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I adopted my son from foster care when he was two. He arrived at our home at 11 months. He is now almost 5.
We have an open adoption with bmom with two visits per year. It is going well, but because she has significant cognitive challenges, I have to work hard to maintain contact and arrange visits. I fear that I will lose contact with her, probably within the next year or two.
She has a large family, but doesn't have a relationship with most of them. I have no idea why. I noticed yesterday on facebook that a friend of mine is connected with several members of bmom's extended family including siblings and cousins. I know from the case history that bmom's extended family are lovely people with no issues that should scare me away, just for whatever reason bmom and bgrandma have sort of dropped from the family.
I would love for my son to be able to have the ability to know his bio family as he grows older. Is it reasonable for me to reach out to the extended family through my friend? I was thinking about asking my friend to approach them and just ask if they would be willing to meet me. Is that okay?
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I think that is a great idea! We have tried to get info on our girls bio grandpa. He tried to help bmom out, but she kept him out of the case until the last minute. He was just starting to get to know the girls when the case went back downhill and bmom signed consents. He'd moved in to help her pay rent, but apparently that wasn't enough and they were evicted (last fall). Now we have no way to contact him. We have an OA with bmom, but she doesn't seem following through. Everything is in her hands b/c she refused to leave us a phone number or address, or anyway to contact her! Our other kids, we have a growing relationship with their extended family. We send email updates, pictures, etc. We have a 'blog' with pics for them to see of the kids and little tidbits of what they are doing. On their bmom's side, not all of her family knows the kids were ever removed, let alone adopted, so honestly, I'm not sure how she handles that. I know she probably takes our pictures and makes them 'hers'. It bothers me, but I try to look at the bigger picture. I think asking the friend to be the go-between would be a good idea!
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I also think the mutual friend would be beneficial as long as you trust this person with knowing your son's birth family and no chance she would/could cause any drama in the future.If you have to ask yourself that question, a little more digging, may reveal another mutual person who may also know the birth family. The first open door, may not be the ONLY open door.Even tho we have some openness with our birthmom, she does not want her family to have the relationship with my child. We are early in our relationship and I have I have not asked too many questions about it, but if she found out I started a relationship with her brother's family she'd feel betrayed and would feel she could not trust me. Keep this in mind, even tho your son's birthmom may be slow, think about how she may feel if she's the last to find out you've been meeting with her family.