Has Anyone Experienced Similar?

mjh...I wish I had some words of wisdom for you in terms of gaining more support.Like you, I have searched for my b-family for 50 years, but with out success.I am black market so my story has a beginning, a middle, but no ending.In my experience, it is hard for non-adopted people to understand the depth of the emotional experience that is related to adoption...even in the face of those adoptions which took place before we were knowledgeable, the experience becomes life long...much like a shadow that never speaks...some days it requires more attention than others...other times it is simply a background for us.Those who have never experienced a deep emotional experience will often have trouble relating. Frequently their response is based on a lack of understanding as to why we can't simply move on. Often I have wished it was possible to cut the adoption ties, and in fact "move on."For you to have found b-family after all this time is remarkable and I hope it turns out for the best.On TV there is a new show that deals with adoption and "finding." I believe it is called, "My Family." Additionally some of the folks on this site have mentioned other good movies involving adoption. This may be a way for you to gain support.I wish you the best.

First, congrats on locating your mother and family!!!!! MJ, I'm sorry your husband is being difficult. My husband wasn't the easiest, but I think he was too afraid of loosing me to come out and say, no way, I'm changing the locks. He reluctantly went along with what I wanted, but many things I held back on because of him. I regret that very much. He did go with me to meet both my mother and father once, after we all insisted. And he has put up with my father and his wife and his sons coming to visit us. But he didn't make it real easy for me. I don't appreciate the added stress, I mean really, isn't reunion stressful enough!!! We've 'discussed' everything adoption, whether he liked it or not. I feel like I am his teacher, while being my own teacher of adoption and reunion. We've debated so much, it's this crazy arguement circle. He "gets it", but then he doesn't get it, or more like he doesn't want to get it. Some days it's "whatever you say honey, just shut up about it." Others it's "get over it". He still says things that make me want to choke him. Mine didn't want things to change, he was jealous I was giving my time and attention to other people, other people I could love and hug, and would love and hug me back. He was scared. His parents are dead, so that did make him sad and feeling left out. And watching me get to know my original parents/family, really hurt his feelings, becasue it's something he can't have. Plus he doesn't have any siblings, so has a hard time understanding that one. Afraid of change, afraid I would forget about him... I made it a point to include him, even if it was a fight. My biodad called and asked him directly to come with me and the kids to visit, and always includes him, more than me sometimes LOL especially after I told dad the problems I was having. It really made a big difference to him, like he was part of it all, and was welcomed as much as I was. His fear of loosing life as he knows it was calmed some by that. We've been arguing these adoption points of mine for 10 years now, along with a lot of other old arguements LOL He still accuses me of being dis-loyal to my aparents.... Some husbands are just difficult, jealous, controlling and forget how they continue to loose the same argument everytime and keep trying, ya never know might get lucky LOL That and he uses things, his opinions, to hurt my feelings when he is being mean, so the same discussions keep coming back. Like how I am so dis-loyal to aparents and slapped them in the face by reuniting he says these things, and I know good and well he doesn't believe them. I often have no idea what to think. I really let mine have it a few times. It's not fair to be treated that way MJ. Something important to you, something you've been denied for many years, and now your husband wants to deny you of it too? Mine tried to do the same. That one boiled my pot over. And once I spoke my mind about what I thought of his selfish, negative, fearful reactions, and how serious and important this was to me - things changed a little. He knows I am doing it anyway. He's free to go along with it, or keep his mouth shut, or move on. I called his bluff. I'm glad he chose not to move on. We had our 26th anniversary tuesday. What does your husband say? What does he think will happen if you go to meet everyone? What are his fears? What is his nightmare?

Wow...what's with this guy? My wife instantly said that if I were to visit my b-sis' overseas that she was coming along too.

Wow! While I can understand your husband not wanting to join in, threatening to change the locks to me is as extreme as saying he's throwing you out of home. Sounds like you might like to seek relationship counselling. In the meantime, perhaps the following Post-Adoption Resource Centre's info about partners of adoptees might help [URL="http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/partners-of-adoptees-nov20061.pdf"]http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/partners-of-adoptees-nov20061.pdf[/URL] And congrats on finding your b-family!

Ripples is right, you'd better seek couples counselling. I can not understand why your husband acts like that. Does he hate your b-family, but why? You'd better talk to him about this. Hope you succeed.

My husband had some issues in the beginning of my reunion with my Bdad. Part of it, I think, was that, all of a sudden, he was no longer the center of my attention, thoughts, and life. My focus was on reunion and not him. He felt threatened. He was also trying to protect me from getting hert, something he perceived as his "job". He understood my need to know, but he does not do change very well. It was hard at times, and He also isn't the most socialable kind of guy, very shy, and it takes him a while to warm up to people. even now, years after reunion was begun, he doesn't really like to talk about any of it. He understands as best he can, but not being an adoptee, how can he truly understand? Threatening to change the locks if you go? Would he really do that, or is it a threat in an attempt to scare you into not going? My Adad used to do this kind of thing to my Bmom when she wanted to do something that didn't include him. He never did it, but I agree with the others on the counceling if he will agree to it. Can you pinpoint why he is so against this? Wishing you the best, and congrats on finding your Bfam.

What the.....!!! I can understand anyone who is not adopted or knowledgable about adoption issues not really knowing how important this is to an adopted person (and the birth family), but to threaten you over it is really beyond the pale! What is his concern? If it is that you will get hurt over it, I would think his reaction would be more gentle, like "honey, I am afraid it will not be good for you and wish you would reconsider or take things slower." Regardless, though, you are a grown woman, and certainly can make up your own mind as to what you can handle! I know when my son first gave me his identifying info, and I was an emotional basketcase for a few weeks, my husband didn't really understand. I also had to reassure him that despite my anxiety and almost obsessive thinking about my son, he (my husband) and my marriage were not going to be negatively impacted. At one point I had to tone things down a bit, because my emotions were overwhelming my husband. So maybe your husband is afraid that he will get put on the back burner or your attention will now be mostly on your bio family. It is very normal for those in reunion to go through that "honeymoon" period, where it's all they think about, so it's important to recognize that and make sure your other important relationships don't get completely ignored. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean your husband (or anyone) has the right to control you with threats! Is he normally this way, or has he just reacted like this since your reunion?

I hope it's the latter (i.e. he's only become this way since your reunion) since the former reaction of regularly using threats to control who you can or can't see, IMHO, almost verges on abusive behaviour....

I don't know of any data or statistics. But finding where you came from, closing that gap in your life is extremely rewarding. I had a very volatile relationship with my adopted parents when I was young. The anger and frustration came from my frustration with the world for not letting me understand how I came to be, why there were certain ailments I was prone to or certain things I was bad at. I was on a quest for a good portion of my life to figure that all out. When my biological parents found me on a blogging site I was shocked. Because of my age and sensitivity (result of immaturity) our first few years in contact weren't necessarily positive, but I am a more complete person knowing everything I do know now.