Did you drop the L word to your son or daughter on the first meeting or discussion?

great thread and I agree, I do feel its different for a birth mom and a person who was adopted. AS a mother you don't forget, as the child you don't have a clue! exactly.

And its ok we didn't have a clue, we should't have a clue until we are ready to process what it means to us and how it impact our lives, how the adult feelings impact our lives. AND how those feelings of our bmoms, amoms and last but not least our feelings ANDwhatwearesuppose to do with all of this...THATS why some of us may have difficulty with bmoms mentioning the Lword. WE were plopped ina nother family, brought up with another mother but...know that we came from someone else..we want to know but don't have a clue on how we might feel about the other mother because we have no clue on how WE ARE SUPPOSE TO FEEL.

Searching...my bmom said it the first time we talked, and she told me she didn't expect me to feel the same. As others have said, I think she needed to be able to tell me in case it was her only opportunity. I'm sure she understands.

I can't remember now if I told my son I loved him in our first telephone conversation. I know I told him in letters during his teen years that I had always loved him and always would...but I can't remember the first phone call very well. (I had so much adrenalin pumping during the call, and I was trying hard not to hyperventilate, lol.) Several months after my son and I reunited face-to-face, I moved back to my hometown, so we could establish a more solid foundation in our relationship. I have a sneaking suspicion that he felt a bit uncomfortable at first when I told him I loved him. It took him a while before he was able to say the same words back to me...and that was perfectly okay with me. I knew that he had no conscious memories of me, while I did have memories of him. Fast-forward 20 years....he feels completely comfortable with saying he loves me now. But we have twenty years of shared mutual memories and experiences. He knows without a doubt that I genuinely love him...and that knowledge brings me a lot of joy. These things take time... :loveyou:

I honestly don't know when I used the "L" word when talking to D. When I have said it, he's responded "I know" (That's how his half-sister used to respond when she was little and I would tell her I loved her.) It's usually as we are hugging goodbye after we've been together. I don't think he's ever said the word love to me, but our relationship is a caring one and I'm not worried about words.

If I spell things here in correctly please forgive me I was crying while reading and now can barely see, she just caught me off gaurd with it and to me I dont know her yet I cant say it yet or know if I will ever be able to, Since that first time we talked we have been chatting every day here and there and it seems to be going good but I cant help but keep my wall up a bit ya know I am trying not to but I feel I need to.

Totally understand. Need to let things in as you can tolerate. Enjoy the chatting, get to know each other and try not to put to much pressure on you and how you relate to her. If you feel uncomfortable..its ok.

My dear, it's so ok. Take your time; aim for a lifelong reunion.

Twenty years ago I told my daughter I had always loved her in our first conversation. I had not thought about what I might say when she found me and just blurted out what I wanted to say. I had no expectation that she would say it back at all! It was just the first opportunity I'd had in such a long time. Much later I realized it may have been a shock to her. It was just so present with me at the time I had to say it.

((((Searching)))) I think what everyone is trying to say to you is that don't feel bad for not being able to say it back. More than likely your birth mother did not expect it! She just needed to say it so you knew. :-) That's all, no pressure... I know it's weird. These relationships we have with our grown kids are surreal at best! I know it freaked me out when I realised that my son WANTS me to take the mom role in some things? Here I am thinking 'he's a grown man, let's approach this on that level' and then he is saying 'can you book my plane ticket for me?' LOL!

Quatum, Thats funny about your son...wondering if its not only a mother/child thing but maybe a male thing. You know those little details are difficult. Its also very nice to hear how a bmom just needs to blurt it out. I so understand that being a mom myself. Its also very nice to hear how many bmoms don't expect the sentimant back, because it is a very difficult thing for an adoptee. To hear that its ok not to be expected to say or even feel it back takes a boatload of pressure off.

Searching, it's OK. You don't have to say it right now or even ever, if that's not how you feel. And I think it's better to have a bit of a wall up and protect your feelings in the beginning. Reunion makes everyone VERY vulnerable, and it is not easy, so be good to yourself and try not to put undue pressure on yourself to feel things that just aren't there. There's really nothing wrong with you! I think dpen said it best. I think this is true in all families. I don't think the kids realize how much their mothers love them or really feel for them as strongly as they do for their children. I think for most people, after they've had kids of their own, they finally "get" how a mother feels about her children, but I still don't think that makes them feel the same for their own mom, in most cases. I've had my son and love him to pieces, but still don't feel the same thing for my mom, you know? It's just a different bond and so hard to explain. I hope I didn't make you feel badly in my response. I just wanted to illustrate why your mom feels the way she does, but that doesn't mean you have to feel that same way or even be comfortable with it. It's naturally going to feel different for you. Your mom has a conscious memory of you, while you don't have the same of her, and also not having been in her life all these years, she is in many ways a stranger to you. So just take your time with this and don't think you have to feel the same way as your birth mother. I think if she's like most birth mothers I know, she will understand.

So true peachy....I am dealing with teens and if I had a nickle for everytime I said they don't have a clue. Thought back to when I was that age and really I had NO clue as to what my actions would do to my mother. No matter how often I say to them "its because I love you" and I get the rolled eyes... In terms of an adoptee/bmom reunion I think for me the confusion stemmed out of fear. Fear that my feelings or lack of feelings would hurt her/ hurtmom/..just not "be right" that scared me into silence.

One thing to remember. Me, as an bmom, I have loved my daughter since before she was born, before I even laid eyes on her. My daughter does not know I exist but when she does she will need time to develop the same love I have for her. Your child won't automatically feel the same as you, depending on the situation, other emotions will arise like why did I give her up, why didn't they tell her, its a lot of different emotions to deal with, especially if they were never told as a child. I would let her know that I have ALWAYS loved her and there is no wrong answer for what she should say and I would not expect her to say anything

Its been a long time since I have posted anything but after learning more about her from her familly and my brothers lets just say its been one hell of a ride so far. Not to mention she has told me to "get over it" and that I "dont need to be emotional" ect ect there are too many little comments here and there that she has made. To me I dont see how I as the adoptee can just have "love" for her especially after how she has treated me so far. To update she keeps telling me that she loves me almost like she figures she will just wear me down or something. (sigh) There are times I feel like I opened up Pandoras box and sometimes I feel like I wish I hadnt. Thank you for all your kind comments It helps while I am going through this rough time.