Do We Read Too Much Into Reunion "Pullback"?

Raven, I think we do look at reunion under a microscope instead of reality. I don't communicate with people IRL regulary - they don't live on my schedule - and I don't need to know the day to day details of their life. I like meaty conversations, learning new things, hearing new view points...not what their plans are for the weekend - every weekend. I would rather read articles published around the world on a wide variety of topics - that is what I find fascinating - and in between I like popping in here because adoption is facinating. Combine that with my daily life activities and it can equal long stretches of time between connections. Kind regards,Dickons

Raven, I am BEYOND happy to hear about this development! I know this is in the birthmother forum...but I am a pullbacker myself :(...and maybe I can offer some insight. First of all, I could count on one hand the times my brother has called me within the last year. ONE HAND. So yes, that's less than five times. He is 41 years old. I joke about how I talk more with his wife than with him, and it's true (she is a talker, my brother simply is not!). So you know what, I think it may be partially (or totally) a guy thing! Pullback for me was the moment when I felt I couldn't handle the emotions that were occurring because of my contact with my birthfamily. I was justified, at least in my own mind. I called and told my birthfather why I was going to be absent for a while, but I was very tempted to just disappear. I have the same sort of..complex. For example, my birthfather just cancelled a visit we had planned ( he cant get off from work, and he has to attend a wedding that was just announced). All legitimate reasons..and he seemed genuinly sorry that he couldn't make it. And yet.... I immediately went into "oh my god they hate me" mode. There was no indication of that, not really. And it took me a few days to realize that. And still a part of me is CONVINCED that in between the time when we made the plans and when they canceled, they decided that they collectively would like to ditch me and never talk to me again.... It's easy to let our imaginations get the best of us. But honestly, Raven...it sounds like this might be a guy thing or a personality thing. If he's a little shy or reserved AND a guy, that might be the trouble! The fact that he accepted your friend request and talked to you like normal indicates, at least to me, that this is probably not a pullback thing.

I think, in the beginning of reunion, when emotions are, or can be, so overwhelming, pull back is a very real occurance. However, after a while, and that time length would be different for everyone, I think pull back gets a lot more credit for relationship problems than it's due.

Raven, I totally get what you're saying and I often wonder if many of us are quick to jump into the 'pullback' explanation incorrectly. Maybe it's just life. I think with my son a lot of times he just has nothing to say really. That said, it's EASY for us to get sucked into that. After so many years of being told how we are not worthy, you know?

I agree, Raven, that it is easy to attribute every little thing to "pullback" or have tremendous insecurities when we don't hear from our children. I try, though, to look at other relationships that are not adoption related, or my own relationships, for a bit of a "reality check." For instance, when I was my son's age (28), I was not so interested in communicating or hanging out with my mother that much. I was living my life, dating, going out with friends, being an independent adult, focuse on my job, etc. My brother was even more to himself and like me, a private introvert, but to a greater degree. If my son is anything like me (and I suspect he is), he is likely very private, too, and probably more of an introvert. He is young, building his career, has friends and a girlfriend, is involved in a number of hobbies and sports, and has obligations to his parents and extended family. I often think that his mom probably wishes she heard from him more often or saw him more frequently! In terms of my own life, I need a LOT of downtime. I have some friends who I consider VERY close, who I only see a few times a year, and others, still, who I only talk on the phone with and/or email. My very best friend is a homebody and introvert (way more so than I am even), and I haven't seen her in 8 years or so. And yet, I know she is there for me, she just prefers not to socialize all that much, but will always be there if I call or write, always remembers my birthday, and I know she cares about me very much. Of course, as a mother who lost a child, I long for that connection and would love to have consistent, regular contact with my son. At the same time, I don't think it's always "pullback" if our kids don't call or write for awhile. It could be any number of things, but we probably get more "paranoid" because of our fear of losing them again. Interesting topic, Raven! I'm not sure if the "roller coaster" of reunion is of my own making, at least not in the early stages. I was so completely blindsided by the emotions that came up, it was as if I had absolutely no control over them and they hit me like a tsunami. I would NEVER have expected that to happen and frankly thought I "had it together" enough that when and if we did reconnect, it would be a piece of cake! How naive was that? I think saying reunion roller coaster is of our own making would be like saying the tremendous emotional fallout from relinquishing was of our own making, when in fact, we cuold never anticipate those feelings and how placing our children would truly impact us until we lived it. I think the same is true for reunion. We may make it more complicated, perhaps, by letting it overcome us or not getting support, but I think in and of itself, the "rollercoaster" is definitely real.

Raven it's funny that you brought this up. I last wrote to my BS about a month ago and have heard nothing back from him which is a bit out of the norm for him. We only communicate by email and FB. I have recently been stressing out about him going into "pullback" mode finally. BUT, he is 19 and it is the summer so I totally think I'm guilty of reading too much into it! Dickons you also made me stop and think. I have very close friends that I don't talk to for a week at a time and I'm not offended by that! So why am I freaking out about not hearing from my BS? I think I'm with Just Peachy, I'm totally paranoid he's going to go away! Why do we make ourselves so crazy?!

That's an interesting name for the process. I have known my birth family for approximately 11 years. At first I was immersed. Then I realized you can't turn back the clock and make a relationship that would be the same had decades not passed. It takes time to process. My birth father was the initial contact. My birth mother had a difficult time with my success finding them. I had been looking 40 years. One thing I can tell you is that simple communication takes on magnified proportions. It's overwhelming and sometimes people have to isolate to deal with all of the emotions. Reunion opens a floodgate. It's like a dam bursting. Old unexpressed feelings come out. For both parties. My birth mother had to shut herself down to survive. At least that's how I interpret it. I am agape when I am around them. It's very emotional. Sometimes I have the energy for it and sometimes I don't. It bothers me because I feel that I am always the one initiating contact. I didn't call for awhile just to see if someone on their end would pick up the phone. It took almost a year. Normal testing really. If you feel like talking do it. Don't hesitate and don't imagine that it will be without some pain and grief. It's not all a bed of roses but the truth seldom is.