How does the birth mom refer to kids?

To the girls directly, she refers to them by name. I don't know how she does it in conversation with people, but on her myspace page she says she has five children. She goes on to say that all her children were placed for adoption.

I answered about what I call my son (whom I relinquished) on the other thread... As to what he calls me, I've always referred to myself to him as my first name. He generally calls me that. A couple of times he's called me 'Ma' but that's usually when he's joking around(still makes me feel warm, he'd never do it in front of his amom and I wouldn't let him anyway). The coolest thing was that he tagged me as his mother on Facebook, as well as his amom, as well as his stepmom. :-) I like that he feels secure enough in all three relationships to do that.

I also responded in your other thread, but to answer your questions here, my son calls me by my first name. We are not in an OA, but have had a semi-open with pictures and letters. I call him by his first name when I communicate with him. I refer to his parents as his parents or as his mom and dad. When I speak of him to family or friends, I refer to him as my son. When I come here and respond, I refer to him as my son as in the above paragraph. It would be very awkward and impersonal for me to say "The child I placed for adoption calls me by my first name" or "My adoptive parents' child calls me JustPeachy and not Mom." I have never called my child my "birth child" or my "biological child" and I don't know any birth moms who do. If we had an OA where I had visits and such, I would probably not be saying to the amom, "oh, my baby is so CUTE!" but rather "oh, he is so cute." If I later went home and showed a picture of my son to my friends, I'd say "wow, I can't believe my son is so CUTE!" Can you see the difference, and understand that in the context, these references are perfectly appropriate? Although we didn't have social networking back in the day, I feel what your daughter's birthmom is doing online is the equivalent to sharing information with her friends and family, which is why she is using the terminology she is. As I mentioned in my other post, I do not believe it is OK for you to tell her how to refer to herself or your child in her private sphere. I realize social networking sites are not truly "private" but these are her spaces to connect with friends and family and to express herself as she sees herself. I think you'd have more of a leg to stand on if she was saying things like "I'm my child's REAL mother" or if she were pretending that her daughter was with her and not placed for adoption or somehow disrespecting you. I would recommend not visiting her sites if it weirds you out so much, and I would also recommend working this out in counseling. It sounds like because you are weirded out you think controlling your daughter's birthmother will make you feel better. But I think there is a deeper issue going on here, and even if your daughter's birthmother DID agree to say "our" child or "my adoptive parents' child" in her postings, I can assure you without a shadow of a doubt that she will ALWAYS in her heart, mind and soul, think of your child as her child. You cannot obliterate that, and I do think it is very difficult to understand these feelings and connections between natural mother and child that truly go beyond words, even when there is a severing of that tie. I hope my message makes it somewhat clearer. It is very hard to articulate. I would encourage you to consider that your daughter's birth mom referring to your child as "my child" is not taking anything away from you at all. And if, as you say, she never oversteps her bounds and is gracious and respectful, why create a problem or issue with her where there really is none? Just because you are bothered by it doesn't mean it's a problem or for her to correct. I am not saying at all that your feelings are not valid. I think coming here and asking about this was a good thing to do. I just strongly encourage you to work this out independently without bringing it up to your daughter's birthmom. I think if you can get at the root of why it is bothering you, you will find it most likely has nothing to do with the fact that she is using this langauge.

What in the world "should" we birthmoms call our lost babies? I don't expect my son's amom to refer to him in conversation as her "adopted son." To hear that she does would hack me off to no end. I don't know moms whose children have died refer to their dead children in conversation as "my dead son" or "my dead daughter." I call my son my son, because that's what he is. I second a previous poster: the upset over a bmom calling her child, her child, does not appear to be the real issue.

When talking to my BM we both say "our daughter". (I started this after hearing "the person known as BD" refer to her that way; it appears to be catching on) Honestly, my feelings on this subject have changed as DD got settled. When I was insecure as to my role, and J wasn't settled in, it would have irritated me. Now, it wouldn't even register on my radar

I have placed a baby boy up for adoption. When I talk about him to friends, he is my son, because for me, I feel alittle disrespectful if I said " the baby I gave up". My son didnt ask to be born but I had enough respect and love for him to do the right thing. When we have a conversation his a-parents, they are his mom and dad. They deserve and own that title, per say. I have no problems being called by my first name, and if he chooses to call me "mom" then I personally would talk to his parents to make sure that they feel comfortable. I guess in a nut shell, its all about the line of communication between both b-mom and a-parents. I am very fortunate to a have open and honest relationship with them.

i am a birthmom of a 5 year old and a 13 month old. I raised my 5 year old until relinquishment in January. She will call me mom over the phone in front of the a-parents, which is fine with everyone. I helped prepare her for the transition by saying she was gaining two other moms other than me. When she is with them, she refers to me in conversation as her "tummy mommy". When I talk to the a-parents, it's usually "our daughter/children" unless they are having a bad day with them, then we pick at each other trying to say that they are not the respective persons. I have a really great relationships with my a-parents who are a lesbian couple. I don't see what the issue is, really. On my myspace and twitter, I refer to them as my children/daughters, because that is exactly what they are!

I don't understand why it bothers you what that she refers to herself as a mother when indeed she is. Do you think women who place babies stop being moms once they hand their children over? I think her friends and family (the people on her social networking site) know that she is not raising a child. And maybe you should not be on her social networking pages if you can't handle what you read. I guess I just don't understand the problem.

maybe you somehow feel threatened by this. the daughter I relinquished to a closed adoption will always be my daughter. Birthparents relinquish the right to parent. we will always be mothers and fathers. I have been in reunion for 13yrs. she is my daughter and I am her mother. She also has the mother who raised her, who willingly calls her 'our' daughter. Be at peace with the love you have...and remember there is always room for more. Susie :banana:

The birth parents of our DD that we adopted through foster care call her their daughter. She is. Her cousins, Aunts and Uncles are called that, so I can't see calling the parents anything else. They love her and are proud of her even though we get to raise her.

My daughter refers to me as her "birth mom", but I refer to myself as her mother.

DD's biomom calls her, her daughter. I have no issues mith that. DD calls her (Momma__________). What DD calls her when she gets older is up to her and not my choice to make. Biomom had a hard time hearing DD call me "Mommy". She relinquished her parental rights, not her heart.

I find it depends on the context how I refer to D. Someplaces I list him as son. Others I refer to him as my first born. When my parishoniers ask about my children I say my husband and I have two and I have a son I placed for adoption or sometimes I will say I raised two children. D calls me Kathy; when I'm talking with him I ask about his mom and dad, not his amom and adad. When I talk to his wife I jokingly refer to myself as her illegal mother-in-law. In my case I would say it's a work in progress. One difference, of course is that mine was a closed adoption and I had no contact with D or his afamily until he was 32.