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Hello. My name is Michelle. I would love to vent what im feeling as im not sure if maybe I should get professional help. I gave birth to Zella 12/12/2008. My boyfriend and I picked her adoptive parents when i was a little over 20 weeks. We got to know them and one of them went with me to my doctor visits.(I would like to make it known that the parents we picked are AMAZING and they have been nothing but wonderful.)Im not sure if anyone experienced this. Im assuming probably but the whole pregnancy felt like I was carrying someone else child. And when i think about it now it hurts and I dont know why. It hurts me that I thought of her that way. I guess you would call that denial? I was able to have her with me the 2 days I was at the hospital and I did breastfeed her( which im thinking now was probably a mistake for my emotions but at least I know she got healthy stuff) because I was going to continue pumping afterwards as long as I could and they would come and pick up the milk. Zella is soon to be 16 months old. I get to see her about every 3months if they arent too busy. Im not complaining about that either! I try not to interfere in their lives and with the raising since shes not mine. But lately ive gotten into a rut. I do not feel like doing anything. I speak to no friends. Throughout the pregnancy i had no contact with any friends or family members. Only started talking again to my mother when I was going to give birth soon.I thought maybe I would get over it but up to this day I havent. I do not want to talk to anyone it be my family or friends. I do not want to go anywhere. I have a lot of resentment and anger with the clients I deal with at work. I work for the childrens medicaid program at work and i feel angry when Im speaking to someone around my age or younger that are pregnant. Im angry that they were able to keep their child. Its hurting my job performance a little because i tend to be curt and maybe a little rude. Ive gotten better at it. But me distancing myself hasnt. My family is having a reunion in june. And they swear it will make me better but I really dont see how it would. Im tired of feeling this way. Sorry its so long but i have no one to talk to about it since my b/f has his issues and i cant speak to him about it.:confused:Also just to add in there im not sure what my role is with her. I know shes young and doesnt know anything but im not sure how to even bring it up with her parents.
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What you're feeling is completely normal. YOU ARE GRIEVING.
Even if adoption was what you wanted, it IS a loss. Absolutely.
It's not something that you move on from, it's something that you learn to cope and live with.
I also thought I was clinically depressed, I guess I don't really know what that means, but really, I was grieving my child and because of the nature of how I lost him (to adoption) I was never really allowed to do that...
I don't think you're alone in how you were thinking of your child as you were carrying her. I'm not sure it's really denial as a coping mechanism!
And you have no reason to feel bad. You're doing GREAT. And I'm glad that your open adoption is going well. Finding the role in your child's life is something that you, your child and your child's aparents will have to figure out along the way, you know?
Take care of yourself.
It's a hard journey that I wish on no one.
I am an adoptive mom. I think that counseling would be very helpful for you. There is a user on this site named Bromanchick. She is a birth mom in an open adoption (child grown up now) and she is an amazing resource. She will be able to help you find a qualified counselor.
You are a mom. But you are not parenting. And your child has another mom. I have never been in your shoes but i have a close relationship with my son's first mom and I know that the grieving process has is deep and complicated and has many stages and if you have no place to vent and share and learn and listen you will not be able to grow in that process.
I wish you the very best. I believe you have a very important (crucial) role to play in your child's life but figuring out how to play that part within the very limiting confines of a few visits a year must be very difficult. I hope somebody can help you figure out how to do that. And above all, you have the important job of living and growing and loving your own life which it seems has stalled by grief. Please don't delay. You deserve this as a gift to yourself.
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Sometimes grief can spiral into a clinical depression with very little warning. Many of the symptoms you're experiencing can be related to depression, especially the social isolation from friends and loved ones, as well as the increased anger and hostility you described. Have you noticed any changes in your appetite or sleeping patterns?
Have you ever had any counseling or therapy? I know a lot of people are afraid of therapy, but it can be a godsend. I'd like to echo Portlowski's suggestion that you send a PM (private message) to Bromanchik. Brenda is a great resource, and she can help you sort things out. Besides being a first mom herself who knows all the in's and out's of open adoption, she is also a licensed therapist.
I hope you keep coming here and give us a chance to know you. We're a pretty likeable lot, if I say so myself. We may not have all the answers, but we're good listeners who have been where you are. You're among friends here... :loveyou:
Thank you so much for all the answers and support. You guys are amazing! I have not seen anyone post placement. I havent really starting feeling really bad until just recently. Ill def contact Bromanchick for assistance.
RavenSong-Of course I will keep coming back! This is the type of community I've been looking for.
Wow, you and I had our (placed) kids within a week of each other--I also matched with the aparents at 20 weeks and spent the pregnancy feeling like I was carrying someone else's kid. In hindsight, that's one of the things that messed me up the most. At least for me, trying to really believe that I am one of my son's moms has been important for my healing; I always want to follow that up with the thought that I am his crappy mom, so you can tell that I'm not all the way better yet. ;)Even in a healthy OA, adoption can rip your guts out. I agree that it sounds like you're clinically depressed--therapy could be a great help to you, I think.
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