Let's Talk About Healing....

Shadow, you are right. I believe everything is interrelated. I was not adopted, but once a counselor told me that the coping mechanisms I had developed in childhood didn't work so well in adulthood. I suspect all of us need to deal with the "stuff" of our lives no matter what our pasts even without the trauma of adoption. Since reunion with my bson, I have thought more about how my experience with adoption affected my live and the lives of my other family members. Ultimately, I must admit that I don't know how life would have been different without the experience of placing my firstborn because it is a part of who I am.

I can identify with this (even though I've never lived it) because I think it is a similar sort of thing. I deal with OA not the placement. Someone might deal with just reunion, but not deal with the initial placement. I think you can absolutely isolate the two and think that you're dealing with both, while you never get to the heart of the issue. Also - it's HARD. And I do think things like hearing your child call someone else Mom, watching them have their one on one mother/child moments, and actually watching them do the things that you instinctively want to do does reopen a wound. I know that some of my roughest days are the ones immediately following a visit. (Also the most confusing since I'm so thrilled to have seen my daughter, have these new pictures, and I'm so beat up by the experience too.....not to mention EXHAUSTED).

I am new at this so I hope I am doing all right. I like to hear what you guys say. It helps me to connect with my birthmom somehow. She used CC and they took me from her as soon as she had me. I don't even know if she knows she had a girl. I have 2 children and I can't imagine how it would have felt. I know it was her choice, and she did it because she loved and cared about me enough to let me go. That is the ultimate act of love and most selfless thing I can imagine. That is so much strength to show. And courage. I am afraid that I am much more weak, to do such an unselfish thing. I think that makes her a good mother, because she did what she thought was the best thing she could for her child, no matter how much it hurt her. That is what a true Mom is all about-- sacrifice for your child. I just want all of you beautiful women, Moms, to know that you are the most wonderful, couragious, selfless people I know...to do the right thing for your children no matter how hard it might be for you. THAT is the definition of a "mom" . I am glad that I have a chance to say this to you. It helps me so much. Maybe my mom might see this, too, but even if she never does I just want you all to know how I feel about you and I want to thank all of you for being the wonderful people that you are. Love and happiness to each and every one of you. Sincerely,KCMO1961girl

Dear KCMO1961girl, Thank you so much for what you posted here. It brought tears to my eyes. Soprano

Thank you KCMO girl - that was beautiful. TGM

It's weird, I haven't really had these feelings while around my son and watching him interact with his family. Maybe there's a lot I'm not ready to deal with.

Q - I could be making a lot of assumptions since I don't know what it's like to be on your end, but another explanation could be the whole time thing. When I first witnessed this Cupcake was still a baby....well, ten months old. I hadn't dealt with ANYTHING at that point. I don't think I was really "ready" for it in many ways. I was so excited at the opportunity and I remember walking towards them at the park and thinking, "what the hell am I doing?????"

Or maybe you are simply OK with it. I also think there can be a difference between watching another mother raise your baby/child, and watching the interactions between an already grown child and his parents. I do know some birth mothers struggle even when seeing the child as an adult, but I think for me, it would be harder watching the actual parenting as it was occuring, because I'd want to jump in and co-parent!

I know your son was young when you reunited with him, Quantum. I guess I didn't realize that you had watched his actual interactions with his mom. For some reason, I thought it was his stepmom you've gotten to know.I don't think any of us feel the same exact feelings, even though we've all relinquished children. Nobody is right or wrong in how they feel or what gets under their skin. Simply put, it is what it is...

Well, he was 21 the first time we had a FTF, and that time he met us completely alone. While I was visiting him and his family on his home turf, we stayed with stepmom and dad, but we did meet up with his mom as well. I think JP is right, it would have been different if he was an actual child when I found him (although I wasn't allowed to then, right?). I also feel so weird because my kids are just that, kids, and my son is all grown up and not far off from the ages of my DH's cousins or other friends I have... I've had those 'missing the times' moments, but I've been completley alone when they hit me. And they happened a lot more in the beginning of reunion.

For me those "missing the times" moments have occurred when D's little ones were babies. It becomes like watching him grow up. With D himself, it's fine. Our relationship is such a comfortable one generally, that I don't think about not being around him growing up. I'm just enjoying being adults together if that makes sense. (It helps that he's 37 and I'm 58, I guess.)

I get that Kathy, maybe that's part of the reason why I'm in no rush for him to have kids! That and since my kids are so small I don't have that distance that grandparents usually have, you know what I mean?

I do understand. My three are closer in age and both J & S already had children when I found D. It's really only Z, who is currently 3 who triggers me. It's interesting because according to D's amom Z is the most like his dad in personality and looks.

I don't think it's unusual for the first mother of a grown child in reunion to feel twinges of pain when they are given glimpses into the family's lives. I've heard a LOT of first moms over the years say that they missed their grown kid's childhood moments...and I've heard many say that they had to "steel" themselves when hearing about "mom and dad".I was acutely aware of missing out on DS's childhood when I reunited with him shortly after his eighteenth birthday. But perhaps that had something to do with how often I was a guest in his parents' home. They had always lived in the same house, and there were momentos of his childhood on every wall. Also, he was very immature for an 18-year-old...he acted more like he was 13 or 14. I observed a lot of family moments and interactions during his late teenage years....The other thing...my nephew was born that same year...and I took care of him on a regular basis. I often saw similarities between the two cousins. Sometimes when I witnessed my nephew reaching some milestone, I would wonder how it had been when DS had been that age.

I placed my son as a newborn, reuinited 2 years ago when he was 25. I think of him constantly. I can't move past my pain. The only time I feel relief is when I am with him. I am in therapy and recently joined a birthmother support group. At the time I met my son, that year, both my parents died. One found dead, the other from cancer. It's like all the emotions of the reunion/old stuff from the adoption and the deaths of each of my parents are all hard-wired in my brain. I am trying desperately to get over this but I am so stuck. My son has pulled away from me recently, which is scaring me to death, but I'm giving him space and not contacting him (I was getting too intense I think and didn't even realize it, he doesn't want all my heavy emotional junk). I don't mean to sound so morose, I'm not normally like this and when I have had the opportunity to see him, I keep it light and everything in the present, I'm just sharing my feelings here. I just can't seem to move on with my life, I'm utterly stuck. Then I read on here about all the pain adoptees are suffering, all the anger they feel and I wonder what in God's name I did, I thought I was doing the right thing for my child and it turns out I caused a tremendous amount of life-long pain for both of us. I had no clue. And I am clueless as to how to heal myself and help my son. Nobody outside this exclusive world of adoption understands.