Someone please help me

Just start from the beginning.... you were scared etc, and then update them on what's going on in your life. I think you will find more than enough people here who will help you edit it. Taking the plunge is hard, but can be definately worth it.

I can totally relate. I had a very hard time writing letters for the longest time. I did do some letters when I was planning to place my son, and then sent him a letter after he was born and also a letter to his parents. Then I didn't write another letter until he was around 8 or 9 years old. The letters have gotten easier to write over the years (he's grown now), but sometimes are still very hard to get started. First off: You are not a coward. These letters are very hard to write. I've spoken to many first mothers over the years and every one of them has had similar feelings about writing letters. I think a big dilemma is there are just so many conflicting feelings, and you don't want to talk about the negative things like your pain and loss, but then again, you don't want to come off like everything is perfectly OK if that is not your experience. For instance, I was always afraid to say, how, even though I was happy for my son and all he gained, I was still missing him terribly and grieving. I didn't want to "dump" my emotional stuff onto him or his family. OTOH, I would be afraid to say anything good in my life sometimes, thinking he would be upset that if I said I traveled or was going back to school, he might feel I just "gave him up" so I could skip off on my merry way and that it would be viewed as "selfish" of me. The other issue I think many birth mothers face is being afraid to say the wrong thing, or something that might be misconstrued as the wrong thing. I often felt I was needing to walk on eggshells for fear that if I said anything potentially wrong or upsetting (or even something that brought up triggers or strong feelings) my son's parents would shut me out. The truth is, no matter how wonderful they are (and they are!), they had all the power in the relationship. That power differential makes it very difficult to be yourself sometimes and say exactly how you REALLY feel! You also don't want to put a lot of heavy stuff on your child, because that is a lot for them to absorb. So, given all that, is it any wonder that you are having a hard time with this?? I would encourage you not to give up, though. Take it in baby steps. Maybe you could brainstorm some ideas for what you want to tell your son and/or his family. Jot down some notes or topics you would like to touch on. Maybe for now, rather than considering a big long letter encompassing the last 11 years, you could just send a shorter note with an updated photo, maybe an updated medical history, give them a few details about yourself, ask how they are doing and how your son is doing in school and such, and let them know you would like very much to re-establish communication. You can say you are working on a longer letter, but not quite there yet. I would be happy to look at any draft you come up with and give you some feedback on it. You can PM me if you like.

Thank you ladies so much. Justpeachy, you have exactly described how I feel. I'm terrified that they will tell me to get lost, or that just writing them a letter will hurt them. But the sadness is building in me and I just have to do something. 11 years and it still hurts as bad as they day I said goodbye. I don't want to disrupt their lives, and I don't want to interfere in his. I feel selfish for wanting any contact at all. I feel that the day I signed the papers I gave up all rights to him. But it hurts, and I can't let it go anymore. I'm just so afraid. THank you for your advice, thank you for taking the time to read my post. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one.

Dear Mel, I am an amom who has lost contact with her children's bmom. Write the letter! It doesn't even matter so much what you say. Just reestablish contact. They are probably wondering what happened to you. Your son is probably asking questions that his mom can't answer. Write the letter. You don't have to say any more than you've said here. Good Luck, let us know how it goes, Saj

Hi Mel, I'm a mom through adoption. I can't tell you how your son's parents will respond to a letter - each family if different. But I can tell you that we don't have any contact with our daughter's birthmom right now, and if we got a letter from her we would be THRILLED. It would truly be a dream come true. Yes, it might complicate things in some ways, but it would be an amazing gift for our daughter. I wish you peace no matter how you decide to move forward.

I can tell you that I was very disappointed when our son's birthmom chose a closed adoption. The hospital social worker, the agency social worker and the lawyer tried to convince her to have at least a semi open adoption with us for 3 days but she refused. I was heartbroken for my son. 8 months later she had the courage to reach out to me and ask for pictures and letters. I about fainted when I heard from her because I was so happy. I've been sending her pictures and letters ever since. I hope you reach out to your child's parents and that they are happy to hear from you too.

I'm an adoptive mom and my daughter's birthmother chose a closed adoption. But in every single letter I send (twice a year, the agency keeps them until she wants them) I always tell her "it doesn't matter how much time has passed, we will always want to hear from you". I thought maybe you would want to know that many aparents would be absolutely thrilled to hear from their child's birthparent. Take some deep breaths, and just write a brief letter. You don't have to write this big, dramatic letter pouring out your soul. Just tell them that you'd be interested in exchanging letters, hope they and your son are doing well, and give them your contact info. Just open the door a little and see if they walk through. I would run through :)

Mel, Please don't be afraid to write your letter. I can't guarantee you a positive outcome, but the mere writing of the letter may be extremely therapeutic for you. That in itself makes it worth it. As an adoptee, I would kill for a letter from one of my birth parents. It can be torture not to know how your birth parents feel about you, or even who they are. :wings: