You'd think I would have this figured out by now....but no

I didn't mean to get as negative in the last post as I did. And I certainly didn't mean to just start complaining about J's biological family. (though I appreciate the "got my back" support :love: ) I guess the specific issue I started with is just really the surface result of what's really bothering me, and that is that when M and others in the family say or do things disrespectful to me, or others in our family, J either doesn't even notice or does notice, but does nothing. I mean seriously, J was standing right next to me at each of the 50 times we were introduced as "M's son J and Heidi from CA" and when I mentioned it the next day, he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about and said he hadn't noticed. I pointed out he was standing next to me and must have heard it at least once, if not every time. Nope. And I have asked him to address with her/them how they speak of us and he has flat out refused. He says difficult conversations with her are impossible and it wouldn't help anything and he doesn't want to do something that would just get her upset and not fix anything. With his siblings, he seriously doesn't even notice how they speak of us, which I can only attribute to the inherent self-centeredness of being 20. He only sees what interests or amuses him, not what references or affects others. And by calling her his "real mom" when he knows how that term was put out in straight up denial of me from the very beginning, feels like he's just joining in. I think I've said before here that I feel like I'm worth standing up for, and it makes me sad that J just really hasn't done that for me, and now he's using the very term that was used to attempt to cut me out. I guess it's the context that hurts more than just the words. This all sounds horribly negative and I really didn't start out to just whine or complain. I really did just wonder if I should press the issue of what he says and how he says it, or if that's just his choice to make and I should leave it alone. I guess the discussion just led me to reflect on what I'm really feeling and why I'm feeling it. To give J credit, even though he will not address anything directly or correct them on anything they saw (if he notices at all), he does call me his mom, and us his parents, his family, etc. He feels that's enough, that he says what we are and he doesn't want to correct them on what they say or how they say it, and honestly I can understand that. I admit that sometimes when I read how adoptees (like Nicole or hp or Brock or others) here stand up for their aparents if someone belittles them some way with terminology, I get a little jealous. Not only has J not done that with them, he refuses to. However, I'm over here on my side feeling my feelings, and he's in the middle feeling the burden of both people's feelings. I know he's making decisions from where he is in life and maturity and just trying to save himself from conflict he feels is unnecessary and pointless. He sees us as totally secure and them as the ones on the "outside" so to speak, who need the affirmation and encouragement that they matter and he cares, whereas with us that's a foregone conclusion. He feels we come from the place of inclusion and security and they are the ones who don't get to have him in their lives every day so he's not going to begrudge them if there is resentment or hard feelings on their side. He doesn't think it's a big deal or that we should care. Any discussion feels like pressure and expectation and he resists that. And I get that. I know he loves and respects me. It's not his job to give me warm fuzzies. I can't require him to enter into conflict to make me feel better...I just wish he felt a little motivation within himself to just set a baseline of expectation of some basic respect of us/me and not feel that's pointless or just not important enough to risk the conversation. My goodness I'm sounding self-pitying. I don't mean to! I am completely secure with J and we are the lucky ones and they are just barely getting to know him with long-distance exchanges and a total of 6 days actually spent together. I don't mean to pick at what is a fairly smooth reunion as reunions go. I don't mean to make my feelings J's responsibility. Just every now and then, I go to where I wish one this one thing was different. And I know that a lot of this is coming up inside me because we are going from living where we always have while they moved 3000 miles away...to us moving all the way across the country to just hours away from them...and I wonder how that will affect things and whether they will be easier or harder. There is NO one in my RL who I can talk about this with who would "get" it. So thanks for being here.

Wow Heidi, that's some big changes going on in your life. Just the move alone could cause quite a bit of unsettledness, things have changed and are going to change even more. That's a lot (((Heidi))). I really think you sound like you understand what is going on with J. And he seems to understand too, in his own 20 yr old way. I don't think you are missing something. He knows who his mom is, trust me. I'm sticking by this feeling that things will change for the better, will just take time. I don't have any advice really, other than maybe a little hope never hurts. Maybe it would help to just think of the day J will get past his 20 yr old self-centeredness, when we all usually begin to consider more about others feelings, and also learn to confront adults in matters we don't really approve of. It took me a while to learn that adults aren't always right, and I don't have to listen to all of them, or any of them for that matter. I'm pretty certain that his protectiveness of you, his family, hisself, will kick in soon enough. Especially when he spends more time in RL with other family. It's still new and exciting. For me, there were so many times when I was with bio family, that i really missed my mom and dad, our life, one example was when we were watching my home movies as a child with them. I wanted to share it with them, but sitting in their house while watching it.....whew, it hit me hard, them too. They were able to see who my family has always been in RL, that can't be erased. I think it's too easy to put blanks in that space of time we were missing, if you've never seen those times. My mom was smart to put all of our old movies on DVD and gave all her kids a copy to share with whoever they chose :) It really opened the eyes of many in my tribes. When the time does come when it hits him, and I know it will, just think of all the good days you'll have together while he is trying to be rid of his guilt and make up to you, trying to repair, and how close you will grow then.

Heidi,I am so sorry you feel this way. It has to be frustrating when logically, you can see things one way, or justify it, and emotionally you've had enough. (I hope that came out right) You are totally justified in what you're feeling. Send J over here and let some of us older adoptees straighten him out.I always hated the term "real" parent, but after thinking on this thread, and my recent reunion I had a slightly different take on the word real. Maybe it's because M is suddenly becoming "real" to J. I know I've felt this way about meeting my bmom. She's no longer someone I knew nothing about, to a few things about. Suddenly I am getting to know her, and it seems "real". We've left the fantasy part, and I feel she's now here, a part of my life. I wonder if any of that could be coming into play with your son.Come vent here anytime!

Heidi....I wish I had something better to offer than hugs and crepes :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Heidi: I know I sent you a PM but, as an adoptee, I don't think you need to explain yourself or feel guilty about how you feel. "I" DO believe if a child ( adopted or not) has good parents they "owe" them respect and acknowledgement for what they have done. Once, when I went to my biofamily's family reunion, I was constantly asked: "how does it feel to be with your real parents?" At first, I let it "slide" but after a while it was disrespectful of MY aparents and the relationship that we have. I politely and firmly responded that my "real parents" are in Miami, Fl. Of course several people tried to correct me, but as I told them: my " real parents, R & J, are in Miami and if you continue this conversation, I'll leave!" Needless to say, that was the end of the story. Long story short, talk to J and let him know "mama's not happy". It's not you telling him how to address his bmom-it's about respect. Again, I wish you the best! -Manni:wings:

I am 31 yrs old and mother of 2 and was recently found by my bmom. The whole terminology of the adoption is so tricky. Real as opposed to Not-Real? Natural vs unnatural? I have so far just stuck with calling her by her first name. I know who my mom is and so does your son. It may be that he is just trying out the title to see how it feels. Sometimes I have tried to call my Bfather dad, but always go back to his name. One thing I can say, he is 20. When he has his own kids/family he will suddenly have a whole new appreciation of you!

hey there, i'm pretty sure you know i'm a half-adoptee also. we've chatted about this about 4 years ago. anyway, i definitely don't think your son has any clue that the terminology he is using isn't "pc" in the adoption world. i ALWAYS used to refer to my biodad as my "real father" but i had never brought him up to my adad until just before reunion, and at that point i was versed in adoption language and used the term "biological father". i want to say that i really respect you for being so open and willing to hear what adoptees have to say about this. i only wish that my parents had one iota of understanding that most of you have when it comes to the bio families and the strange relationship triangles that come from adoption...lol... i think that step-parent adoption has its very own set of complexities because of past relationships, etc. i seriously respect the way you've handled your son's reunion/life as a half-adoptee! :) kudos to you...and good luck with your move!

Even when I didn't know that "real" was un-PC, I still felt weird when people said it. I've had people all my life ask me if I know my "real parents" and it's ALWAYS bugged me... Maybe that's just me though (this post was in response to like one sentence in healingfeeling's last post...I didn't feel like quoting LOL).

sarah, the "real" word is pretty cringeworthy for adoptees. but remember that her son is a half-adoptee and was not adopted by heidi at birth. i can relate to this because its not "traditional adoption" where you are just living your life completely from the start with your aparents. a lot of step-parents that become a-parents are not prepared for adoption issues, and neither are their spouses, which then leads the children to be somewhat confused and most of the time are not as much in tune with what the adoption "norm" is. i do think that heidi is very well versed, lucky for her son...but i doubt very much that he's on a forum like this one, as we hardly ever see guys in their 20's on here, kwim? i have no idea if the thoughts in my head even translated to make sense to anyone with that post, but i just had to say that there is a difference there because he's always had at least 1/2 of his genetic family around. :eyebrows:

How would he/she/you feel about "first mom"? One syllable, short and to the point, also not looking for debate, lol! I know several birth mothers who prefer this, and most do NOT prefer "real mom". :)

you made perfect sense... I knew somewhere in my mind that he was is a "half-adoptee" because Heidi has mentioned it somewhere on this site LOL. I just totally forgot. I can imagine it's different for sure.

Well I don't care. I still don't like his bfamily or how they treat you and disrespect you and they can suck it.So there!I'm throwing the tantrum for you Heidi because you are far too gracious and nice to have one.;)You'll work this all out I think and just hope that J can understand it's more about respect for you as a person than anything else and not a contest or something he should feel in the middle of.

It sounds to me like he's not willing to stand-up for you and that hurts. Is he aware of just how much you are hurting? Or is he aware but just too afraid to talk with you and do anything, particularly for fear of upsetting his adoptive mom (hence his so-called 'not noticing' what's happening right in front of him)? It sounds that he does feel caught in the middle and that he doesn't have the maturity or confidence to talk about the situation & the feelings involved, let alone do anything to try to find a mutually comfortable 'solution'. And given that this is tough for a lot of adults, let alone someone who's 20 years old and grappling with post-reunion difficulties, I can see how he ended up sticking to his old terminology. Or is he doing a "Men are from Mars" reaction (i.e. apparently some men, like my a-dad BIG TIME, like retreating into their caves when the emotions run high)? ;-) I do know that when I had run-ins with my a-dad and my stepmom about my adoption stuff, upon my suggestion (and footing the bill), we ended up going to see a counsellor. While the counsellor wasn't familiar with adoption-specifics, he was EXCELLENT at group mediation. Basically his technique was to first collectively map out how each person was feeling so that everyone at least felt that their emotions/issues were acknowledged and heard. He did a lot of active listening and then managed to coax us 3 into a mutually agreeable set of actions. VERY USEFUL! Perhaps you can express how you feel and also ask how he feels about the naming situation? Or alternatively, express how you feel and also acknowledge that all of this naming dynamics may be difficult for him to handle at this time. And if he still refuses to do any searching for mutually OK solutions, then unfortunately I think you may need to accept this situation for now. Whatever the case, I do recognise how truly painful and frustrating all this must feel for you. Feel free to vent here! Sending hugs your way.

i feel bad for you Heidi. i only have one real mom & she is the one who raised me, the same w/ my real dad. i have b-parents. i always hated that when people would say - what about your real parents? you mean my b-parents? oh, them. who knows. even if you are in a stepmother who adopted situation, that takes guts. i think your son is hurting you on purpose. i just can't inmagine being so cruel to the woman who raised you, who opened her heart to you. i am sorry if this offends you but i am very protective of my parents. if/when i meet my b-parents they still won't be my mommy & daddy. i don't think this has anything to do w/ his age. this has to do w/ him blatently hurting you. maybe he's afraid if he doesn't call his b-mom his "real mom" that she won't have anything to do w/ him. i don't know. what i do know is that if i had to choose a mom to call "real", it would be the one who raised me & loved me & worried for me. i don't think that is too complicated for a 20 year old man to understand. just my opinion, Cat

Thank you for your thoughts, really. :) I feel bad complaining about him because I could not ask for a more affectionate son. I get hugs everyday and "I love you's" every night before bed and at the end of every phone call. He raves about my cooking (which is mediocre at best :o ) and even calls me "Mommy" sometimes. It's just navigating this whole thing of how his adoption affects him, and me, where we just can't seem to get it together Healing hit it on the head when she said that the step-parent adoption situation can be complicating, because there is a history between the parents and the families that can be complicated, as ours is. There is hurt, resentment, anger and it's hard to imagine there ever won't be. And I can see that for J to have to address something head on, that has its roots not so much in today as in all those years ago would seem like stepping into the whole thing which he decidedly does not want to do. On the one hand, it puts me in a situation of feeling pretty alone in it because DH and his whole family are biologically related to DH, were there the day he was born, remember all the milestones in person, etc. And M and her whole family have the same thing for the first few months. So I'm the only one who wasn't at that party, which honestly sometimes when I think about it, leaves me with a sense of vulnerability...so when I hear him say something like "real mom" it hits me right in my vulnerability. And that's why it hurts, along with a host of other reasons. And Dickons is also right, I AM strong enough to deal with whatever he wants to call her and I know very much that it has no real or substantive effect on my motherhood- because that's something that I own and that I do and that not even J can undo. I guess my struggle is knowing the line between where my feelings as a person and a mom should have a real effect on J or require action on his part, and where my feelings are just mine to deal with and J as an adult adoptee should be granted the freedom to navigate it all as he wishes no matter how ANYONE feels about it. Goodness knows, if he had to obey other's feelings about this he could very well be calling me by my first name and referring to me as his stepmom. I'm not entitled enough to think that all their feelings should be ignored and all of mine should be obeyed. Just thinking out loud. Thanks for all your thoughts everyone.