OT - Prenup when/if you Get Married

Without opening a HUGE can of worms, can I ask a crazy question? Not knowing all of your backgrounds (fost to adopt, domestic, international, open, closed, etc.) would any of you mention it to your child's first parents if you were considering adoption to include another parent? As a first Mom to a daughter being raised by a single Mom, I admit that I think about this sometimes. NOT that I would expect her to ask "permission" or anything similar to that - I'm not confusing my role/rights, I promise. :) Thoughts?

Well, my children will come to me through the foster care system. So I don't know if I (or they) will be able to have any sort of relationship with their biological parents. But if we have the sort of relationship where they know their child was adopted by a single woman, and we have enough of an ongoing relationship that I at least send them information on occasion, then I would consider this big enough of a deal to tell them about. Maybe not the "considering" part, but certainly the "doing" part. If I'm keeping them informed about grade promotions and piano recitals and sports trophies, then a stepparent adoption certainly ranks at least that high in importance.

These are my exact sentiments....even down to my last name becoming another middle name

My kids are foster to adopt. I would not mention anything to birthparents/family...As a matter of fact, most of my kids birth family don't know that I am single, not even their birthparents...Not that I am hiding it..I just don't really share my personal business with them. The little conversation (email, letters etc...) we do have solely revolves around how the kids are doing and that's it....If my kids were a domestic (non-foster care) adoption and I had a relationship with birth family, I would probably mention it, but only in a matter of fact kind of way....Kind of like I would tell a co-worker or church member....

I did a private domestic adoption and was selected as a single woman by the birthparents. It started as a semi-open but I now have an open adoption (with birthmom) and she is always jokingly asking me "Fe, when are you going to get married?" I would definitely tell her if I were planning to marry... and she would probably meet him in the dating stage if she were interested. Heck, she's invited to the wedding! Step-parent adoption is not an option for me at least for the first 5-7 yrs of marriage. So I wouldn't need to bring it up... she would probably bring it up before I do.

Crazy questions are definitely Welcomed! Great question! Unfortunately, I have a boring answer from my perspective. I went thru the Foster to Adopt program. The adoption is closed and I don't know how to even get a hold of the birth family at this point. So, I won't be able to tell the birth Mom.

I forsee the same situation with L once the adoption is finalized so I wouldn't even have this conversation (or any for that matter) with birth mom. That being said, hypothetically if L were a domestic adoption and I was in an OA, I would invite the first mom over to meet a potential spouse because after all...in my line of reasoning, I'd want to see if at least she would feel as comfortable as when she first chose me without the potential spouse....does that make sense?

This has been a really interesting thread. At first I thought - wow I can't imagine not having the trust in a man I marry to want him to adopt my children. So I appreciated the other perspectives brought forward. Then I thought a little more about my situation - my dad died when I was a toddler. My mom remarried when I was 9. He did not adopt me or my brothers (who were 12 and 13) but we considered him our father. I remember being asked my thoughts and my brothers wanted to keep our name since they remembered our birthdad and felt a connection to him. So I guess I don't think it is as cut and dried as I first believed. Since my oldest is 11 I would probably include their thoughts in the decision as well.

*not* a single mom here. mainly reply because of Cynthia :) My Aunt's ex-husband sent her and my cousins (baby/todder) to "visit" her mother. Once she got there (Alabama) he called (from Hawaii) and said - don't come back. Several years later my Aunt remarried. Her husband has a daugther from his first marriage as well. He did not want to adopt my cousins because of the possibility of divorce and additional child support. That said - he FULLY supported them - financially and emotionally. And both of my cousins grew up proudly with his last name as theirs. My male cousin named his son after my Uncle. My Aunt's ex never paid child support had very limited involvement in their lives. My male cousin flat out refuses to acknowledge him, but my female cousin used his name briefly as a young adult. I think if *I* were to be single, and to re-marry, that his relationship with my kids would definately be a big topic ... not sure about the pre-nup. As far as divorce - well, then I think my kids would just be my kids again, and he'd be gone. I would be more concerned about my death - so guardianship would be more of an issue. I can't imagine marrying someone whom I wouldn't trust to raise my kids in the event of my death. But I guess at some age I would have to put a provision in my will that the kids could choose to live with him, or the family who is currently my custodial choice. Thanksgiving Mom - if I was a single Mom I would absolutely tell my sons' birthMother of any significant relationships I was in that affect my kids. And, as a married Mom, as hard as it would be - if my DH and I ever divorced, I would tell her as well - along with what we were doing as a family to maintain a positive environment for our kids. It was hard for me to tell her that DH was going back to sea but I did. She had no issue with it - just me - LOL.

This is hitting kind of close to home for me...sadly.I read on Facebook this morning that one of my daughters parents is remarrying.*sigh*

((((((((((((Hugs Brandy))))))))))))))

Hey Brandy, if you don't mind my asking... why are you sad about this? Is it because the parent didn't tell you personally, you haven't met this new person or simply the fact that they are remarrying in general (meaning, you preferred them to remain single).

Ya know - ever OA is different - ours is certainly different than those I've read about here.We were very close - so much so, that when S & C split - S and M (my daughter) moved in with me for a period of several months. I have no opinion about them marrying/remarrying - but this is a life altering event for the daughter and it's obviously impacting her in a big way - she's been having a difficult time with it all night/today - at least, from what I've read on Facebook.

Oh Brandy - ((((HUGS)))) for your daughter.

Brandy Add my hugs. Hard situation.. Michelle - ggod to "see" you and I appreciate your perspective. I forgot to address telling the bparents - in my two open adoptions (one semi, one full) I tell them everything going on so this would definitely be included. Not for permission but because I belive that they have a right to know the big stuff. Just as I told when we moved states.