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Let me start by saying I LOVE our birth mom, and we have an incredibly open adoption. We talk on the phone several times a month, Skype (she lives a ways away), post pictures, email pictures, etc. Our families get together occasionally, and most of the time things are really good.
But I am struggling right now to be patient and compassionate toward her, because after all of that contact (not required by the agreement, by the way), she says she is unhappy because I don't send picture CDs to her!!
I have four very active kids, lots of outside activities, friends, etc. I thought I was being "super adoptive mom" by being so open with her, and providing her "instant" access to her daughter via email and even personal contact when she's in town. But today she is upset with me and telling me how hurt she feels because she doesn't get photo CDs. I'm trying to be sympathetic, here... but all I feel is irritation and a desire to pull back.
I don't think that is the right thing to do. But on my own, I am not summoning up the empathy and compassion for her that I should. It is the third anniversary of our baby's birth, so I KNOW she is really struggling emotionally. This is probably the pain she can "name," if that makes sense.
But I need prayer! I am not doing well with this. Thanks, all.
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I am praying for you. It is always difficult to be told you're not doing enough, especially when you are going above and beyond! I think you are right; she's focusing on the CD's as a way to try to deal with the pain that comes with the anniversary. You might try suggesting that she can make her own CD from the emailed and posted pictures. Point out that she gets more pictures more frequently that way than if she had to wait for a CD. (Then count to 10 - or more, for the next couple weeks until the pain recedes.) It would so nice if we could get over the grief and pain of losing a child to adoption within a year or so... The decision to relinquish was my own and was not coerced in any way. It's been 37 years and I still have times when the pain hits. (Not as hard or for as long as it did the first years, but it is still there.) I know that even knowing all of that, doesn't make it easier for you. Try to remember how much you do love her and pray for her, even as I pray for you. May you both experience the peace of God in your lives, entwined as they are with the life of your beloved child.
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Thank you! It really helps to hear your perspective, and to know you are praying. I know birthmom needs someone to talk to, but her husband (not the father of our little one) thinks she should just let go, so does her family. She won't go to counseling, but I know it would help. I can never really know how she feels, but I understand what you say about 37 years passing and you still get a twinge. Your Psalm 30:5 quote reminded me of this! About 23 years ago, before I was married, I was less courageous than birthmom and I had an abortion. Now I would give anything to have made a different choice! I suppose the world thinks I should be over that, too. And though I've found peace with it as much as is possible, there are times when the regret stings, and the "if onlys" roll in, even to this day.So I guess I'm modifying my prayer request to also add, please pray that birth mom finds a close relationship with Jesus so that she can experience some measure of peace with this, and at least know where to go with the pain when it surfaces.Thanks for praying.Ramona
Ramona, I have found in my own case, and that of many others, the need to experience God's unconditional love. We live in such a judgmental world that it's very diffiuclt to believe that God knows us as we truly are and still loves us and invites us to be his child. Those "if onlys" that we have can really get between us and the love of God. We have trouble believing God loves us so much that "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." I will indeed pray for the bmom, that she may experience the love and the strength of God.
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Sounds like birthmom is looking for something tangible to hold on to since she can't hold the baby.
I'm really glad you are in her life. I had to give back my foster baby after being told he was going to be adopted. His mother has been so awesome to let us still see him every summer for 2-4 weeks (depending on our schedules). I always wondered why he wasn't allowed by God to stay with us.
5 years later, I found out, when mom called and told me the entire family had been saved! :cheer:
Had he not gone home, 5 years of ministry would have never happened.
So try to remember that whenever you get frustrated. Don't enable her or let her manipulate you. But remember God has an ultimate plan for this relationship.
What an inspiring story, mommachelle! And thanks for praying, Christy. Birth mom is doing better, by the way. I've also sent her a couple of recent little girl pictures via email, which made her VERY happy. I do find myself wondering what God has planned here. Today our little one announced happily (after playing in some puddles in the back yard), "Mommy, God made it rain and he did a good job!" Maybe she will have a hand in bringing her whole family to an understanding of how much God loves them, and how real He is? That would be awesome.
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What an inspiring story, mommachelle! And thanks for praying, Christy. Birth mom is doing better, by the way. I've also sent her a couple of recent little girl pictures via email, which made her VERY happy. I do find myself wondering what God has planned here. Today our little one announced happily (after playing in some puddles in the back yard), "Mommy, God made it rain and he did a good job!" Maybe she will have a hand in bringing her whole family to an understanding of how much God loves them, and how real He is? That would be awesome.