? for Firstmothers -- how could someone have helped you keep your baby?

I've been called worse than dismissive and rude -- so, it's all good... I don't take back what I said -- as I said it. I won't take responsiblity for how it's interpreted... Neither my original post or my comment was directed you,Brandy... but if you feel better by calling me rude, whatever.... I didn't call anyone names, but if it makes you feel better to be dismissive of me, okay.

epenn, I would encourage you to reread what I said - I never called you anything. I said the language and the statements were rude and dismissive...not the person making them.Please, don't put words in my mouth.

Honestly, I kind of felt like it was a little dismissive too, but didn't say anything at first because I did not place a child. I felt like I was on the wrong side of the triad to have an opinion. However, I know many first moms. Several of them are older and still feel like placing thier children was the best thing for the children. I have only met one ever who felt like they had "gotten rid of that child". That was a woman who was raped and later met her son, who was in prison for rape and murder and was psychotic. She was very glad, she did not raise that child. However, most of the first mom's that I have talked to (I spoke to many before I adopted because I wanted to handle things right for my kids) placed thier children because they honestly thought it was the best thing for the child and many of them who are older now still feel it was the best thing. One lady is in her 80's now. So when I read your comment I felt like you were saying that these women I know who still feel it was the best thing are in some sort of denial and will change thier minds one day or that they don't have feelings for thier children or something. I also know some who regret it and would have parented if they had some help. However, every single one I know, except for the one mentioned above loves thier child, even the ones who have not be reunited. The ones who still feel it was the best decision are not young, though many were at the time. They have all had the decades you mention to think about it and still feel the same way. I can accept if you don't feel it was the best thing for your child, but I did feel like you were implying that people like my friends and Brandy were in denial, or lying or or just hadn't figured things out yet. I don't really think that's what you meant, but that's how it came across. Maybe you just have not met very many first moms who do feel like it was the best thing in thier situation, so maybe it's a surprise to you that some feel that way, but I will testify that Brandy is not the only one out there. She is unique, but not because of that, LOL

which words were the dismissive and rude ones so that I can refrain from using them again?

I would have kept my daughter (Or at least played a larger role in her life) if I had family support, and if my own mother hadn't lied to me throughout the entire process.

How could someone have helped you keep your baby? Hmmm, such a good question. For me, it would be having been offered/informed of other options and the support/encouragement to explore them. Absolutely NOBODY ever told me that I had any other options! Not even that after he was placed that I had 21 days to change my mind and in my mind that is simply a violation of my legal rights!

momraine, Can I ask where you found all of these older mothers to meet with who were willing to talk about their relinquishment and their feelings? I am honestly curious, because before my son found me and we reunited I was almost completely unable to speak about my experience. I was paralyzed and ashamed as were many mothers of my generation,. I had NEVER met another mother who volunteered that she had relinquished. Never. So I wonder how you can met these older mothers who relinquished and are willing to talk openly about their experience, especially if they are not in reunion? Also, for me, I WAS in denial and thought that adoption was a good thing for my son, until I met my son. Meeting him opened the flood gates for all my repressed feelings of love and regret, and I have gotten to see the loss and grief of my son, an adoptee that I love, first hand, and the damage that loss and grief has done in his life. I felt like I had been submerged in water and was finally surfacing, and that I had unknowingly lived my life on hold until the moment that I laid eyes on my son. As a mother who relinquished in the closed adoption era, I personally believe that a mother CANNOT know the depths of her feelings until she has experienced reunion. If your experience with your child is frozen with them as an infant, you cannot fathom what it is like for them until you meet them. You cannot experience the depth of your loss until your child looks you in the eyes with eyes inherited from you. I am not being dismissive, I am discussing what I and 100s of mothers I have met through my support groups the last 10 years have experienced. Reunion after a closed adoption awakens a sleeping giant whose name is remorse, grief and intense loss. Was I in the deepest of DENIAL? Absolutely. Were so many of the mothers I know who are in reunion in the deepest of denial? Absolutely, and they scream that from the rooftops now (and are then told they are bitter and anti-adoption). I would have sworn adoption was a good thing for my son until I heard his voice. Then the floodgates of knowledge opened and everything changed. Those mothers who have had an open adoption or even a semi-open adoption have not had the experience of having to live with no knowledge of their child for decades. It is an apples and oranges discussion as far as I'm concerned. I am sure mothers in open and semi-open adoptions don't experience denial in the way that mothers of the closed adoption era did, where we were told to forget and move on by a society that told us we were worthless and shameful and denied our motherhood, our worth in our child's lives, and our loss. We went into denial automatically, in order to mentally survive our loss. I didn't know I was in denial. That's the beauty of denial!! It is a protective mechanism we use to save us and allow us to survive a devastating experience. Those older mothers singing the praises of adoption - who knows if they are in denial? THEY CERTAINLY DON'T KNOW, and neither do you or I!! Talk to them again after reunion, and maybe they will be telling a different story. --------- To the OP, As far as what could have helped me keep my child - a smaller helping of shame and a larger helping of information about parenting and HONESTY from the adoption agency masquerading as a family services agency, who plied their trade with tricks and lies. I was days from graduation at the top of my class. I came from a middle class family. We weren't criminals, abusers, drug users or any other negative thing. I was very naive and very ashamed (why I don't know, because I was date raped and dumped by my boyfriend - he was the one who should have been ashamed). The adoption agency saw me coming a mile away and steered me exclusively towards adoption. Shame on them too. As a family we needed love and emotional support, and that would have gotten us through. That could have saved my son and I from decades of loss and pain.

I have been keeping an eye on this thread, wanting to respond but it has been very difficult for me....Just saying the question outloud to myself...."How could someone have helped you keep your baby?" brings me to tears. Mostly because there was NOTHING that anyone could have done or said that would have made keeping my baby a viable option. With the exception of splitting myself in two. Sixteen years ago at the age of 20, I was a single mom to my homeraised son under 2 years old. I was a high school drop out, on welfare, disfunctional family with no support, and no light visable at the end of the tunnel. My son was born prematurely and had/has alot of medical issues. My days were/are spent with physiotherapy, occupational theray, speach therapy, travelling out of province to see specialists, on and on. People used to say to me "Wow, you never stop....how do you do it?". I would answer, "I can't stop because if I do, I will never be able to get started again.".....In the morning I would drag myself out of bed exhausted and at night I would fall into bed exhausted. I had nothing left, nothing ;( Then, I found myself pregnant again, by the same father. I kept this pregnancy a "secret"....I knew what support I already had in my life which was basically non-existant and sharing my "secret" would not have changed anything. Except maybe a few condesending comments but no help for sure! I LOVE my daughter without a doubt... from day ONE!!!! I could have fed and clothed her.....but she deserved more than that, more than I could have given her, so much more than being a part of my disfunctional family offered. I certainly did not want her to be a "mini-parent" to her brother or a "helper" for me. So the answer to "How could someone have helped you keep your baby" for me, the answer is CLONING. (LOL) OP- I just wanted to add that the idea of reaching out to emoms and offering support to explore the option of keeping the babies is awesome!!!! I'm sure there are emoms and babies that would benefit from this type of resource. Good Luck to you!

I wish that I had been more educated on adoption when I was going through the process of making a decision. I had no idea there was such a wealth of information online about these issues. In all honesty, I never even thought to look. My mother was so eager to have me talk to other people who had positive experiences with adoption that it made me resistant to anything and everything "adoption". I developed an attitude of "This is my decision and my experiences are going to be different than theirs anyways so it doesn't matter". Which for the most part is true but if I could have been more open to other people's stories it might have helped me make a more educated decision. I also wish someone had been real with me about the pain I would feel. Everyone I talked to kept telling me what a "selfless" decision it would be and how much they admired me and how it would be better for the baby and I would be able to go on to finish college and pursue my dreams...etc. Noone ever explained how much it would hurt. I didn't realize his absence would forever be a constant presence. I didn't know the pain would never completely go away. I truly believed I would be better and I could just go on with my life as if I had never gotten pregnant. I was sorely mistaken. Noone ever told me these things.

Hi, I'm late to the thread, but new to the forum. I was so touched by the title of this thread, I thought it was the best place to jump in. What could have been done for me? Good question. I was 15 when I got pregnant, 35 years ago. Sounds like a long time, but it feels like yesterday. I was in my first ever relationship, a very serious one. And I got pregnant the first time we.. well.. you know. Had no clue about it, but when I knew, I wanted the baby. I went to yard sales and bought baby clothes, and figured we'd get married when he turned 18. Lived at home with my Mom, and he had upstanding parents who were rather ashamed by the whole thing. And that's when it unraveled. They started putting pressure on him to talk me out of keeping her. My Mom, who I have finally come to realize hates children, did not want a baby in the house, so she started working on me. She said "we can't afford IT." Then my homeschool teacher, the doctor, everyone seemed to suddenly have a friend who was looking for a baby. 15, and suddenly even my boyfriend was rethinking it. I would have been happy just to have my baby, and not even marry him. What would have helped me? Counseling! Someone who would sit down with me and say "you may hurt for the rest of your life if you do this." Everyone tells you it's for her own good because she can be raised by rich people, but as you get older you may realize that family is more important than anything. But no one tells you that. They make it sound like you're giving a puppy away to a good home. The lack of oversight for the emotional well-being of the birthmother is sorely lacking. So perhaps having people who are objective talking to you. I think that counseling should be mandatory for any adoption. And many women and girls will still choose it, and that's fine for them. But the worst thing is when you're a young girl, and every adult with influence in your life is pushing you. Well. I'd say counseling, being given the full story on adoption, would help. And it would be helpful if people didn't try to make you out like Joan of Arc for giving your baby up, it's only one part of the story.

Brittani, I am sorry you are in pain...as a mother I get that. Hang in there...it won't get better, but you at least know what it is and will learn to cope. My daughter has been with me, as that missing part for almost 30 years. Pain is something I am familiar with.

My rights were terminated, so my answer to that question would be if someone had listened to me and believed me when I said that my ex-husband was abusive and manipulative, and understood how abuse/abusers work, that physical violence is just part of the power/control wheel, frequently just used as a last resort. I wanted back up in getting out of that marriage- instead I got a safety plan where it was MY responsibility to make sure no domestic violence happened, which basically meant not trying to leave him or demand he do his fair share of housework or anything else that would piss him off. He threatened that if I left him, he would testify against me in court to make sure I lost the kids- and when that threat seemed to be losing power, he intentionally got the children removed while I was at work, knowing the ASFA clock had run out and that my chances of getting them back would be very low. If I had known I'd lose them anyhow even though I did everything I was supposed to, I would have signed them over to their former foster mother. Instead, because I fought for them, I have no rights, and they're being adopted by their father's sister, who was very supportive of him abusing me, and refuses to have any contact with me at all, and I feel like I don't have any rights, like I don't even count as a person, more like a slave or a cow or a dog, like my babies can just be sold, and I was notified via voicemail. My kids are 5 & 8, they remember me, this is traumatic for them too, but the only people they're allowed contact with were in favor of the TPR- and when the adoption is final, will reunite my kids with their father, because he's a great guy and is careful not to leave bruises. I've read through lots of other cases, and I wish there was a very different mentality, more "it takes a village to raise a child" than "cut the baby in two"- which is kind of what happens to children old enough to have bonded with their bio parents, losing a loved one is traumatic, no matter how old you are, no matter if the loved one is perfect enough or not. I know that my life would be much harder/more stressful now if I was trying to raise my children as a single mother, even with the wonderful support network I have, but it would be better for my kids not to have had me yanked out of their lives. I envision a world in which all of us could have sat down together and talked about what would be best for the kids, consider all possibilities, and come up with a plan that would have given them stability and permanency without any major loss.

Eomaia, I remember you from a couple years ago. I am so sorry you lost your children. I know you love them very, very much. You're in my thoughts and prayers, as are the children. P.S. Is your son still into dinosaurs? I always loved reading your stories about his latest dinosaur obsession.

I gave birth in 1970 when adoptions were all closed. I (like too many others) were told about the better life we were giving our child (in their opinion emotionally and financially), and we were told to just go home and that we would forget all about it. Ironic to believe that all of the highly educated people believed that "crap." This type of statement doesn't even tell the birth mom that she has a reason or a right to grieve the loss. What loss! We weren't even told we had a loss to grieve. I know teen pregnancies are not "hidden" like they were when I was pregnant, so I am assuming (and hoping) there has been a lot of improvement in all areas of the adoption process. But this, of course, is only an assumption. All my comments here are only based on my experiences. I believe there have always been options on how to keep your baby (i.e., welfare assistance, furthering of education for purpose of a job, education on how to take care of a child), but we were not told about any of them. It was very damaging to the birth mom who was not told about the options that were available to her in the event she wanted to try to keep her baby. Just as or even more damaging was that NO ONE was offered counseling so the birth mom could have dealt with her loss. Why would the "system" think of offering counseling on something they were all taught and firmly believed was best dealt with silently and quickly. I am a birth mom in reunion since June of 2009. My daughter has been a speaker on adoption panels, and was a social worker for the system for over 16 years, and is now in her last year of law school. I am very grateful she is as educated as she is, and that she fully understands how the "system" neglected to see that the birth moms suffered a lot in the process they created. For the person who started this thread - I apologize if you feel I have gotten off base with my response. To summarize it directing my answer strictly on "how to keep your baby," I firmly believe all birth moms should be told of all assistance programs available to make it possible to keep her baby, and she should also be counseled whether she is choosing to keep or relinquish her parental rights. :grouphug: Blessings to those who have placed their child, and to those who are now considering the same.:wings:

Thanks...I stopped coming here after someone commented that they'd found my blog and I'd posted about *gasp* getting carded while buying beer, and they said something implying that I was a horrible mother for going out clubhopping and getting drunk when I should be working to get my kids back. Uh, no, I was buying seasonal micro-brew beer by the case on clearance at the grocery store, $12 is plenty to last me for months, and it's just not possible to work on RU 24/7, sometimes you need to relax and enjoy little luxeries- which for me, having a beer is one of those. But of course, I'm a bio-parent so people manage to assume the worst about every little detail. Right now, I'm dealing with it from the guy I'm sort of seeing, he used to work for a DHS-related agency and can't understand how I lost my kids when he's seen drug-addicts get chance after chance- but he's not seeing me like they do, and he's spent more time with me than anyone involved in the case did. As of my last visit in March, V was still very into dinosaurs, I gave him a dragon blanket and a Prehistoric Sea Monsters kit (because he'd been asking for sea monkeys), along with pictures, and prints of my hands. I tried to send him a Mosasaur tooth, a trilobite, and "How do Dinosaurs say I Love You?" at my ex-MIL's for his birthday, but she donated the card (unopened) and the books to the Salvation Army, and I don't know if she donated the fossils, gave them to him, or just thought they were rocks and tossed them out. She'd told me I could send him a birthday present.