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My parents have always been open about the reasons I was adopted; they had always explained and discussed it in an age-appropriate way, giving me more information as I became an adult. Because they did this, I never felt a need or desire to seek out my birth parents.
Three years ago I "googled" myself and came across a posting from my birth mother. She had done passive posting in the event I (ever) came across it I would know how to contact her.
I chose not to, but sometime ago she found me through my social media page. Since then she has emailed me roughly every six months in an attempt to connect and begin a relationship. I never reply, and although I know they are coming, I still become distressed whenever I receive her emails.
I do not want a relationship with her, but there are some pieces of information that I want to know. How do I tell her that? How do you nicely tell her that? Does anyone else have experience/advice on doing something like this? I have parents, I have a family and I don't want another one so I don't want to contact her under false pretenses, or give her hope that we will continue talking well into the future.
Advice?
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I think you have every right to set the limits of the relationship. Most likely she has thought about you often and just knowing you are alive and well will be somewhat of a relief for her. I think e-mailing her back and stating that you are not ready and may never be ready for a relationship with her, but letting her know that you are "okay" and would appreciate some information from her is appropriate. Just explain to her that although you realize she would like more, it is just not something you are comfortable with. Ask that she respect your feelings and privacy and that you are thankful for her help in answering the questions you have. As adoptees, we do not owe our aparents or bparents anything, we only owe ourselves. Side note, I have reunited with my bparents and have had a good experience, but you have to do what you are comfortable with. Good luck and I hope she respects your wishes.
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I've thought about doing that. My sister found the same posting and made the decision to contact her. She and I don't talk about it (we have our own relationship issues) but I know from my parents that they spoke for about seven months before my sister ceased talking to her. When she emails me, she always mentions this contact with my sister and part of me feels like she is looking to me to make up for that lost connection. I know I shouldn't impose my feelings on her, but she can't assume that just because my sister made contact means that I want to.The whole situation distresses me.
a6tromblygoo
I think you have every right to set the limits of the relationship. Most likely she has thought about you often and just knowing you are alive and well will be somewhat of a relief for her. I think e-mailing her back and stating that you are not ready and may never be ready for a relationship with her, but letting her know that you are "okay" and would appreciate some information from her is appropriate. Just explain to her that although you realize she would like more, it is just not something you are comfortable with. Ask that she respect your feelings and privacy and that you are thankful for her help in answering the questions you have. As adoptees, we do not owe our aparents or bparents anything, we only owe ourselves. Side note, I have reunited with my bparents and have had a good experience, but you have to do what you are comfortable with. Good luck and I hope she respects your wishes.
Dear AnaisNin82,
First of all, welcome to the forums! This is a great group of people from all three sides of the triad. I've made a lot of good friends here in the past few years, and I'm certain you will too.
Second, I LOVE your user name. Anais Nin is one of my favorite authors...
Now to your original post. You have every right in the world to define what, if any, role your birth mother plays in your life. If you don't want a relationship with her, that's okay. You still have the right to ask her for information and family medical history. I'm sure you'll be able to compose an email or letter that is respectful, yet firm in your boundaries.
If you'd like, I'm sure some of the members here would be willing to look it over for you before you send it.
Sure, it will probably hurt for her to read that you don't want a personal relationship with her, but I think it's best to be honest with her.
Hang in there, and once again, welcome!! :loveyou:
I do not want a relationship with her, but there are some pieces of information that I want to know. How do I tell her that? How do you nicely tell her that? Does anyone else have experience/advice on doing something like this? I have parents, I have a family and I don't want another one so I don't want to contact her under false pretenses, or give her hope that we will continue talking well into the future.
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I'm glad I read this thread. I am on the other side of the equation being a birthfather looking for his son that was born in 1982. I didn't know he existed until around 8 months ago, so it's been a very emotional experience for me. I couldn't imagine growing up not knowing who one of my parents were. I wanted to know who he was and whether he was OK, and provide love and support in any way if he desired it. My search based on very little information led me to a young man that kind of fits the bill, but not exactly. My only contact with him has been via emails. I have sent him a lot of information about me and my family with pictures so he can fill in some of the voids that I figured he might have. But he has not responded at all. So I stopped trying to communicate with him back in November thinking if it was him, I wasn't adding any value at this point in his life. After reading this post, I think I made the right decision.
As everyone else has said, there is nothing wrong with setting the boundaries and even kindly letting her know you don't wish to have a relationship. I'm sure it will hurt, but maybe not as much as being ignored and wondering if you'll answer this time. Maybe you can let her know that you've had a good life, and are happy and that will give her some peace of mind. If you need to set further boundaries, you can block people from your social media sites in most cases. Good luck.
Hello. Just curious if the not wanting to communicate with your birth mother feeling is mostly your own or if a lot of it is feeling like you would be betraying your family?
My story is very different than yours so I know we are at different places with reuniting. Since I found out more about my adoption there is a super strong part of me that needs to know everyone is okay. I am okay with my birth story; I have met my birth mother who is severely disabled. Yet there are many people that I am constantly looking for via the web, I have letters drafted to send out trying to find these people, but mostly I hesitate because I do worry that my contact will be unwanted.
I think when you are ready just sending a response back saying you have a great life, arent ready and donҒt know if you ever will be to have a relationship with her. I also think it is okay to ask for information. I think being upfront an honest yet respectful is good. I wish you the best, welcome to this site and good luck!