Advertisements
Advertisements
I adopted my now ten year old daughter five years ago. I knew the birth family and since she was older, I felt it was important for her to continue a relationship with her birth family. She continues to have several visits a year, occasional phone calls and gets cards and letters around holidays. They would like to have more visits and contact, but I'm a working mom with two other children still at home and we are very busy. I just don't feel like I can fit anything more in my schedule.
Anyways, this past week, the bmom and aunt visited my daughter at her school - talking to her during recess through the fence. The teacher said she noticed, but didn't pay close attention and thought it was me when my daughter said she was talking to her mom and aunt. My daughter asked them to sign in at the office, but they told her not to tell anyone they visited because they might get in trouble. Well, another bfamily member found out and told me about it. She didn't like them going behind my back or asking my daughter to not say anything.
I'm very upset that they did this. I do not allow unsupervised visits and I feel they should have known better than to try and talk to her. I've explained the circumstances to the school and asked that they not be allowed to visit. The school called me today at work to tell me that the baunt was in the office trying to leave treats for my daughters class. I asked them to turn her away because I am not comfortable with the manner she went about this. Any suggestions on how to handle this?
Like
Share
If my children's bfamily did that, I'd immediately stop all visits. It's not appropriate to visit without permission, and to ask a child to keep a secret is very troubling. If it were me, I'd stop all contact with the child until we had a "come to Jesus" meeting.
Like
Share
Advertisements
I wonder what their reasoning is behind their actions. Since they have a good amount of openness, I wonder why they would sneak around behind your back to see her. I find it creepy.
I would call the BioM and ask her what she thinks she is doing because I would want an explanation. After I got the explanation, I would then cease visits and make sure she understands that she put your DD in a position of lying to not only you, but other people in order to keep a secret and this is not how your are raising your daughter. Make sure she understands that she has made the choice to put your daughter into an unacceptable position by her actions. Now, it's back to square one and you have to start all over with developing a level of openness you are comfortable with.
Like
Share
vegaschristina
If my children's bfamily did that, I'd immediately stop all visits. It's not appropriate to visit without permission, and to ask a child to keep a secret is very troubling. If it were me, I'd stop all contact with the child until we had a "come to Jesus" meeting.
I totally agree. It is NEVER appropriate to encourage a child to lie to parents or teachers. I wonder if they were setting up a situation where they could take her out of school -- without your knowledge.
I would get a restraining order against them and cut off all contact. Make sure the school has copies of the order. I would also change phone numbers and put call ID and call block on the new phone. Where the safety of a child is concerned, I am not Ms. Nice Guy!
Like
Share
I agree with everyone here. You should cut off contact. If they are going this far behind your back then you can't trust them. They shouldn't be anywhere near the school. The teachers should have been more concerned.
Like
Share
Cutting off all visits was my first gut response, but I feel that my daughter would be hurt in the process. I think they did this because I hadn't set up a visit for several months. I work full time as a teacher and I'm taking classes in the evenings to keep my teaching certificate up-to-date. So, while I had talked to the great grandma a few times, I hadn't given anything definite about arranging a visit, as I've been very busy.
I don't think they were attempting to take her, but I will let them know that any further attempts to contact her will result in a restraining order. I think I should just set up specific dates in advance for visits, provide them with the meeting place and times, then stick with that schedule. That way the visits can occur during less hectic times of the year and not around holidays, which are already challenging enough.
It's nice to hear from others who have open adoption plans that actually include visits with birth family. I thought I was the only crazy one who did this because I haven't known anyone else who allowed visits after adoption. I do it because I was a child of divorce and did not have any contact with my birth father until I was an adult and I still have half siblings I've never met, but have always wondered about. I didn't want my daughter going through life wondering about her birth family.
Like
Share
Advertisements
You will have to contact them. I wouldn't really care why they did it nor ask. I would tell them that NEVER will they have unsupervised or unplanned visits. NEVER, and until I feel things are back on track it is letters only.
I would let her know that she has damaged this relationship by encouraging her child to lie, sneaking around, and not following the guidelines.
Stopping visits does not have to be forever. She does need to know that this was wrong and until trust can be back in the picture, things are on hold. Even if my own parents did something like that I would be livid. (they wouldn't, just saying)
Like
Share
I'm dealing with birthfamily drama at the moment too, with our 16 year old son... if you do a search you can see how we've handled things as I have a thread on here somewhere.
The first thing I'd do though, is get a court injunction to block all contact from the birth family. What they are doing is essentially stalking, and they have absolutely no legal right to your daughter. They are strangers with no ties to her in any way, from a legal stance, and are treated as such by the law. My attorney told me flat out if the bfamily doesn't play by the rules that my husband and I set, we have every right to do this.
Once the injunction is in place, if you opt to do so, you could do mediation of some type to work with the bfamily. Our agency, even years post-adoption can offer services to the birth family to address behaviors like this if they are open to it... PA has an increasing number of kids aging out so they have programs in place to work on connections between teens and bio parents and that's something we could tap into if needed even though our son is adopted. We also have regular meetings with the bio mom scheduled, in which both of us, plus T's family based mental health therapists are there, and they have been fantastic in helping to keep tensions down and conversation moving in a manner healthiest for our son. So if you don't have FBMHS, I'd strongly recommend getting that in place.
Like
Share
kidsandcatsrme,
Before you go through all the legal stuff, please talk to them. Real open adoption is about relationship and that's hard to build with a PPO. They might not know how seriously you take this, or they they are endangering all contact. Some open, honest communication could go a long way.
Like
Share
Kidsand catsmom, you have a very loving, caring attitude towards this and I know your children will flourish with you.
Like
Share
Advertisements
Thanks again for all the support. Its great to read about others with the same issues. I'm planning on talking to the great grandma today in person, without my daughter present. She has always been my contact person and has always honored my requests, so I'll have her set up a meeting with just the bfamily, again without my daughter, so I can be very clear and set some groundrules. If a face to face talk can't resolve the issues, then I would have to go the legal route, but I've been working very well with the bfamily for five years and this is the first time there's been a problem, so I really feel that they'll follow through on my requests to stop contacting my daughter and stick to the prearranged visits only.
Like
Share
I think you did the right thing in this situation and if it were to keep happening i would have to talk to them and let them know they cant be going to your daughters school doing this behind your back and i would also let the school know if they come back up there to call the police on them
kidsandcatsrme
I adopted my now ten year old daughter five years ago. I knew the birth family and since she was older, I felt it was important for her to continue a relationship with her birth family. She continues to have several visits a year, occasional phone calls and gets cards and letters around holidays. They would like to have more visits and contact, but I'm a working mom with two other children still at home and we are very busy. I just don't feel like I can fit anything more in my schedule.
Anyways, this past week, the bmom and aunt visited my daughter at her school - talking to her during recess through the fence. The teacher said she noticed, but didn't pay close attention and thought it was me when my daughter said she was talking to her mom and aunt. My daughter asked them to sign in at the office, but they told her not to tell anyone they visited because they might get in trouble. Well, another bfamily member found out and told me about it. She didn't like them going behind my back or asking my daughter to not say anything.
I'm very upset that they did this. I do not allow unsupervised visits and I feel they should have known better than to try and talk to her. I've explained the circumstances to the school and asked that they not be allowed to visit. The school called me today at work to tell me that the baunt was in the office trying to leave treats for my daughters class. I asked them to turn her away because I am not comfortable with the manner she went about this. Any suggestions on how to handle this?
Like
Share