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I wish I could share my adoption-related feelings, pain, etc; more with my a-family so they could understand what I'm going through. But I sense that they're just way too freaked about emotional pain in general, and adoption-related pain in particular, when I do try to talk about my experiences/feelings. For example, even 'tho when I've shared my feelings with my a-dad and have prefaced a lot of my pain by saying I'm not blaming him or anybody, I can tell that my sadness is hard for him to hear. To try to get him to understand what I'm going through, I encouraged him to read Nancy Verrier's "Primal Wound". He read it and found it very interesting and useful. But then after reading it, he replied with the philosophical/academic question, "What is identity?" (he's an academic who tends to deal with emotional pain stuff by intellectualizing everything). My a-brother, who's also an adoptee, doesn't want to hear anything about my search/reunion stuff. I remember when I first showed my photos of my first meeting with my adoption agency to his wife, he fled the room pronto. And when I'd reunited with my b-siblings, it took him nearly a month to send me an email while everyone else I'd told emailed me almost straight away. His silence was deafening to say the least. I'd love to tell my step sister, who's had a new baby, about how although I'm delighted for her being a mom, seeing her newborn has triggered all kinds of adoption-related sadness in me. But then again, she may take this too personally (she tends to take a lot of things personally) as if it's somehow me diss-ing her newborn. Luckily I do have friends both in and outside the adoption triangle with whom I can share my feelings. Adoptee friends of mine have said that they, too, find their a-family members very touchy in hearing about adoption-related stuff so they don't bother anymore. So I was wondering to hear from other adoptees what your experiences have been in sharing your feelings with your a-family? How many of them were supportive? How many of them understand? How many of them at least try to understand? Or is it just too hard for them?
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((ripples)) it is post like your's that remind me why I choose open adoption. To not live with secrets. To have my children be able to have a relationship with their bparents, and slowly, each year, each event, each time we get together, we all get a little better at accepting the whole situation. It's VERY hard to share a child. When you hold your's in your hands someday, you will understand. Weather birth or adoption, no one can tell me my children are not my own. They are my heart and my soul. They are my life. It's scarey to share my children with the bmom's who gave birth to them; but it would be harder for me to see my child struggling and afraid to talk to me about their adoption issues. There is always a fear that the child might bond with their bparents more then you. But fear is only fear. We can't let it stop us. You can't stop searching or getting to know your bfamily because of a fear of how your brother or family might act. You have to do what is best for you. I can't let my fear stop me from doing what is best for my children, it would hurt them. It doesn't really get any easier for us all, but we're finding our place along the way. Both bparents don't have it easy either, but they stick with us because they too believe in the power of honest living. If it's too hard for your afamily to hear about your journeys and findings, then don't share it with them, but don't hide it either. Be true to yourself. Share with your friends who understand, share if asked, but do what is best for you. In the journey of growing up, we all must discover, our own truths and be true to ourselves and to not let other people's feelings manipulate us into doing something that we don't want to do or stop us from doing something we feel we need to do. Follow your heart and don't feel guilty about it. ((hugs))
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Ripples, Very interesting post. My parents have always been supportive - always. But I have never shared the painful parts - it would have caused them pain - something I don't have it in me to do. Any glitches in reunion (people not wanting to have anything to do with me) I have simply done the stiff upper lip manner and brushed it away with it's okay - I understand what they are going through or I get why it is happening when asked...and I never volunteer the painful parts but answer honestly if asked. I don't think it is painful to them as individuals, it is painful to them because it is painful to me, just that I can see their pain when I am in pain - always have. I don't share non-reunion pain with them either for the same reason. Kind regards,Dickons
My mum has been fairly supportive and I do tell her all the basics about the reunion with my biological relatives (uncles and cousins) but I don't feel I can share any of the emotional side of it (like the fact that my bmother died a long time ago (when I was 16)). She is not that well and is a bit forgetful and I don't feel like upsetting her in that way. My younger abrother is close to his bmother but his bfather died a long time ago. He probably does understand to a certain degree but I don't really feel like discussing it with him as he gets too analytical. My asister has no interest at all in meeting any relatives but my older abrother (her twin) has met relatives. However, I haven't seen him for 2 years. Their mother died a long time ago as well. I suspect if I did talk to any of my arelatives about how I feel, they response would be "get over it, you never knew her, you have nothing to be upset about". I don't feel I can even talk that much to my brelatives because, after all, they knew my bmum for her whole life and their grief at the time would have been much more real than mine ever can be. While I was on my trip meeting relatives, my uncle and I started to talk about my bmothers last day (she died from a heart attack at 39 - it was instant) and I started to silently cry and he sensed it. I gruffly said "Oh I always cry when I hear about people dying suddenly". He probably thinks I am hardhearted LOL. I just have to deal with it all myself really, though it is nice to talk to people on this site.
caths1964
I suspect if I did talk to any of my arelatives about how I feel, they response would be "get over it, you never knew her, you have nothing to be upset about". I don't feel I can even talk that much to my brelatives because, after all, they knew my bmum for her whole life and their grief at the time would have been much more real than mine ever can be.
Hi Ripples,
Thanks for the link. I have just registered.
I think the reason I feel a bit hypocritical is that when I first got my birth certificate, I didn't go looking for my bmother because I didn't want to disturb her life (I assumed she would be happily married with lots of children, sadly not realising she has already passed away by then) and then I never really thought about her that much for the next 25 years. Then out of boredom, I looked up her name on the internet and discovered her name (and her parents names) on a cemetery site. Even then, I was only slightly disappointed. It wasn't really until a few years later when I got a copy of some family history books and saw a picture that it hit home. Now that I have met the family and found out more about her life and seen pictures, it is more upsetting. Having said that, I am probably just as upset about sad things that happened in her life as I am about never meeting her.
I have found that posting on these sites has helped a lot and there are some very kind people that I have spoken to on this site.
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caths1964
Now that I have met the family and found out more about her life and seen pictures, it is more upsetting. Having said that, I am probably just as upset about sad things that happened in her life as I am about never meeting her.
I know what you mean about the "happy life". It is like if I was purely unselfish, I would want her to have forgetten about me but as I am a normal human being, I want her to have thought about me. Yet, I conversely feel guilty thinking that because thinking about me would have caused her pain. So you can't win!
Also, I agree that the bit about bparents moving on. I always assumed that if my mother married, she would be too busy with her new family. Also the fictional image portrayed in books doesn't help. Whenever you read books (especially crime ones) where there is an incidental adoptee, they always seem to be blackmailing their birth mothers whose greatest fear seems to be their child finding them lol. Not very encouraging!
AMommy2Two
It's scarey to share my children with the bmom's who gave birth to them; but it would be harder for me to see my child struggling and afraid to talk to me about their adoption issues. There is always a fear that the child might bond with their bparents more then you. But fear is only fear.
LRose1
It would have been different if they had taken a genuine interest in getting to know my bmom and her family, but I really felt like they were there to make sure I wasn't having too much fun, or bonding with them too much.
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I had lots of talks with my aparents BEFORE I met my birthmother, to the point where I was thinking "wow, they're going to be totally ok with this!" but time has passed and the dialogue has slowed (or stopped). So I think you're right, I should initiate some refresher talks. I haven't been straightforward and actually told my aparents exactly what I posted about earlier- that I think they're worried about me bonding too much with them.. and that me bonding with my birth family doesn't take anything away from what I have with them. Again, we did talk about that before I met my bmom.. but things are different now, so I'll start that conversation again.