Is There An Obligation?

I would think it would be common courtusy. I am sorry that they didn't share with you. That's just rude.

quite honestly, I don't know if there is one. the communication levels are so personal OA to OA. if we had a life altering event in our home (more likely another child, or taking in a foster), T would be the last person I'd think of to tell. It wouldn't be personal. Itsbecause - as someone I don't hear from for moths at a time, she's not on my radar YMMV

We have a semi-open adoption. Right now I try to e-mail bmom updates but have only gotten one response from her. I always include big events in our life because they are also what's going on in DD's life. I have never thought about it as an obligation but it just seems like a no brainer to me that she would want a picture of what DD is going through in life.

It's only human to feel left out and hurt by this. However, I don't think that there is any obligation to share information with you. Their obligation is to parent M as best they can. Their responsibilities are solely with her, not really with you. That doesn't mean they shouldn't tell you... only that they aren't obligated to do so. Our son was adopted from foster care, and his mom popped in out of the blue recently. We have no obligation to her at all, as her rights were terminated 10 years ago, along with her 2 other kids at the time. We still called to give her a vague update with him so that she wasn't waiting for a call that it wasn't healthy for him to be making at this stage of his life.

But within the context of an open adoption where there HAS been an agreement of sharing information both ways? I think the question refers to a moral obligation within that context. It always always comes back to "your rights were terminated, period." But I think (not trying to speak for you so correct me if I'm wrong Brandy!) she is beyond that very obvious point and asking to consider what kind of ongoing moral obligation for sharing events exists within a mutually agreed upon open adoption?

Our OA is generally much different than the ones I read about here...I think it'd be hard for most to understand. At any rate - Heidi has it right. I also disagree that their obligation lies only with parenting M - they have a certain obligation to our open adoption and I have gone out of my way to honor that - including opening my home to her and her mother when she decided to leave and file for divorce as well as sharing personal, life altering events that happen in my life.As I said - our situation is different than those I read about here on the forums - including the fact that she's well into her teens, making decisions on her own and of course, the major difference being that this was not a foster care situation - I've never abused or neglected anyone nor have I had my rights removed against my will.Naturally, I take offense to having my situation compared to those which involve birth parents in open adoption who abuse, neglect or abandon their children to the point of losing their rights...Again - a complicated situation - I guess I wasn't really looking for feedback, I was looking for validation - because I know they have an obligation...naturally that would explain my rather emotionally (and borderline explosive) response to the responses posted.Sorry - I'm just peeved.

Brandy, Havent posted much here lately, but I wanted to jump in to say that you are absolutely justified in your feelings. YouҒve gone above and beyond; as far as I know the boundaries that have been breached have been on their sideI think you have every right to feel hurt and frustrated that you werenŒt given the respect of a heads up. It must be so frustrating. BTW...interesting, isn't it, that someone always has to try to compare a voluntary infant adoption to a situation where a child was removed. I would have never guessed that would be the case when I was in the "you're so strong and doing the best thing" phase...but I digress. (((Hugs)))

Brandy, If I were in your shoes, I would feel deeply hurt. I know how much you've helped M's amom in the past, including opening your home to her. You would think that with everything you've done for that family, including giving financial assistance, they would at least inform you of the big stuff. I am also offended at the comparison of your situation with bmoms who didn't voluntarily relinquish, but rather lost their kids to CPS. You're a great mom in every sense of the word....

Yes, I think there is a moral obligation when a life-altering event takes place. And, yes, you are completely justified in feeling this way. The bottom line is that in any relationship news like this needs to be shared.

I was attempting to be very clear and honest with the YMMV and "honestly it wouldn't enter my mind" in that I was speaking from my perspective only. Yes, Brandy.. you are totally entitled to how you feel. It must be frustrating to be lumped with all first/bio/other moms. In the same way, I struggle with being lumped with all adoptive/second/other moms. It can be difficult to see someone suggest I owe more than I agreed to. When I see the question - is there an obligation to share life altering events, I can only see my perspective. I would not think to. But then again, neither would my other mom should she get married. Our contract states we must notify of moves - nothing else I'm trying to wade through all the ramifications of what I personally signed up for and what I "should" be doing. Questions of what's obligated trigger that I'm an overly analytical person. My 10 page OA agreement spells out both sides obligations. Not trying to be cold, but written contracts always supercede oral agreements or assumptions. When we get into discussions of morality, those are judgements that only serve to lessen communication It seems like there are two threads here. thread one - Brandy is upset and deserves to be able to vent and be validated in her feelings. Again, I'd probably be upset if i were in your shoes. So sooo have the right to express that and resolve it with the other parents. thread 2 - what do adoptive parents owe the BIO parents. That loaded question is bound to get push back as it hits too many nerves from people on my side of the fence. I'm very sorry you were hurt

Woah... I made no comparison of the two situations leading to adoption, only trying to show that it is possible for an adoptive parent to do the RIGHT thing regardless of what the OBLIGATORY facets may be. I have even less connection to T's bio parents than in this situation, but we STILL made a phone call when a major event happened that we felt she should know about. I just wanted to support the fact that although I believe that there is no obligation to report to the bio parents, that doesn't mean that the bio parents shouldn't be involved. Look at the over-reactions involved here, on the internet... and imagine why adoptive parents may sometimes be hesitant to contact a bio parent. Sometimes we get attacked no matter what we do.

I completely agree. To compare biological parents whose rights have been terminated by CPS and disappear for months at a time to birthmothers who have voluntarily placed their child in an agreed upon open adoption is offensive to me as well. As an adoptive parent. Brandy - In my opinion you have every right to expect to have been told about the upcoming marriage. I know that the whole situation has been difficult (to put it mildly) but yes, I do agree that they do/did have an obligation to tell you.

Brandy, I don't know too much about your situation but I know that you were very close to your daughter's parents at one time. In that way, your OA sounds a lot like mine. In my case, I would ABSOLUTELY feel obligated to tell S any important info that would affect his life. We have a very warm close relationship but I would hope that even if our relationahip soured that I would honor the basic principles of our OA. Let me take this out of the realm of adoption for a moment. A friend of ours remaried after a tough divorce. He did not tell his ex-wife that he was marrying. Instead, he left it up to his 2 children (ages 7 and 8) to tell her after they attended the ceremony. I thought that was a terrible terrible idea. He harbored so much anger toward her that he didn't see it my way. He felt no "obligation" to tell her anything about his life since she left him (for another woman...but that's another story!)

It's a hard line, Brandy. I'm lucky in that Dee does tell me things that are big and life-altering. However, I'm not always first on her list to tell those things. And, sometimes, I am told after the decisions have been made and they are working toward whatever goal they are working toward. That said, a marriage is a big, big thing and, yes, I was told almost immediately after Dee got engaged. I am very thankful for that, that she has always been open and honest with me. Just recently, they made some other big decisions and she actually apologized that she didn't tell me ASAP but that things happened very quickly. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is a fine and hard line for all parties. The adoptive parents on how much they share and when and things like obligation. And the birth parents on the understanding side of it, of accepting that maybe you won't always be told right away.It's much easier in theory, no?

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