my 15yr old daughter and open adoption

I hope others respond because I'm not sure I have good advice, but I can see why you'd be concerned. First off, ALL teenagers "act out." And with adopted kids, the teenage years can be even more difficult as they are trying to figure out their identity. It seems as though your amom is wanting to bail on your daughter now that the going is rough, when she needs to be a parent. Legally, amom is responsible for your daughter and I'm not sure passing her along now to live with you is the right thing. I'm wondering why your daughter cannot continue to live with amom and you and she together cannot come up with some healthy and supportive solutions for your daughter. If your daughter lives with you, will amom still be legally responsible for her? Or is she going to relinquish her parental rights back to you (is this even possible)? I think it could possibly be very disruptive for your daughter to now live with you. The "acting out" behaviours aren't going to magically disappear from a change of living situation, and then what? Will she be going back and forth between you and amom? I can totally see why you'd be nervous about this, and also understand that you want to help your daughter and do the best thing for her. I can also understand the desire to have her back in your life with you as her primary caregiver, after the loss of relinquishment, but I also think this could really bring up a lot of complicated issues. Is your daughter getting any sort of counseling? What about amom? And what are these "acting out" behaviours that your daughter is engaging in? I would NOT make any final decisions about this until I got some sound counseling. I would hope amom and your daughter are also getting counseling. You probably feel it's a bad idea because that is your gut telling you something important, and at the same time, you feel wrong about feeling that way because you don't want your daughter to feel "rejected" by you ("again"). This is really a sticky situation. Would it be beneficial for you and your daughter to spend more time together without having her actually move in with you? Just because amom is saying "it's time for her to live with you" doesn't mean you have to go along with it if it doesn't feel right. Do not make any quick/rash decisions here. Is there an adad in the picture? If so, what are his feelings about this?

Okay - I keep coming back to this thread over the past 2 days, trying to figure out what to write. I haven't posted yet, because I really do not know what the right answers are for you. So I will give you my thoughts, and you can take them or leave them. They are more or less random thoughts, but here they are: - I agree with EVERYTHING the previous poster said. - It is exciting to think of a chance to have a closer relationship with your daughter. - There is the added dimension of not wanting her to feel rejection if you decide to NOT let her come live with you. - You are not her parent. Meaning, you are not the one raising her. - I think her coming to live with you is a BAD idea. I think it is potentially damaging for your daughter, for her relationship with her family, and for her relationship with you. - I agree that she and her adoptive parent(s) should be in counseling. - I bet that you love this girl more than life itself, and would do anything for her. But maybe the best thing you can do for her is to support her and her adoptive family as they get counseling and work through this tough time. - Listen to your gut. Don't let anyone talk you into anything that doesn't feel right to you. - Be there for your daughter, in the way she NEEDS you to be. (Which may or may not be the way she or her mother or even you WANT you to be.) Good luck. I wish you the best in figuring out what is best for your daughter.

I just wonder if amom sends her to live with you, if your daughter will feel like she has been placed for adoption twice. I suspect it will have a long-term effect. Of course, I think amom even saying it is playing into her current behavior.

Hi I rarely post but this caught my attention. I can't believe your daughters Mom wants to give her back to you - this wasn't a foster situation but an open adoption, you can't just hand the child back when they do something you don't like (though many bmoms would love to have their child back) Why is her Mom wanting her to come live with you - what does she mean by acting out - is she being a typical teenager, arguing, defiant, questioning curfews etc, or is she in trouble legally, drugs, stealing? To one person acting out is coming home 1/2 hr late, slamming doors, not talking at dinner. To another acting out could mean doing drugs, stealing, taking the car, driving without a license Most teenagers at some point "act out" but everyones definition of acting out is not the same. Has this been discussed with your daughter by her Mom ? If so what are her thoughts on this and if her Mom hasnt talked to her why hasnt she :confused: Your daughter could think that coming to live with you would be a "vacation" of sorts whether it be temp or permanent; that she'd be able to do things that her Mom may not let her do. As for your part in all this, I can imagine the thought of having your daughter in your arms and your home would be awesome and scary as h*ll . At 15 she may look at you as someone who she can talk to about things, more of an Aunt or Friend situation, it would be totally different if she was living with you, you'd be setting the rules, telling her what she can or cannot do etc. If it were me, I think I would not agree to anything at all (not even your daughter coming and staying for a visit) until I talked to a counselor and an adoption attorney to see where you legally stand if you chose to let your daughter live with you or even come for a visit. Sounds like her Mom has some issues going on if she thinks after 15 years she can just hand her daughter back because she doesnt like how she is acting :( If her Mom, (is there a dad in the picture) your daughter and you did decide to do this - would it be temporary, say for a month or two, just over the summer, vacation of sorts or is her Mom wanting to send her to live with you permanently and never have anything to do with her daughter again? - I dont even know if legally she can do that, terminate her parental rights because she doesnt want to be her mom anymore and go thru the courts to make you the legal mother. I don't know the woman and am not saying she is Nuts, but I'd be very hesitant to even let your daughter come for a visit without something in writing protecting you from your attorney that her Mom signs saying she is letting her come and stay with you for X amount of days/weeks whatever, that she is her Mom, will still carry her insurance - but gives you legal right to make sure her daughter gets medical attention if needed. Sounds like the Mom has some issues - I'm not a very trusting person and would not want to take care of someone elses child (especially one you are so closely related to) without the parent signing papers saying it is ok for her to be with you. For all you know the woman could be having some mental issues, could be a closet drinker, on drugs and you drive off with daughter and she calls police saying her daughter has been kidnapped - I know it sounds bizaar and I am in NO way saying she is like that but..........weird things like that do happen on occassion, so just make sure you cover yourself in whatever you decide to do. That it feels right for You and you feel it would be right for daughter - if not, just say No If it were a permanent thing, then I would think she would be saying her she is, take her back, we dont' want her anymore :eek: What would that do to your daughters emotional status to be thrown out of the house permanently -even if she is being "thrown" to someone she has always known and loves her. It does happen in families, step families but there has to be a lot of legal stuff, emotional counseling etc. Who is going to be responsible for her health insurance, making parental decisions for school, driving, car insurance - so much to think about Whether it would be temp for summer or permanent arrangement - I would make sure I had an attorney who was making sure everything was legal and that you are protected and your daughter is protected. Temp or permanent you have to have legal papers, what if she is with you temp for the summer and gets hurt and ends up in hospital - who gets called you or her Mom - who makes decisions if she needs treatment or surgery. If it's temp - then her Mom would still be her Mom and have to be the one to carry insurance and be there to make decisions should the unthinkable happen and your daughter is hurt or ill enough to have to go to hospital. Mom could give you legal paper saying you have right to make medical decisions if your daughter was staying temp with you, but if temp Mom would still have to carry the insurance and you'd have to have copies of her insurance cards, medical records, doctors names/numbers etc So much to think about if you do decide to do this - it cannot be a decision made overnight, at least I would not advise it. Nor would I advise it without counseling for everyone, both you and her Mom having your Own attorney. Maybe when it comes right down to it, your daughter would not want to move - how far away do you live ? If you all were to agree that this would be the best thing for your daughter and you, would she be leaving all her friends, changing schools ? It just boggles my mind that her Mom thinks adoption was not a permanent arrangement, she's acting like it was foster care and when she got tired of being a Mom - just give her back.:confused: I also find it very sad that her Mom is willing to just send her away , though I know it happens more than most of would like to think. Kids to get sent off to live-in schools, grandparents, aunts/uncles etc. When it comes down to it, in the end you need to do what you feel is right for YOU. If you do not think your daughter coming to live with you at 15 is a good idea, then it probably is not a good idea. Think about it long and hard - make sure it is what you think is the best thing to do either way. If your daughter really wants to come live with you permanently and her mother wants to give up parental rights and you want to be her legal Mom then be prepared for lots of counseling, adjustments, typical teenage issues, daughter having to make new friends, new school. What happens if you do all this and 6 months down the road she doesnt like being there, misses her friends etc I wish you the very best in this, as a bmom I would not want to be in your shoes for a lot of reasons but the one that would hurt the most would be to know that my childs Mom did not want them anymore, that the person she/he has known as Mom for 15 yrs is willing to say I dont want to be your Mom anymore - bye ! :mad: Another reason I generally dont post is I tend to ramble and "write in circles" (I do much better talking than writing)

Thank you so much for your advice! I honestly dont know what to do...Its a hard decision to make just as hard as it was to give her up...I did it cause i had to I was 16 myself I wasnt able to be there in every way a mother has to be emotionally,physicaly, mentally, ... We have decided that she is going to come out to where I live for the summer she is coming in 2 weeks. And we live in Alberta Canada she is in Manitoba. That what iw orry about it is 1200 miles away from a mom and friends but thats what amom thinks what is best at this time..a mom and adad are getting a divorce and amom is not doing well they have 7 kids 4 are theres and 3 adopted mine is the youngest one.we have started the works in a agreement for emergency Medical situations.i really need someone to talk to about this I do go to councelling and she is saying that this could be exactly what my daughter needs and for a large part of all this its her who wants to come I think she is feeling rejected and that hurts me.