her than I would have if I had been working full time because she only had to go to daycare while I was in class. You can get CS and money for daycare from the father and financial aid to help pay your rent and other expenses. My school had a drop in daycare for students that was really convenient. School doesn't last forever and you don't have to give up your dreams to parent. If there's a will there's a way. Please don't let lack of money stop you if you want to parent.

d.easter, I noticed in your post that you didn't really indicate what you were looking for by posting and it seems that you've heard from several people who are encouraging you to regroup and think about your decision.I agree with them. I don't think making an adoption plan for your baby is something you can do at the drop of a hat. Everything you've mentioned in your post about it being hard or impossible is true, if that's how you want it to be. It will most assuredly be hard, but there are plenty of women who have parented children as single mothers while attending school that would disagree that it is impossible. I am one of them.In fact, as a single mother, you would be eligible for additional financial resources to assist you with the cost of schooling, the cost of housing as well as the cost of child care. There is help available, if you'd like help.Something else you said in your post wasWhat you may not realize is that regardless of your decision to place or parent, you are tied to this man forever by virtue of giving birth to a child you will share, either physically through a custody agreement or emotionally through the bounds of giving birth to a child you've placed for adoption.If you are looking for someone to reassure you in your decision to place, you can call any number of adoption agencies, they will be happy to tell you whatever you'd like to hear. It is true, some women place and never bear the scars of having placed. They are happy, content and have moved on with their life and have never looked back.It is also true that there are some women who place and never, ever, get over the pain of having done so. A fraction of those women have ever ended their life as a result of the pain. No one here, or anywhere, can tell you what side you will fall on. No one can tell you how you will react. No one here or anywhere else can tell you how the experience of placing your child for adoption will (or wont) impact you.These are things you need to be thinking about yourself. When it all comes down to it - money doesn't buy happiness. It's better to be broke/poor and happy than it is to be rich and miserable...at least for most people.Financial issues are often short term. With proper planning, some support and the will, you can do this if you want to.If you don't want to - then nothing else really matters - no one should parent if they don't want to. If that's where you're at, that's ok too, we can support you, if support is what you need. Something you haven't mentioned is the fathers thoughts on the topic. Has he indicated that he wishes to parent? If parenting isn't an option for you, maybe this is a viable alternative?

Hi Deaster, Let me start by saying that you are in an impossibly difficult position; my heart and my prayers are with you. I pray for all moms and potential moms every night and I will ask God to shower you with his grace and blessings. As you can tell I am a foster/adoptive mother of a 3 year old FC. This little one is the light of my life, its joy and all of my lifes happiness is tied up in this 30 lb bundle of energy. I am seeing a lot of negative posts here regarding adoptive families; I would like to reassure you that we (adoptive families) are not the evil doers as are portrayed in some of the posts. For the most part, we are every day folks that could not have our own bio children. My wonderful husband of 16 years & I had always wanted to have a child of our own and adopt one coz we have always felt so blessed by the gift that is our life. We knew we could only be truly happy if we had two children a bio & an adoptive so now we are in the process of adopting our FC. What ever is the decision that you make please remember that as this childҒs mother you will do whatever is in this childs best interest and whatever is this childҒs destiny. Regards, afostermother

Several people have said that once you place this baby for adoption, you have no say and the APs could be terrible. This is true. However, many many adoptive parents want a baby more than anything and will love the baby and do anything to give that baby a happy childhood and life. I am an adoptive mother and know many adoptive parents with very happy well-loved children. My son was the most wonderful precious gift I have ever received and I have loved every second of being his mother. He is happy, healthy and loved, and his birth parents can receive pictures and letters and meet him if they so choose. I am not saying placing the baby for adoption is what you should do. You should do what is right for you. But a fear of terrible APs should not be the deciding factor. You can work with an agency and choose the family you want to place your baby with. You can ask for an open adoption and receive pictures and letters so you know how your baby is doing. Again, I am not saying this is the right option for you. You need to choose what is best for you and your baby and you will find support in the decision you make. Do think about it long and talk with people you trust. This is a decision you cannot make easily.

d. easter deserves credit for choosing to give her baby life whether she chooses to parent or give the baby for adoption. Choosing to carry her baby was an unselfish choice and one for which she deserves support and praise.

That comment applies to every woman who gives birth, not just women in crisis. Funny how no one ever applauds a married woman for continuing a pregnancy...but I digress. d.easter - I finished my college education after I gave birth to my two parented daughters. I didn't finish until I was 30, and I won't deny that it was difficult at times, but I finished and have an awesome life now. After the relinquishment of my son, nothing short of homelessness, abject poverty or death would separate me from another child. The only thing I can encourage you to do is to reach out for objective counselling prior to making a decision.

Thank you all for your support in this. As I have tried to convey I am aware that this is not a cut-and-dry situation. I know that it will impact me and my child for the rest of our lives. I am, however, trying to figure out what is best for this child. I would love to see it raised with both a mother and a father involved- something I cannot give it right now. I have not heard from the father since the day after Thanksgiving. I told him I was pregnant the 2nd week of December. I have not heard back nor have I been able to contact him successfully yet. He has other kids, and as far as I know he wasn't faithful to me during our relationship, so he might be thinking this is a) not his kid (which isn't even a remote possibility) or b) this is just an attempt to get back into a relationship with him. Neither of these are true, obviously. I haven't been with another man in over a year and by the time I found out I was pregnant I had decided to wash my hands of him. What I was saying about not wanting to be tied to him was that I don't want to have to deal with him on a regular basis. I have seen the way he treats his children's mother and it is condescending and disrespectful. He only spends time with 2 of his 4 kids as well, I would hate to have this baby suffer that kind of rejection. So, no, I am not merely thinking of myself here. I am trying to make the decision of what will be the healthiest situation in which for me to place my child. But it is still very early in my pregnancy, I am just 10 1/2 weeks, so I have a lot of time to make my decision. I do appreciate the feedback, so keep replying! Thanks

In terms of placing ONLY because you want 2 parents...well....that might not be areality. With the divorce rate the way it is the chance of that happening to your child is real.

Just to throw another approach out there, I know there are many wonderful adoptive parents and first/biological parents who feel they have made the right decision. With open adoption, you can spend a lot of time with a family prior to placement and request contact after the placement. Unfortunately open adoption isn't legally enforcable in most states, but there are more cases of adoptive parents complying than those that promise to comply & then don't. Also, you might look at legal guardianship options. I know an individual who was abused in her adoptive home & couldn't risk that happening with her children so she granted temporary custody to a family and was able to allow them to raise the children while knowing she could reverse guardianship IF the children were at risk (she was quite certain she would not otherwise--I would not suggest this under any circumstances, as it's not fair for the child to simply change your mind later). It wasn't perfect--they didn't do things the way she would have done them, and eventually they did cut back on contact (based on the kids needs) but she felt like it was the best option for her and the children and ended up relinquishing nearly 18 months after placement. I agree with whatever previous poster suggested counseling, specifically from an unbiased source--NOT an adoption agency. A pastor or religious leader may be a possible option, though they can also be biased. It may not be impossible to continue pursuing your schooling while raising a baby. Spend some time researching what options are available for support. If you qualify you can get TANF for up to five years (within your life time), which would likely give you time to get through school. You may also qualify for housing assistance so you could possibly find something closer to the school, and assistance with child care expenses while you are in classes and/or working (many states require at least part time employment). Is it ideal to get government support? Nope. But those resources are there specifically to keep families together while the individual works to improve their standard of living, which is exactly what you would be doing by continuing your education. It's not selfish to choose an adoption plan so you can continue focusing completely on your education, while making a choice that will give the baby a loving family and a stable living situation. There are never any guarentees, but you DO have the chance in this day and age to seriously consider what is important to you in a family and make your choice based on that likelihood. It is also not selfish to decide you want to parent and make the sacrifices it takes to make that happen. It's simply another path. You need to do what is right for you, and you have plenty of time to consider your options before you have to decide. At least 7 months--and nothing says you have to relinquish before the baby is born. Take all the time you need.

I understand what you are trying to say about the biofather... Your situation reminds me so much of my little sisters'. She got pregnant when she was 17. She thought about adoption, but ultimately, she chose to parent. She had to give up going away to a great college, and instead, lived with my mom (and sometimes me). The biodad is a real piece of crap. He comes in and out of my nephew's life, breaks promises, doesn't call him for YEARS at a time and then just shows up out of nowhere. I have watched (not so silently...) as he has crushed my nephew time and time again. Fast forward nearly 7 years and I just could not imagine our family without my nephew. My sister used every single program possible (WIC, food stamps, section 8 housing, free childcare, almost free college) and took care of her son and just graduated from college last year. She is married to a decent guy who my nephew calls Dad. She did struggle, and it was hard to watch, but she's doing alright now. I think where she messed up early on is that she wanted so badly for the biodad to be Daddy that she allowed him to get away with anything. She did not protect her son from him. If you can figure out a way to not get caught up in this guy being Daddy(assuming he won't commit to that), to realize that YES being a single mom is more than enough, than you could make everything else fall into place. I also think the fact that my sister had lots of family supporting her decision to parent helped. There were many times over the years that my whole family wondered if my sister should have placed instead of parented. But you sound much more mature than she was. She hoped with all her heart that everything would be happily ever after; she had no real plan. But you are different, you are already looking ahead at the worse case senario. That's something the best moms I know do. :) If you do decide to place, follow your heart and you'll find the right family for your baby.

Truly, nobody can tell you what decision is best. You have many options, and it's a good idea to think it over and explore them before you commit to one idea. Don't let your fear convince you that you can't parent your child, but also don't let a fear of the idea of awful adoptive parents convince you your child couldn't have a wonderful life with adoptive parents. If you do decide to place, only choose an agency after asking a LOT of questions and make sure they carefully screen their potential adoptive parents. See a counselor who is not at all connected to any certain group(pro or against adoption), you want to talk to someone who can be objective and help you to find the answer in your heart. If you decide to parent, make sure you find some kind of support system, whether it be family, or friends, or even online support. Either way, you will want and need people to lean on for support and love!