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I know several of you are aware of my story with my Bmom; some of you not so much. Im really just at my wits end here, and donҒt want to try and summarize 20 years of reunion, so please forgive me for not giving a lot of details.
I really thought things were calming down, life was getting back to normal for me, and Bmom was going to go on as she always had. Things would just go back to pre my reunion with Bdad. After all, its not like she and I have ever had any kind of real relationship; mostly just me reaching out, getting little in return,and her always playing the victim. Up until a couple of years ago, I never missed sending her a MotherҒs Day card, birthday card, or Christmas gift. She cant say the same. After her behavior when I contacted my Bdad, my own education on adoption issues from this sight, and realizing the reality of my Bmom, and my relationship with her, I stopped sending the cards. We rarely if ever talked anyway. What was the point? Basically, after all that had happened over the past years, I was done pretending, not to mention, tired of getting hurt.
Over the past 5 years I have tried to talk to Bmom. I would ask, and she would say she didnҒt want to talk, or start with the It was such a painfulӔ, etc. I mean, geez, what are you supposed to say after that. She always had an excuse for notӔ talking, usually, just too stressed with other things in her life. Everything was more important than our relationship.
Now, she has run out of stressors in her life. She has no responsibilities to anyone or for anything other than herself. The fact that I am no longer pretending that we have any kind of relationship is eating at her. However, she is not willing to take responsibility for her part in this. Basically, she wants me to fix this for her. I cant. Now she is back to soliciting sympathy for herself, mainly with my Baunt, who I am extremely close to and fond of.
With the recent death of my Bgrandmother, it is obvious that everyone is a little stressed and grief stricken. My Baunt, in her own fear and grief, basically wants me to fix my Bmom too, though realistically, she knows and understands I canҒt. My Baunt and I had a 4 hour conversation yesterday about Bmom. I explained myself as best I could. I am not bitter towards my Bmom any more. Angrey somewhat, yes, especially after finding out Bmom is back to dumping her issues on people, who dont need to deal with it right now. Irritated,, at the moment oh, yes, but seriously, you guys have red a lot of my post, I think I have come a long way in accepting my Bmom for who she is. I feel I have forgiven her, accepted hthings for what they are, and am trying to move on.
The things my Baunt told me yesterday were not signs that Bmom wants change, more like, insisting on staying the victim. As a matter of fact, her comments to my aunt, sor of, prove it. Her excuse of the moment: ғI dont want to hurt Shadow anymoere, so IҒm just going to leave her alone. Geez, isnԒt her leaving me aloneӔ for the past 20 years kinda the problem? Well, thats fine, but if thatҒs the case, she needs to stop going to everyone else in the family and asking, Do you think Shadow and I will ever have a relationship?Ӕ Uh, am I missing something here? Well, Im getting a little aggravated at the moment, so I better stop before I become a ғbitter person and spend my life miserable and unhappy. Sheesh, what do they want me to do here? I asked, but Baunt had no suggestions other than what if I just drove the 4 hours to BmomԒs house, showed up on her door step, and forced her to talk. Uh, yeah, that would work, and what exactly was I supposed to say to her? I got no reply to that question either. (sorry starting to vent)
Basically, I cant help my Bmom deal with her issues. She as to deal with them herself. Until she does, a relationship is impossible, and I cannot pretend for her anymore. I could pick up the phone and call her to initiate things, but think it would do no good, because I believe what she wants is for me to tell her itҒs alright, and go back to pretending. Thats not fair to either of us. I, honestly, do not think she is capable of anymore than she has given me in the past. In the end, I think, me calling her, would just make things worse, not to mention, I hav no clue as to what to say to her at the moment other than, ғGROW UP!. After all the times I tried to get her to "talk", getting smacked down and punished for it, I don't feel it's my responsibility to initiate another "talk". If Bmom truly want's things to be better, shouldn't she have the, uh, balls, so to speak, to pick up the phone and do the initiating this time?
I told my Baunt about the book, ԓThe Girls Who Went Away, so she could tell my Bmom. You guys have mentioned it so much, I thought she might read it and find something to help her. I've thought about sendingit to her many times, but not having read it didn't know if I should. Do you know of any other books I could suggest? I suggested counseling, but canԒt force that one. I cant make her face her issues in regards to me, and I canҒt spend the rest of my life carrying her burden. I dont know what else to do. I canҒt fix this without her help, and she doesnt seem to want to help. My Baunt and I are fine, and she feels better about Bmom and me after our talk. I told her this was up to my Bmom. I could not fix this and neither could Baunt. Bmom needed to face her issues, decide what kind of relationship, if any, she wanted. I was fine if friends/acquaintances was all she could give, or if she wanted more, we could work that out to. However, she canҒt have it both ways. Im either her daughter 100% of the time, to everyone, or IҒm just Shadow, a whatever 100% of the time. Its up to Bmom though. Until she deals with her own issues, and makes up her mind, I donҒt see where there is anything I can do. Any suggestions or perspective I might have missed?
Help! I am just clueless as to what to do anymore about this situation.
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Raven, thank you for responding. I was hoping you and Kathy would give me your perspectives. I havenn't read the GWWA because the library for the blind doesn't have it, nor do they have any other helpful books on adoption. I've requested several of the books, but time will tell. Believe me, thanks to all you guys, I really do understand my Bmom's issues, as much as anyone person, who has never been in a Bmom's shoes, can understand. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do about her issues. I've been down that road with her time and again. Iget that it was painful, and she has wounds. I get that she did the only thing she felt she could at the time. Bmom is the one struggling with it, and I don't know how I can help her, not to mention, I don't feel it is really my job to make her face her issues. She has had 20 years to build a relationship with me, and has chosen not to do so.
I think my Bmom would like a relationship as long as she doesn't have to put any effort into it. I don't think she knows how to have a healthy relationship with anyone, much less me. As my aunt and I were talking, she kept talking about how Bmom was in pain, and afraid of rejection, and that thing about causing me pain. I stopped her and asked if she was hearing what she was saying. . She had started the conversation accusing me of still being angry and holding a grudge., which had something to do with some of my family being concerned because apparently, I wasn't being as socialable as a few of them thought I should at my grandmother's memorial service. It couldn't be because I was grieving the loss of my grandmother? It couldn't be that socializing when you know no one, and can't see them anyway, might be a little intimidating? I admit the situation with my Bmom didn't make the event anymore comfortable, but seriously, my "stowic, prim, and proper" behavior was all about my anger and grudge at Bmom? I was dumbfounded at that assumption. This wasn't about me holding agrudge and being angry. Everything she was talking about was about Bmom, and that's how it has always been.
When I pointed that out, my aunt realized I was right, but she started back with how Bmom and I have hurt each other. I stopped her again, and asked her what I have done that had hurt Bmom. She couldn't answer that. She had to sit there and give it some thought, before she finally came up with my lack of response to last year's letter and birthday note. Bmom felt I was rejecting her by not responding. I knew that's why she wrote the letter instead of calling. She was afraid of facing me. Writing a letter would put it on me and make it my responsibility.
I told my aunt I didn't respond because I didn't know how to respond, which is the truth. Those letters were not about me, our relationship, reconciling the situation ,making amends, an appology for hurting me, or even an acknowledgement that she had. Those letters were about her, her issues, and that, and I'll give her this, she at least recognized she had issues and had handled things poorly. Those letters, also, only came after aunt, sister, and cuz, sat her down and "explained" things to her. How was I supposed to respond? She left me nothing in those letters to respond to.
Maybe I should have rsponded somehow, but I knew from those letters it would just be more of the same conversations whe have had for years. Bmom would feel less guilty for a while,and I would just get more angry. This has to stop. If, after 20 years of me never doing anything to hurt my Bmom, after all she has done to hurt me, Bmom is so terrified of being rejected/hurt that she cannot muster the courage to pick up the phone and "ask" me to talk, do you think she could really handle hearing my true feelings? If she hasn't been capable of facing and dealing with this stuff for 45 years, what makes anyone think she is capable of it now? Would not the best and kindest thing for both of us to do at this point be just say we are friends, act like acquaintances as she has for the past 20 years, not speak of it again, move on with our lives, and let it go?
I think I can do that, and stop getting angry, if Bmom will just stop with this "poor Me" stuff. I don't feel I'm the one who can't let this go. Bmom is the one who keeps fueling the fire. I'm just soooo tired of dealing with this, coming to some sort of resolution for myself, and then Bmom starting up again. Why can't we just get on with our lives? I know that saying it's one way or the other, daughter or friend, takes away her ability to ease her guilt, but after all this time, she owes me that much respect. (ha, yes, I said "owes") Again, I respect you guys opinions, what do you think?
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Hiya Shadow,
I'm sorry that your relationship with your birthmom is like this. You had a lot of valid and healthy points though, her issues, her problems, she's the one not willing to budge.
I'm really glad that you aren't blaming yourself for this.
One thing I'm wondering, what do you really want? You say what you can handle...but what do you really want?
If this was an ideal world and everything.
I'm curious about that!
I guess I'm feeling like she does have a lot of work to do, but because it seems like she's not willng to or can't for some reason (and I think you're right in feeling like it's not YOUR issue to FIX her!), I think you need to think about what you want and/or need and how to acheive that?
I'm going through that right now kind of with my parents. :-)
My last few visits home have been hellacious, but I want them to have a relationship with my children, and want to see my brother and his family as well...and it's not that I hate my parents,or even dislike them, but I MUST figure out a way to make our visits better so that I don't explode.
(((shadow)))
Thank you for understanding Q. I know what you are saying about those visits. If it were a perfect world, I would want her to be like you guys. Because it isn't a perfect world, I'm willing to settle. What I want at the moment is for her to show me she really does want a better relationship. The only way she can do that is to make the effort to initiate a reconciliation. If she can do that then there is still hope that she and I can have a better, closer relationship in time. I'm willing to put more work into my own issues and try to move past this. If she isn't the one to initiate a reconciliation, and I, once again, have to be the responsible, mature, and my aunt actually said this "stronger" one, then it kills all hope, for me, that we can ever be anything more than we have been for the past 20 years, minus me pretending for her.
If I have to be the one to resolve this, all we can ever be is casual friends, and Bmom will have to accept that, and just deal. She will have to stop putting this on others, or at least, they will have to stop bringing it up to me. It's too painful for me, and it's too painful for her. At the moment, I see no other choice for either of us. We can't keep on like we have. I don't want to give up on Bmom. I want to give her the chance to step up to the plate, and it has to be of her own free will. If she can't, I know I will get the blame, a lot of people, though they may understand, wont like it, but I am fully prepared to take all the responsibility for this situation if that's what it takes to make this stop.
If I have to do that, it will be on my terms. I'm trying not to do that, but I'm starting to feel forced. I have no intension of doing this back and forth, hot and cold, keep everybody happy, thing for the rest of my or her life. I'm going to get the blame no matter what I do, if Bmom doesn't step up.
We have another family event in July, I don't want to dread going because of Bmom. I don't want to get ambushed when I get there by Bmom with more drama and crap at an event which should be fun, because she will be surrounded by an audience. I don't want her sitting back in the corner sulking, playing the marter, making everyone feel sorry for her, and then expecting me to fix her, but not completely turn the event into some big drama, meaning I should make Bmom feel all better about herself at the expense of my own feelings. I mostly don't want everyone walking on eggshells all weekend because of me and Bmom, or whispering to each other behind my back, or for that matter, right in front of me. Heck, I'm blind. 99% of the time I don't know what the heck is going on around me to begin with, though people expect me to know just like any sighted person would know. You ever tried watching a movie with no picture...welcome to my world. Sorry you guys...just venting a little, and this whole little incedent has made me feel really ambushed by my aunt, thanks to Bmom. I know that being blind sometimes makes people uncomfortable around me, and they don't understand what it's like, but this deal just really surprised me. I had no idea that anyone even paid any attention to what I was doing, or not doing. No one said a word to me. They just assumed, and it makes me wonder who had the issue and why. Anyway, that's my issue, back to the original subject. Thanks for listening and letting me get it out...uh, like you could stop me from typing? lol
Shadow,I wrote Ann Fessler early this morning to see if she had any plans to release The Girls Who Went Away in audiobook format. I've already heard back from her, and she says there is no plan right now for any other formats than the printed books.However, she did tell me that it's fine if I want to tape it myself and send it on to you. Do you think you could stand listening to my voice, lol?? The other option is to type each chapter up and send it on to you via email. She okayed that too. Which method would you prefer?Hugs to you, my friend... :loveyou:
[Oh, Raven, Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now, I'm going to cry. lol Listening to your voice would be a priviledge. Audio is the easiest. I have numerous cassette players and CD as well, or typing, so whatever is easiest for you works for me.
I don't know how I would have gotten through all this without your support, and help.
Love you too.
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(((Shadow)))
Like Raven, I had to go away awhile to think about what to say to you.
The one thing I've learned at this site and others is that everyone brings different life experiences to a reunion, and that it often falls short of expectations. From a "firstmom of a closed adoption" point of view, there was alot of psychological suppression/deception/manipulation done to me that I'm just now identifying and starting to deal with. I want more than my daughter is willing to share with me. She has cut me off multiple times in our 11 years knowing each other... the longest was for 14 months. Each time, I had to think hard about whether it was worth it to keep trying with her. I obviously decided to keep at it. But each of us need to decide that for ourselves. It sounds like you've thought really hard about this. And no one can decide the right decision for you except you. I know, sounds a little like a cop-out, huh? But along with that is the knowledge that you don't have ANYTHING to feel bad about. Maybe a break would help your bmom to realize what she has to lose. Or maybe she's so damaged that she has nothing to give you.
I like the idea of you "reading" GWWA, just from the aspect of gleaning some of what birthmoms were up against. I think it would help you to heal, as this has obviously been a rough journey for you. I know what you mean about family gatherings (mine's my sister). You have to decide whether it's worth the pain/aggravation/confrontation in order to see everyone else.
I don't have any other advice for you but to keep your head held high! BTW, Raven, if you want help with the audio tapes, I would be willing to read some chapters as well...
Hang in there, Shadow!:grouphug:
Soprano
Shadow,
We're in business, girl. I just borrowed a headphone/mic set from my techie neighbor, since I can't seem to find mine! I've got a digital recorder, which I can then upload to my computer's CD drive. LOL, I hope I don't do too much commentary while I'm reading!!
You know, Shadow, some moms just sustained too much damage back in those years to ever recover. It's not your job to fix her, and I'm not sure that she'll ever be able to get to the place where she wants to heal. Society did a good job on us, and a lot of us live in the shadows. After years of hiding from ourselves, it can become really difficult to even be in touch with our own feelings. I have a suspicion your mother may be numbed out to her own feelings...and that's why it's difficult for her to talk to you about what happened.
I've been there, Shadow...
Dear Shadow, I'm so sorry you must continue to go through this. I do have a couple thoughts. One suggest to your baunt that she simply say to your bmom that the problem is hers to deal with and no one else's. If your bfamily would refuse to listen to her self-vicitmization, she will have to find something else to talk about or at least a new audience! You might remind your baunt that when you are blind it's not the easiest to seem open and welcoming when you can't see who's there! Is it also possible that others at the funeral was in the midst of their own grief and pain and not as able to reach out to you either? A recommendation for you would be to read Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. She has written a number of books that I find helpful in dealing with difficult relationships. It's available from Amazon in audiocassette. I truly worked through a lot of the issues about how adoption effected me and yet reunion brought up a lot of "stuff." The difference is I have never expected anyone else to "heal" me certainly not my bson! I suppose that where there's life there's hope. There's always a possiblity that she will change (not talking probabilities here!). In the meantime, you can only control your own behavior, not hers. You could always write her a letter, telling her exactly what your told your baunt (in your first post).
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You guys are too much. Im really not very good at expressing myself when IҒm on the receiving end of such kindness and compassion. Give me a good fight and I can say plenty, but well, you guys have really touched my heart. Thank you. I told Raven this once, and I want to tell all of you now. You guys have been for me what my Bmom couldnt be. IҒm not sure I could have come this far if you hadnt been there to help. IҒve wanted to read GWWA for a long time. I know reading it wont be easy for you guys. Well, it means a lot that you would do that for me.
Thank you Soprano. I think that break, which started when I stopped sending the cards, was exactly what has gotten her attention. She just cant get past her own fears. It makes me really sad for her, but I know I canҒt do anything about her issues. Im not going to let her come between me and the rest of my family either. ThatҒs why I want to make sure Ive thought this through before I set any boundaries.
Kathy, I think this did have a lot more to do with others grief. IҒm always the strong one. My Bsis calls me her rockӔ. For the first time in my life, I wasnt going to be everyoneҒs rockӔ. I was going to take care of me, and my grief. They were all on their own. I think it scared the heck out of them. Its almost like if Shadow isnҒt fineӔ then something must really be wrong. The rest of us should be afraid, very afraid. They just dont know how to deal with it. Know what I mean? ItҒs that way in my Afam too. Apparently some people find me a bit intimidating, which Ive been told isnҒt a bad thing, unless youre the one intimidated?
I definitely think my aunt was at her breaking point, and just venting her own stuff onto me. Her fear isnҒt so much for me as Bmoms becoming the bitter miserable person, which she has a great headstart on. I kept repeating to her that she couldnҒt fix this, or Bmom, anymore than I could. It took a lot of repeats to get her to really hearӔ me. Ive had this same talk with my Bsis a year ago. Bmom kept trying to put my sis in the middle. I finally told her she needed to tell Bmom to stop dumping on her. I didnҒt want sis in the middle. It wasnt fair to her. This was between Bmom and I. We had to work this out. Sis finally got her fill and blew on Bmom. I donҒt really know if I have a right to tell aunt she needs to stop letting Bmom dump on her. I feel it would be over stepping my bounds just a hair with aunt. She knows this is Bmoms issue. Logically she knows I canҒt fix this. She even got the blind thing without me telling her. I think the grief and stress of the past several months, her being the executor of the will, and the usual family issues that occur when someone dies, just came out on me. I wasnt expecting it, but the ғrock can take it. Lol IԒve intentionally avoided talking about Bmom with anyone, so as to keep them out of the middle. This definitely wasnt the time to tell aunt how to deal with her sister. I made my point very clear, that Bmom had to deal with her issues about this, and I couldnҒt make her do that. I think my aunt got it as she talked her way through and past feeling sorry for Bmom. How many times in one conversation can you say You canӒt fix this.? A bunch. If I didnԒt know better, Id say this whole people pleasing, fixing everyoneҒs problems thing is genetic. Must be where I get it? lol
Knowing what I know about how it was for Bmom back in the 60s, Bmoms being told to ғget over it, ԓdeal with it, ԓmove on, and ԓlet it go. well, if I have to be the responsible one and resolve this situation, isnԒt that what Im goint to have to tell her? Coming from the adoptee that youҒve treated like crap for 20 years, I dont know? Not a fun position for me to be in , and, frankly, not very fair either. Then again, when has my life ever been fair? Ha, when I come face to face with God, weҒre gonna have a serious talk about all this crap. lol
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Oh Shadow,I picture the convo between you and God to be highly entertaining LOL. I personally believe that the hardships and "not fair" moments in life are there to teach us something or shape our character in different ways. Maybe all of this crap with your bmom is there to help you overcome the "people pleaser" and be your own rock lol.As to the rest of your deal with your bmom, I really don't have any help. Just lots of hugs, prayers, support, and a listening ear (which means open PM box LOL) if you need to vent.I <3 you Shadow! You are always so understanding and I never feel like terrible adoptee/person after I talk to you. You have a way of making me feel good about myself and I'm here to offer the same to you!
Hugs right back at you Freak. You are too sweet, and you just made my day. Thank you.
God never gives us more than we can handle. I'm thinking he knows I can handle this, just keeping his fingers crossed that I do it right? Well, me too. lol As far as teaching lessons, and building character, well, I agree. You can never learn too many lessons, IMO, but sheesh! I know I'm not perfect, but how much freakin more work does God think my character needs? My theme song, written by Billy Joe Shaver, "I'm Just an Old Chunk of Coal, but I"m gonna be a Diamond Someday". How much longer ya think it will take? lol
...and ya know, I'm not really too concerned with any rewards in heaven, I'll just be happy to be there, but an explination and answer to my questions? Well, IMO, that's not asking for too much, and don't see why I don't deserve that for my efforts down here, even if I do fail on occasion. lol Hmmm...sounds kinda like the adoptee in me coming out, doesn't it? lol I'm just trying to do the best I can with what he gave me to work with. I wouldn't object to God pitching in some devine intervention. hint hint