Open Adoption With Visits

I know exactly what you mean by fostercare mode!!! I found a therapist for the kids and she is willing to sit down with the birth family and my DH and I without the kids to discuss boundaries and our position about visits. My suggestion would be that you do the same. Sometimes doing what is right for your child means ticking some people off!

I will agree with the previous poster who said that foster care open adoptions are completely different than infant adoptions. The first thing question is, will the child relive trauma they inflicted? (I would never ever have visits if there was sexual abuse) We opened our adoption to my daughter's birth grandfather. Like you, I agree that adoptions should be open if possible. We had visits for a while and then my daughter wanted it closed. It reminded her of the trauma and abuse. He was the only one who DIDN'T abuse her but still, he was a reminder. I don't know if I would cancel this visit that is coming up, but I would talk to them well before the visit and put things in writing. I think mainly, they have to face the damage they have caused and feel that they have to make that right at all costs.

After having a long talk with dh we decided to go ahead with the visit. We feel that fd has been through the wringer and it just wouldn't be right for her not to see them. We are taking a chance and we know that she will be affected but we will go through with it. Future visits will depend on how this goes and if they will stay within the boundaries. Thanks so much for all your replies. I really appreciate so many of you taking time to help us with this. We don't have much support yet and this is the first time we are adopting. I will keep you all posted as to how all this turns out.

I just wanted to add...we had our visit yesterday. Everything went amazingly well! The kids were happy to see bmom, but there was no real tie there. When they wanted something, they came to my husband and I. We were stiill mom and dad. I actually never heard them refer to her as mommy j as they've called her here. The youngest one I did hear once call her just J. I think it was a huge eye opener for bmom...she realized she is not the mommy she dreams about. She will be in their life, but it is not going to be the loving mommy they run to. The kids seem relatively unfazed. No tears when it was time to leave, no drama last night, no drama today. They are behaving as they would had they met any of our family friends. We'll keep an eye on things for them, but to my surprise, they are handling it w/o any real issues right now. Good luck to you at this upcoming visit! It is so super scary I know!

Oh that sounds so good. That would be my dream for our fd. So glad everything is going so well for you. Was it the older ones or the younger? I am wondering if this would work for an almost 8 yr old?

This was the older ones. They are now 6.5, 8, and 9, and they were 2, 3, and 4 when they last saw bio mom.

MyForeverKids - Until I read your post, I never gave a second thought to my daughter's bfamily calling me by my first name and not ask your mom, for example. They still refer to me by my first name, rather than mom. I know that is confusing for my adaughter because even as an adult, I still feel awkward calling my stepdad dad, even though I always think of him as my dad and I also don't feel comfortable calling my bfather dad either, but I do to his face, while calling him by his first name when talking to others or I call him my bfather. I was not adopted, but my parents divorced when I was 8 and when my mom remarried a couple years later, I didn't hear from my bfather again until I was an adult.

The other odd thing is that when talking to my adaughter, I refer to her bmother by her name, but when we are altogether for a visit, I refer to her as mom too. That's what my daughter wanted to call her and it doesn't bother me to let her call both of us mom, but after reading your post, I think the family should refer to me as her mom, instead of my first name. When I talk to other children, I don't tell them to talk to (insert first name) - I say talk to your mom.

I soooo agree with what you are saying here. I am going through the same situation. My almost ( month or two away from finalizing) legal son has been with me since his was 5. He is 7 now. He was removed from the home and had NO CONTACT at all, per court orders, for two years. She relinquised her rights (bc she knew she was up for termination and this was her only hope of ever seeing him) and asked that we do an 'open adoption'. Of course, we just wanted to keep him, he was part of our family by then, so we agreed to three supervised visits per year and once a month phone call. WELL, they had the first visit, it was very hard on everyone. He did pretty well considering. My problem is ....she is acting like, and telling him, that she will ALWAYS be his mommy and he now has two mommys...she actually refers to me as Mommy___my name. She continually tells him he is her heart, her life, she lives for him, she will always be in his life, etc. I feel this is very, very damaging to him. When they speak on the phone, he cannot get a word in bc she is non stop with telling him how much she loves him. We did tell her 2x bf that she needs to back off, ask him questions about his life, etc. but she does what she wants. I am ready to stop calls all together if this does not stop. She also sends gifts with plaques to "my son" . ugh. I thought he needed to see his birthmother, he has had so much loss in his little life, but I honestly think this is not healthy for him. Its like a mind game , does that make sense to anyone? You mentioned that the children should not refer to their birthparents as mom and dad. I dont know how I could stop that as he has memories of her (not all good, but memories none the less_) Thanks for sharing your story, it's good to know I am not alone. I just want peace and I want to raise my family. My birth daughters are grown and we took this child for what we thought would be a month or two (distant relative). I fell madly in love with him and cant imagine my life without him, however I dont want drama and turmoil for the next 15 years. Thanks for listening!! WOW, what a vent eh?? Sue

How could you go from a no contact court order to 3 face to face visits a year and phone calls every month. Would you have lost him if you didn't sign for open adoption? In our case we are considered the front runners to adopt because we have had fd for almost 2yrs. At this point the relatives don't have much of a chance because they left her in care for so long and didn't show any desire to spend time with her or adopt earlier in the case. Our state does not recognize open adoption contracts. If you had him for that long how could you be forced to sign or else? Just wondering how that all happened? Can you get out of it? I agree with you that this could be bad for your son. Hopefully she will listen and be appropriate.

We did not go straight to calling them by first names. We started refering to the bparents as mama T and daddy C. The kids just naturally started doing the same. Then after a few months of that, the visits stopped (bparents choice) and the kids just started calling them by their first names and sometimes they still say mama T and daddy C. I really feel that I should point out- I disagree with FORCING a child to call their Bparent by their first name. I had to give them time as they processed their loss. By me calling bmom "mama T----" the kids were able to take the cues from me and understand that a change was taking place. We talk often about how C and T love them and want the best for them. I pray for the bparents often with my kids. I gave them pictures of the bparents to keep in their memory box etc. I recognize their bparents place in their heart. But, the ADULTS, aka birth family have to suck it up and realize that their child has a new mommy and daddy. I know that some people argue that kids can have two moms and dads and be fine with that, but my experience has been the opposite. This is NOT co-parenting like a divorce situation where both sets of parents/step-parents have responsibilities in raising the kids. Yet, many times, FC adoptions are treated this way.

I guarantee you that peace is what your son wants as well! Kids just want to feel "normal". They don't want to be manipulated and controlled and have drama and turmoil all the time either. All I can do is protect my kids from people who try to manipulate their feelings and make them feel like crap for being happy in their new family. I really do understand where all of you are coming from and it sounds like we all just want the best situation possible for our kids. Our therapist reminded me that the kids are really young right now and that when they are older they will have the chance to be in contact with whomever they choose. At that point they will be emotionally healed and ready to deal with these complicated situations. Right now it is just very confusing.

------------------------------------------------------I posted the info below on the regular foster care and adoption thread, but the info here is right where I am at. If TPR is granted and P stays with me, I worry about openness. I have spoken with P's GM about this and want her to have contact, but how do I do that while trying to protect her from her BD who still says in his letters, that she will always be "his little girl" and "he is always watching her", etc" -Thanks for all this information! ------------------------ So, P (7 years) has been with me 14 months, and prior to that with kinship-step mother -then two foster homes. She has not lived with blood relatives for about 4 years. SHe has a large extended family/relatives who she loves, she visits GM and aunts, uncles and cousins and loves them. She cries when she comes home to me. Both grandmoms are not a resource for various reasons. TPR for parents was to be in December, but dad still in jail and mom on probation. Visits with mom were halted bc she wasn't following through on screenings prior. Now, in court last week, an aunt steps up and wants to be a resource. P loves this aunt and her kids (P's cousins), but the judge says "where have you been for the past 4 years?" Aunt says wants to be a foster resource, but the judge and CYS is looking for permanancy - adoption and she won't say that. I think P's BD is working on getting any family members to get her so when he gets out of jail he will still have contact. I know P loves me and more importantly loves her "normal" life. She plays softball, soccer, skis, is a Brownie, has friends and goes to birthday parties, things she never got to do. But she still cries when she has to leave her visits and come "home." P and I just need permanency. P needs to know where she is going to live, I need to know if she will be my daughter, which has been the plan by CYS for about a year. Plus Tuesday is the 2nd birthday of my first placement who was reunited at 6 months. Can't stop thinking how she is. This rollercoster of foster-adopt is wearing on me.

Wow, that's tuff. Is P able to express why she cries when leaving visits?? Does she see them alone, stay the night, etc? Is she crying because she thinks she won't be seeing them again?? Do you think they could be saying things to upset her? I would try to get to the heart of what is bothering her. It is definately a concern. It sounds like you are probably the best shot she has at a having a permanent family. In my opinion, that trumps having a relationship with blood family. Kids can grow up healthy and happy without aunts and cousins. They cannot grow up healthy and happy without parents!! She needs a mom more than she needs extended family. I would do my absolute best at giving her both if you can! Best of luck

I think some of it is because her cousins are getting to stay and sleep over with Nanny and she has to leave. I don't think they are saying anything because the visits are supervised and the supervisor dosen't let P out of his sight. She is just so torn. We finally have a good therapist. In a month, he was able to get her to talk about her feelings. We just need to know what the future will bring. Until then we are in holding pattern. Thank you for your reply and thoughts.