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My ds had his first visit with his bm at the beginning of january. he had not seen her for over year. during that time she never sent a card or letter or made any contact-anyway the visit went just ok-she talked alot about her self and her kids and we had to keep steering the conversation back to my ds- but afterwards she asked if we could set up another one in the next few weeks so he could see his siblings (she still has custody of his little brother who we fostered for about 6 months and she got pregnant right after she relinquished my son) Our OA states that she only gets 2 visits a year and i really don't want him having more contact with her than that other than letters or cards-it was confusing for him in the days after-he kept asking if he was still adopted and was he going back to his other mommy-also i am worried that it will just be another a sobfest about herself-sorry if i sound cruel-i do care for her but she is a bit dramatic and has a tendency to manipulate-anyway i told her i would get back to her about the visit-i am torn-he asks about his brother all the time but i am not even sure his bro would remember him and i have no idea what to say to him about the new baby-ahh please help-what should i say to her?
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My first question is does the state of DHW have anything to do with this case still? If so maybe ask them to mediate a visit in that the mom isn't around but the boys could have a visit. Or if not I agree with the other poster ask if you could pick up the brother and have a visit just with him and your son..
i would just tell the birthmom that we have to stick with the regular visits as planned and maybe she can bring the siblings the next scheduled visit. Im unsure if that was her second or first visit for the year but if it was her second visit then she would have to wait for the next year or so to bring his siblings
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I see you've already decided, but did want to share our story. We adopted our 3 last June. Complicated case, but needless to say, they had not seen their bio mom in over 4 years until recently. That being said, they have VERY frequent contact with their half siblings that she is raising. They are 2, 3, and infant. The 2 yr old was with us for the first year of his life. His case was not at all related to our older 3's, so she was never allowed visitation w/ them during his case. He did go home, but after a few weeks, he started coming over about every other weekend. The 3 yr old was living out of country w/ a grandparent, but came back last spring. Late last summer, he also started coming over about every 2-3 weekends. There were weekends we only got the 2 yr old. Now, all 3 come (including new baby). It is complicated but it works for us. Yes, I know bio mom would love to see them more, but our OA agreement allows for only 2 visits per year. She realizes the kids had a close bond to their brother that lived here, and they have developed a close bond w/ the other two as well. As much as I'm sure she wishes she could see them herself, she knows that is not an option right now. I pick up the kids while my husband or a friend watches the other children. I drop them off while someone else is watching them. They honestly don't seem to care that they don't see her, their primary focus is on the siblings. The 2 yr old is just as much at home here as he is with bios. The 3 yr old would occasionally cry when we picked him up, but then would cry when it was time to leave here too. The baby has been coming since around 2 months old. She doesn't seem to mind at all at this age (not quite 6 mos). Again, this type of relationship does NOT work for everyone, but it has for us! I know in some ways bio mom is taking advantage of us, b/c she gets free weekends off, but at the same time, DH and I LOVE having the kids here and my kids LOVE having the kids here (even the 2 that are not bio related). While bio mom and I have pretty frequent contact w/ email and picking up/dropping off, her communication w/ my kids is limited to what I pass along. Again if she could see them everyday, she'd be happy, but that is not what is healthy for the kids, and not reality. Good luck! There is no manual on how to work this open adoption stuff! We all learn on the job!