How come my birth mom isn't looking for me?

I'm going to assume that you were born in 1983? My son was born in 1985. I was forced into a closed adoption situation. I was told that I was supposed to forget about him and move on. I was told that I was not ALLOWED to look for him. Fortunately, a couple of years ago, I looked anyway. There are a lot of reasons why your mom hasn't put her info up on the internet. She might be scared, she might be afraid that you don't WANT to know who she is. She may have not told people in her life. You might want to read 'The Girls Who Went Away'. It can be a real eye opener as to what a lot of us went through, even if it was after the baby snatch era. I'm sure she thinks of you, I'm sure she wonders how you are. Please don't take it personally, there is so much more tied up in this whole crapola... I wasn't going to search until I'd read from adoptees like you, wondering why their moms weren't searching. I'm so glad I did. Good luck! (ps, you can look for her as well! I used the agency that my son was adopted through, they would have helped him find me as well. A lot of mothers don't want to interfere and hope their children look for them...)

I had a semi-open adoption and communicated with my son and his family through my agency, although we did not share identifying information. Even in those circumstances, I only very passively suggested after he was grown, that I was open to further contact, perhaps directly. I was scared to death to come right out and say "hey, I want to open this up" as I felt I would be interfering and it should be my son's decision and choice if he wanted to be openly known to me. This was before I started coming on these boards. I had no idea so many adoptees wanted their natural moms to search. My son eventually provided me with his identifying information and we have since been trying to reconnect. I'm glad he actually made the first move, as I was too afraid of being intrusive, interfering, and that he would think I was being controlling or taking away his control of the matter. Although there are many adoptees that long to be sought out, there are probably just as many who want to be the ones to initiate contact, so there is really no way of knowing what is "right. Also, everyone's readiness and timing is usually different. Finally, when you relinquish your rights to your child, it really does a number on you, whether it was voluntary or not. You no longer have any legal rights in terms of your child and just because your child comes of age, that doesn't mean that all of a sudden, you will feel entitled to search. Some natural moms do, but many do not. I think in most cases, they are too afraid of disrupting their child's life, or if they don't know for sure if their child was told they were adopted, they are afraid of them finding out through the contact. It could also be they are afraid of upsetting the adoptive parents, too. There are any number of reasons. Some mothers may also not want to reconnect. That is a possibility. Just as some adoptees may not have a want or a need to search or be found. Another possibility is that even in this day and age, there are people who are not very computer literate or don't have the resources or know-how to do a search. I know it is not an easy thing to do, by any means, and it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there, but you really won't know any answers as to why your birth mom isn't looking for you unless and until you can reconnect. It could be any number of reasons, but I wouldn't automatically assume it's because she doesn't care or doesn't want to find you. Although anything is possible, if I had to lay odds on it, I'd say she is scared to search or afraid of disrupting your life.

My bmom had a few chances to access my info, and choose not to. She was afraid I didn't know I was adopted, that I wouldn't want contact, and several other things. I've come to realize that even though she decided not to search, she wanted to be found. Mine felt she was still doing the right thing by me, no matter what her wishes were. Yours may feel the same.

Im a birthmother, my daughter will soon be 11. It was a private adoption. I never met the adoptive parents but they gave me the option, I declined. I was also given the option to receive yearly pictures and or letters but declined that also. I felt and still feel that I made the decision to give her up for adoption and that was the last of any decisions I had any right to make. I feel all decisions are now the rights of her parents and her. I DO hope she one day wants to meet me but I think I'd also understand if she didn't. I just wanted her to have as normal a life as possible, her and her parents. My situation is probably not common though so.... I made the decision that I would leave a reunion completely up to her and I will stick to that decision. There's not a day (and usually not an hour) that goes by that I don't think of her and her parents. I think about what she looks like, how she's doing in school, if she has any new siblings, if she inherited any of "me" etc... She lives in New York so anytime I see or hear in the news or elsewhare of anything going on there my ears cling to the TV. When 9/11 occurred her and her family were on my mind every second for months! I love her and WANT to meet her and know about her I just don't feel I have the right to force anything on her or into her life!

Im a birthmother, my daughter will soon be 11. It was a private adoption. I never met the adoptive parents but they gave me the option, I declined. I was also given the option to receive yearly pictures and or letters but declined that also. I felt and still feel that I made the decision to give her up for adoption and that was the last of any decisions I had any right to make. I feel all decisions are now the rights of her parents and her. I DO hope she one day wants to meet me but I think I'd also understand if she didn't. I just wanted her to have as normal a life as possible, her and her parents. My situation is probably not common though so.... I made the decision that I would leave a reunion completely up to her and I will stick to that decision. There's not a day (and usually not an hour) that goes by that I don't think of her and her parents. I think about what she looks like, how she's doing in school, if she has any new siblings, if she inherited any of "me" etc... She lives in New York so anytime I see or hear in the news or elsewhare of anything going on there my ears cling to the TV. When 9/11 occurred her and her family were on my mind every second for months! I love her and WANT to meet her and know about her I just don't feel I have the right to force anything on her or into her life!

I am a bmother... Don't give up. My son is 28 and I am just starting to look. I always felt that because I gave him up I didn't have the right to search for him. I always thought that I should leave that choice up to him. But now I know that maybe that wasn't right. I should make it easy for him to find me. It took me 28 years & I just to started looking. Don't give up! I hope he doesn't or hasn't given up on me.

She may be, and doesn't know the best way to search. I am helping a birth mother trying to find her daughter, born 5-7-82, in Milford, CT and given up for adoption as an infant, and not having much luck. Starting to suspect that daughter doesn't know she was adopted, or just hasn't been looking for birth family. I never looked until after my adopted parents had both passed away, for fear of seeming ungrateful.

If you are a white female, born 5-7-82 in Milford CT and given up for adoption as an infant, your mother is looking for you. Please send me an email at: oldtimer11@live.com and I will send you her contact information

I am a birth mother.. we were told that we could never ever look for our children we gave up that right... If you wantd to find us .. you would look for us.. but we couldn't look for you... I don't know of a mother who didn't say a prayer when she signed the papers that their child would find a wonderful home with a mother and father that would love them as much as they did... Your birth mother GAVE UP ALL OF HER RIGHTS to you.. I know I wanted to find my daughter for so many years but I didn't know if she knew she was adopted.. I never wanted to interfere with her life... I just wanted to know that she was OK and I wanted her to know that I loved her so much I had to do what was best for her... I'm older and the years were passing by... I tried every way I could to find her ... and nothing... I figured maybe she didn't want to find me... then I found a search angel and she was able to find her.... it took me years before I decided to take the next step and make contract with her... That was almost a year and a half ago.... ours has been one of the grestest stories ever and keeps getting better all the time... She now knows who she is .... and we were even able to find her father... now she is complete ... She kept asking me the same question ... what took me so long to find her... Just remember ... your mother loved you so much she gave you life... loved you so much ... she gave you up .... don't give up on her... There are search angels that can help you and will... Let me know if I can help in any way... My love and prayers are with you... and your mother ... may you two find each other ... and fill complete...

Bonni I want to thank you for responding and for what you said. Also thank you to anyone else who took the time to respond. I'm sorry I have a 2ye old and a 4ye old so I very rarely get to come on. Bonni, I am definitely going to try a Search Angel. Let me as you,do you think she thinks about me? It's been almost 28 years. Maybe she decided not to think about the adoption. Also I always wonder if she cried the last time she saw me in the hospital. I wonder this stuff all the time. Thank you again. I look forward to hearing what your opinion is on those things. Xoxo

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes your birth mom's heart was broken when she walked away from you... but she gave you part of her heart to carry with you for ever.. Just think of your own children.... how much love your birth mom had for you to be able to walk away and know there was a good chance she would never see you again ... I never ever ever stopped loving my daughter and wondering is she happy... is she loved .... does she even know about me... will I ever meet her... will she look for me ... Your birth mom had to give up her rights to ever look for you... We were told you would be able to find us if YOU wanted to... Contact a search angel let them help you... and when you find her.. let them make the first contact for you... and be perpared ... for the good or the bad... You don't know why she gave you up.... Give her time ... She never thought she would ever hear from you... step at a time... go slow ... it is worth it... Excited for you... Love and prayers are with you both....

I had a daughter born in 1978, and it was stressed to me that the adoption was closed, closed, closed. I put myself on every reunion site I could find, but didn't feel I had the right to do more than that (like private detectives or anything like that...) to find her because I had no right to look for her. I waited more than 2 years after she turned 18 before she went looking, but she said she found me on the first reunion site she checked (after seeing a 20/20 piece on adoption that focused on that reunion site). Your birthmom might not be looking, but that doesn't mean it's because she doesn't/didn't want you. I wish you all the best! Soprano

After reading so many posts in the last week (forsaking the rest of my life), I've found one unfailing truth.If she loved you enough to give birth to you, and want a life for you better than she could give, then she absolutely does still love and think about you.As a birth mom, I have no idea whether Kelsey knows she's adopted... whether she had a good life... whether she's angry at me... if she ever thinks about me... if she thinks horrible things about me...I think there is also a part of me that is embarrassed. I don't have an embarrassing life, but I did give her up for good reasons that I'm ashamed of. I'm afraid of her judgment. I gave her up so that she could be miles ahead of where I was at her age. She likely is. That will bring inferior feelings out in me. How do you deal with feeling like a low life? Definitely reach out to her. Please post an update on your progress. Best of luck.-T