Advertisements
My son, Shay, came home 3yrs ago from Guatemala. He was 12mos when he came home. He has always been a handful, but I know his heart is good and he has a conscience. Anyway, his tantrums have gotten to the point where he is destroying things, kicking, punching, pounding on walls, doors, etc. When he's not doing this, he is pretty much a good boy. When his rage tantrum starts, he is like jekyl & hide. He becomes a boy I don't even know. I have noticed that this happens most when he is tired/overtired. So today, a few minutes ago, I told him it was naptime and told him to go potty. From there he started punching the toilet lid, and then he kept getting out of his bed and pounding on the door and screaming at the top of his lungs. I went in there three times and led him back to his bed. I was angry, he was angry, etc. Finally, when he stopped, I went in there to pray with him and after we talked... mostly I talked while he begged me not to put him to bed... and told him that because of his violent fit, he will not be going in the pool when we wakes up, which sent him into another crying fit (no violence this time though.) He KNOWS this is how it goes, and I'm sure he was expecting this. He knows cause and effect very well--yet he will not listen to me while he is raging. Does anyone have any suggestions??? We have been doing so good lately. But whenever things are going good and I don't get mad and try to be compassionate, his tantrums are worse and more often AND get more violent. :grr: <-- that is me (I remember that head-banging icon very well, lol.) Sigh... I need some advise. thanks,
Like
Share
Any chance it's food triggered? Might keep a log of what he's eating and when he's raging. My son reacts to some food additives and when we alter his diet, he is much more pleasant.
Can you rock him when he's overtired before he begins raging? Some kids with trauma/neglect backgrounds can't soothe themselves and are bothered by being alone in quiet places which can cause them to rage when in these situations.
If he starts raging or hitting things, can you pick him up and speak softly to him about you being strong enough not to let him hurt himself or anyone else?
If you hadn't gone back into the room, would he have stopped raging? We've kept toys in a common area and rooms just for clothes and sleeping for some kids and that's helped for them to be able to go to their room and calm(other kids it didn't).
You are not alone in this at all. Some kids are just very strong willed. Tough to know what to try and sadly, much of parenting is trial and error. I found keeping journals of tantrums(and before/after behavior) helped me find triggers and patterns thus made finding solutions easier.
Advertisements
I've been exactly where you are now and it's not a fun place to be. Try keeping a log of his tantrums: time of day, what occurred before the tantrum, what seemed to trigger it. You may begin to see a pattern.
For my ds it was never what I thought the trigger was. It wasn't about not getting his way or getting what he wanted. For example one day he had a tantrum in the book store over some markers and a color book. Turns out his teacher was out that day and he was in a different classroom all day with a different routine. He was out of his element and ds thrives on routine and consistency. Throw in the noise and lights in the bookstore and an unexpected stop and he was just looking for something to erupt over. Later he said he didn't even want what he was asking for.
DS does have some mild sensory issues which we have seen so much improvement with since he started OT. The other thing that has helped me manage his emotions and behavior is the book "Raising Your Spirited Child". by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.
Since reading this book and starting OT ds is so much easier to manage. I know why he's acting the way that he is and he's learning to notice when he's feeling out of control and how to ask for help.
Hope that helps a little bit.
BTW we tried a psychologist before OT and it was no help whatsoever. He didn't know himself why he was acting the way he was, so how was he going to communicate that to a stranger???
I'll be happy to answer any specific questions that you may have!
Pure speculation, take it or leave it...
I would consider calmly holding the child on my lap until he calms down. If you cross his arms and hold his wrists up towards his armpits then you can keep the hold with remarkable gentleness. Cross one of your legs over his to keep him from kicking.
Tantrums can come from fear, even fear rooted in infancy that the child doesn't understand. It can even be fear of himself, bad feelings about himself. That could be likely in your case since he is worse, as you say, when you are calm. He may feel the urge to punish himself and he accomplishes it by provoking anger. Having you hold him can make him feel safe, and it can keep you and your property safe too!
One of mine, much older, needed it daily for about a month before he learned to self regulate his anger. One or the other of us would hold him for an hour to an hour and a half at a time before he would finally calm down.
Carla, I'd start by recognizing thatbhe cannot control the rages, and shouldn't necessarily be punished for having one. If he appears bonded, I.e., enjoys attention, likes to be close, etc, then it doesn't sound like RAD. My opininn is that RAD kids are neglected between 12-18 months, no I am NOT a doctor. Was he like this at one and two? Does he remember having the rage, and does he display remorse? Our RAD child could rage for 45 minutes, but then he was completely spent, sometimes sleepy, and went on like the rage event never happened. No remorse, and Virtually no memory. I don't think food has anything to do with the coping mechanisms neglected kids use. Does he have a therapist?
Advertisements
BTW we tried a psychologist before OT and it was no help whatsoever. He didn't know himself why he was acting the way he was, so how was he going to communicate that to a stranger???
I'll be happy to answer any specific questions that you may have!