Birthmothers....question from adoptee. Is it okay? Please help!

wez - I think you have every right to ask your birthmother about your father. This is YOUR parentage and just as you have wondered over the years what your birthmother was like, you would have had the same questions re your birthfather. I'm the birthmother of a now 39 year old bson - we have been in reunion now for 8 years. I remembered when he asked about his father I was afraid he wouldn't be happy with the information I gave - my internal picture was of a young 20 year old and I just couldn't imagine what he would look like as an adult. I hadn't spoken to him for years in fact didn't know where he was. [Three years into the reunion I finally found him and put him in touch with his son] He was interested but had no emotional attachment. They have a "now and again" relationship but it did help bson to know who he was and where he came from. It is something that most people take for granted. We have cousins and aunties and uncles who are all part of our clan. We look at them and see a little of ourselves in their faces and their actions. You don't have that yet.... and it's part of your story so I'd ask bmom. She may be very willing to share. And.... at the moment you don't have many things in common to start conversations. This could be a great starter to get the words flowing. Good luck - it's all very heartfull and every move is coreographed but I think most reunions move forward into a special relationship. I hope yours does too. Ann

Kune, I do miss hearing from you - I'm in the midst of a disappointing reunion but I always remember your words of wisdom - hubby (bdad) and bson are having a hard time, me not so much. Everything happens for a reasion and, as you said, reunions move forward and I know bson and I have a special relationship - not necessarily what I expected but more than I could ever have dreamed of - thank you and I wish you and yours a healthy and happy life. keds

keds - I think you realised at an early stage that no two people (even hubby and wife) feel the same emotions or have the same commitments. It's cool that you can independently have that special relationship. I laughed when I read "not what I expected but more than I ever dreamed of". That Mantra has helped me so much. To me it's all about new beginnings - and making the best of what we have when we have it. Regards Ann

I am a birthmother, my duaghter was adopted at birth through a private adoption almost 11 years ago. There's not a day that goes by that I don't imagine how things will go if SHE decides to contact me once she is told of her adoption. When I think of the questions she will most likely have for me, the one that I assume will be in the top 5 is "who is my father, what is he like and do you know how I can contact him?". In her adoption her father was not a part of the process, he DEMANDED I have an abortion so my feelings toward and about her birthfather are not pleasant. I won't share my feelings about him or what he wanted me to do about my pregnancy with my daughter, when she asks me. I do plan to and will give her any information I have on who he is and how to contact him. So.... I assume and have from the beginning, that she WILL have questions about him, why wouldn't she? I expect, it won't hurt me or make me angry when she asks about him. I would question it if she DIDN'T ask about him. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you SHOULD definatly ask your birthmother. If she doesn't understand or becomes angry with you she'll get over, I promise. I have a 15 year old daughter and 8 year old son (that weren't adopted). I also have an almost 11 year old daughter that I have never met but love just as much as the 2 kids that I do know. A mothers love, whether birth or adoptive, never ends. I get angry with my 15 yr old atleast once a week, I just love her more everyday! lol I can't imagine anything my daughter (who was adopted) could say or ask me that would ever make me not love her or not want here in my life (if she chooses to contact me)! I hope all works out for you! Good luck!

Of course you should ask but for your own sake I suggest that you wait a while and get to know b.mom before attempting to find b.dad. Reunion involves processing alot of information and strong emotions. Taking on too much at once can ...too much.

Wez- Of course you have a right to ask, and who better to ask than your birthmother. I met my daughter in June, and she asked about her birthfather in August of that same year after many e-mails and phone calls. I had not kept in touch, but promised her I would do whatever I could to find him. I found him for her and he agreed to talk with her, but she was very hurt when his words of affection did not live up to the reality of continued contact. I knew she would get hurt, but I knew it was a journey she had to take... so I set them up, and then stepped back. And then was there to try to pick up the pieces. I wish you all the luck in the world, with both your birthparents' reunions. Soprano

I met my, 19-year-old, birth-son in August of this year. I went to that meeting with the expectations that he would ask, so before hand I got together as much information as I could. Being a birth-mom myself, I am sure she is expecting you to want to know, just as you want to know about her. He did ask me and I told him what I knew, which was little, however I offered to make first contact with him. Though he now has all of his birth-fathers info he still has not contacted him, but he has the information if he wants to use it.

My 23 year old son who was adopted at the age of 2 years old by my father and step mother has always been in my life due to the nature of his adoption but due to my having moved quite a bit after his birth, I have not been face to face with him as much as I would like. I always let my father and step mother know that I was open to answering any questions about my son's birth father should my son want to know about them. About 10 years ago, I registered with ancestry.com and kept up with research about my son's birth father until about a year ago although about 5 years ago I thought I might have evidence that the birthfather had died (evidence for many years of certain situations in the birthfather's life that suddenly stopped occurring - just went back to ancestry.com and found out that a death certificate has since appeared). My birth daughter has been adopted into a closed adoption and, should she choose to reunite with me, I would tell her as soon as she asked about her birth father. Since my daughter was 7 years old before she was adopted, I left her birth father when she was just under 4 months old and started dating her birth step father about a week after leaving her birth father, and married her step father when she was 3 1/2 years old, she would be well aware of her birth family relationships including her 5 years older half brother. Unfortunately, her birth father died on December 11, 2001 so she will not be able to have a further relationship with him. If she were to ask about him, I would not tell her anything negative about him but would tell her about the call I got from the cops in the state where her birth father was living in when he died which included his cause of death. Wez, I encourage you to ask your birth mother about anything you wish to know about your birth family, hopefully, she would be as open as I have been with my birth son and will be with my birth daughter (should she ever contact me).

I was reunited with my Birth Son when he was 27, and we were both overjoyed. He considers me MOM and calls me Mom. I had BAD BAD news for him when he asked me about his father on our first meeting after just one phone call, then 3 hrs later he was in my living room. We only live 150m apart. He was the product of a double rape in 1965. He thought for a few minutes before he aswered, then said "Its OK, it is what it is". I often wonder if I should have lied to him, but he seems to be ok with it. He has thanked me many times for giving him up at birth as he was treated well, and understood that I could not raise him alone as young as I was. I would wait until you can talk face to face, JUST IN CASE there is information that she may not be ready to tell you over the phone or in a letter..You could hint around it, but please don't push. I could not have told him that on the phone, but in the room, where I could judge his intelligence and his reaction, it was easier than I thought. It was the happiest day of my life, and I am so happy we both were looking.

GaleLynn, if I were your birthdaughter, I would want to be warned what my father's feelings were in advance, so I could have time to cope with them. And then decide how/when/if to contact him.I would definitely *not* want to, for instance, call him and have him blurt out to me that he just wished my birthmother had aborted me. Or receive same in letter.If you convey to her what he said to you, it's not you saying it! Obviously you made a very different decision. (PS I know a gal who had a child when the BF and his mom both wanted her to abort. BF showed up some 8-10 years later "wanting a relationship with his daughter.... I'm sure there are a million variations on this theme....)

Everyone has the right to know who put them here and for what reason. If you don't ask you may never know. Good luck and warm regards

:rockband: Yes, I think it would be ok for you to ask your Birth mom about who fathered you. After all. She should be honest...:rockband: