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We are matched with a wonderful emom. We adore her already. Our social worker suggested we bring gifts to our first meeting. Emom was bringing her other children so I bought some toys and snacks they could play with while we had time to talk as well as a Starbucks card to honor her as their mother.
The SW also mentioned more sentimental gifts we can give after she sign relinquishments. I frequent another board specific to my agency and all the firstmoms over there say no gifts until after the revocation is up (7 days in my state and mom and I both want direct placment). I've done a search here but most posts are old.
So ladies, I defer to you. Is it appropriate to give a token of our committment to her and her family after relinquishments are signed? We'd like an open adoption but emom wants semi-open. I would love to hear how you felt if you did/or did not receive something and why you would recommend one way or another. Thanks in advance.
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We had a baby born situation and that was the first time we met and talked with bmom. We gave her a hand-written card and gift card when we met. In our situation, it was pretty certain she would sign but that never really entered into it for us. It was a gift for her and what she had been through and if she changed her mind I would still want her to have it.
We have a semi-open adoption as well and have never seen bmom since DD was born. So keep in mind you may not see the bmom for awhile after the birth, if at all.
I also think giving her a gift once she signs the relinquishments could be thought of as a payment for her to sign? Maybe-just my thought. Also we had no idea when our bmom actually signed the relinquishments (I guess she actually disappeared for awhile unbeknownst to us) so you may not be aware of when this happens and I think you for sure would not be present.
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I think it's pretty normal for there to be a small gift after the child is relinquished--many APs give something like a necklace with the child's birthstone, an idea which I've always liked, or something else related to the baby. I did get small gifts from the APs when we met and when I relinquished, but since I disliked both of them, I don't think they'd be a useful example. ;)
Our agency encouraged gifts at meeting and at placement. Gifts for the emom, not as payment for adoption. For example when we met an emom, we might give her lotions/spa stuff - stuff that a pregnant woman might enjoy - something to help her feel beautiful and good. Something you might give your sister who was pregnant and needed to feel loved.
At placement, we gave something more meaningful. I knew one loved pearls, so we gave her a pearl and diamond pendant. One we gave a diamond necklace - simple - like $100 to $200 - not thousands of dollars. Something to honor her as a mother.
I know of one couple who gave an expensive bracelet, and then when the mom changed her mind and decided to parent her baby, they wanted the bracelet back. Nope. Nope. Nope. The gift is for HER. Not for for thanking her for giving you her baby. Because she's not doing it for you. She's doing it for her baby.
So give something meaningful, but not extravagant. Something to let her know she matters. Something that you would not regret giving if she changed her mind.
Our friends knew their bmom loved to scrapbook, so they gave her a scrapbook and a gift card to a scrapbooking store.
More important than the gift is your respect and love. Keep sending her pictures and letters. Love her/your child with all your heart, be the best parent you can be.
And respect her decision to have a semi-open adoption. If you want it more open, offer that as a standing offer, and then let her decide if/when she wants that. Don't try to talk her into it, or keep mentioning it. She needs to do what is best for her child, and what is best for her, without feeling like she is failing at a birthmother.
Congratulations on the possibility of a baby! Fun stuff!
I love Juliana's post, and wanted to add something to mine: make sure that any gifts are about her or about the baby or both. The reason I was unhappy about what they gave me at the relinquishment isn't because I was expecting anything elaborate--or anything at all!--but because they picked something they would like that had nothing to do with me (and that I actually find pretty tacky). I've also heard of giving a nice, empty photo album at relinquishment and then sending pictures to fill it.
I already know what I want to get her. She has a tatoo with each of her kids names in the same shape. I got the feeling that she would not put the new baby's name on it (just a feeling). The tatoo is specific and I want to find that same shape on a necklace for the babies birthstone. That way if she chooses to parent, it will be with her until she adds to her tatoo, and if she places, she'll have the option to wear the necklace as an alternative to the tatoo if she'd like.
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We gave our bmom a card, stuffed angel, and a necklace on the day she signed the papers which was prior to the risk period ending. I felt it was that it was the right time since it wa after she spent one on one time with the little guy before we left the agency. So I have to agree about giving a gift prior to the relinquishment period ending.