Need a bparents opinion here

No one can tell you for sure, and you won't know unless you do contact her, but I can think of reason she might say what you've heard that she said. I have more than one bmother friends who placed their 2nd or 3rd child for adoption while raising the older child or children. For them, it was an act of desperation because they simply did not have the physical resources to care for an additional child. While the mothers I know haven't said the things your bmom has allegedly said, I can imagine a mother in that situation feeling like the older child is all she had left. I have no idea what she was told when you were adopted, but many of us who placed in closed adoption were told to "forget." For some it's the only way they can deal with the guilt and pain they feel. Again, you won't know how your bmom feels about you unless you do contact her. I wish I could promise you a bmom who would love you and be proud of you, but I can't. I can only tell you that many birthmothers would love to hear from their placed children.

Any more thoughts on this topic?

I placed my 2nd child. I often tell Sasha, now 13, that she is all I have for exactly the reason kakuehl stated. She is the only person that I have never lost and who I know will be there. I lost Sarah, by my own doing but I still lost her. Sasha's father was gone for 8 years, back now but he did it before he could do it again. I lost daily parenting of my step children. Lost most of my family when I took my husband back. Etc. Maybe your birth mom lost a lot of her support in life too. Or maybe her only way of coping with loosing you is to overcompensate with him. You'll never know unless you ask her. But I know how hard it is to reach out and face the fear of rejection. I wish you the best with whatever you decide to do.:grouphug:

You are making an unfair comparison because you do not yet know how she feels about you, too. So many of us birth mothers are dismissed, criticized, judged and silenced when we even TRY to speak of our children. Most birth mothers I know are at least partially "in the closet" about having placed kids. So as much as they might love to shout from the rooftops how proud they are of their children, they are not able to because the minute they acknowledge to someone that they have a child they surrendered to adoption, they get the "OMG! How could you DO THAT??!!" comments. If your birth mother was from the closed era, most likely she was told the standard line of the day "forget about it and move on." She probably praises and dotes on the child she kept so much because she knows the deep loss of losing another and if that's her only other child, he IS all she has right now (in terms of kids--I hope she does have other people in her life she is close to). I had a semi-open adoption with my son and his family and had no other children. I can assure you, I am extremely proud of my son and have told him so. I generally, though, don't go around telling other people. Only my husband, family who was around at the time I placed my son, and very close friends, know about him. Another thing to consider is, expressing pride to others and doting or fussing over your placed kid are hard to do when you are not the child's parent. I don't know if that makes a lot of sense or if I said that correctly, but it's not like we can actually take credit for the successes of our placed children in the same way as the ones we raised. It would feel, in some ways, like taking credit away from the aparents who actually did the day-to-day work of raising them. I can even see where some adoptees would feel "put off" or maybe even offended if their birth mom was expressing to everyone how talented their placed kids are and how they are their "everything." That might feel like an icky boundary violation to someone who wasn't raised by the person doing all that bragging! My guess is, deep down, your birth mom DOES have positive feelings about you. Does she know anything about you, and where you are in your life and what you are doing? Was your adoption completely closed or did she get to have some knowledge about you? I think you are naturally nervous (understandably so) about contacting your mom. It is a nerve-wracking thing! But could it be you are comparing yourself to her raised child as a way to keep yourself from moving forward in reconnecting? To be sure, your relationship WILL be different with her from the child she is raising. And there will be feelings of "why didn't she keep me" and such. But you will never know TRULY how your birth mom feels about you if you don't take the chance and contact her. You could be pleasantly surprised. And your birth sibling might even think your birth mom is being overbearing in all the praise and doting, and be actually thrilled that his mom has someone else to focus on! Just a thought.

dklevy - Awesome response - what was the saying "To err is human but to forgive is devine. It's also devine to take responsibility for what has been and use your experience to help others understand anonymouswreck - You will never know how she feels until you make contact. You have nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain. Do it !! You need to know who you came from and what your birth story is. Be prepared for an emotional ride. Fingers crossed for a great reunion. Ann Ann

I am a birth parent whose child was given up when he was 6 months old. Now granted it was not by choice and highly illegal but unfortunately I was 19 at the time and couldn't afford an attorney. I have watched for my child and any signs of him since he was adopted and finally when he turned 18 I sent him a message on myspace as a friend request. He automatically knew who I was because after he turned 15 the adopted parents told him he was adopted. I was a very emotional reunion for me and I don't regret contacting him at all. I can understand that the bmom brags and so forth on her other child that she kept because after all she don't know you and didn't raise you or have anything to do with your upbringing. With that said I think you should contact your bmom and try to reunite with her if that is what you truly want. It is a very emotional ride for everyone and that is to be expected. It is hard for me to hear my bson to call his birth parents mom and dad even though now he is living with me and refers to me as his mom but it is still hard for me to hear him call someone else mom. I am just greatful that he was willing to talk to me and meet me and moved in immediately with me after we meet. Our reunion has been great but there are always going to be questions and doubts I am sure. Yes definetly contact your bmom but be prepared that it will be extremely emotional. I would have loved to been able to raise my son and be there for him in his life but I wasn't and now all I have is the future. Good luck and keep us posted as to how things turn out.

hi- i'm a birthmother looking for my daughter. I've lost 3 children since I gave her up and have one son - my "everything". He knows of his sister, the circumstances surrounding her adoption , and , as we've discussed, is anxious to meet her. I can't sayyour birthmom will be excited, but, if she truely is a mom, she should welcome with open arms you back in her life. That's what keeps me going, and looking, every day for 35 yrs. If she doesn't- and I can't believe she wouldn't- have you back in her life, don't despair. Sometimes people hide their fear in rejection or living in the past. Be strong- and know a lot of us are out here rooting and praying for you. Do what your heart tells you to do, honey , and know at least one out here cares how you feel and knows you are special.

As this thread has said, a reunion is an emotional time for both the bmom and child. You can't second guess how she is feeling and as previously mentioned, many of us from the era of private adoptions were told to "forget and move on". That said, I don't personally know any bmoms who are able to forget. I place my son 41yrs ago and thought of him every year but never thought he would find me. My family and friends were not told about him but everyone has been supportive of both of us since he found me. The major glitch in our relationship has been his adoptive mom. She was too emotional to meet me when I spent the weekend and refuses to talk to her son about his feelings or our connection. We still chat online but the connection is just a fraction of what it had been or could be if he didn't feel he was being unfair to her. Everyone is emotional at time like these but we can only pray that time will heal everyone involved. That goes for you too.

Wow. First I want to say, I'm sorry you feel that way. Being a bmom, myself, I think the best first contact would be a letter. This way, you can write her a letter and tell her all the things you would like to say and you'd have plenty of time to make sure it's written nice enough not to offend. Then I'd mail it along with a stamped envelope so she would be able to write you back without the thought of having to pay. If you're not into writing letters, I would try to work up the courage to call her. When doing this, I would try to put aside what you've heard about her feelings towards her son.