Adoptive Parents Change of Heart

Back in 2000, I was a single parent to a beautiful daughter. At age 24, I was enrolled full-time at my local university and held two part-time jobs. I was doing okay, without much support from my family and no help from the father or his family. I was doing the best that I could at the time for someone in my situation. Then the bottom fell out. After asking my family for the first time in the years I had become a parent to help me out by taking my daughter due to stress of exams and parenting, I asked my cousin to take her for the week so I could focus on school and have a bit of breathing room. She accepted and I handed my daughter over with full confidence that she would be taken care of. But after a few days, I got a phone call from my father saying that my daughter was no longer with my cousin and that she now was at my aunts house and that they were saying that I abandoned my child. In shock I called over to my cousin who confirmed this information. I was horrified to say the least. I had never asked my family for any help or support since I got pregnant and to have them turn and do this was just mind-blowing. I didn't understand what was happening. I went over to my aunts house where I could see my daughter in the window calling out for me. My aunt yelled through the window that she was calling the cops and I replied that "I am calling them." When the police arrived, they interviewed my aunt and then had a talk with me. They told me that she said I had abandoned my daughter and that they were throwing aligations that I was a drug user and a prostitute and that they feared for my daughters safety. The first reaction to hearing that is "take a blood test." I was no drug user or a prostitute and I didn't know why they were doing this. I insisted that I did not leave my daughter in the care of my aunt, didn't know how she even got there and that I was not comfortable with her being there. I wanted her to come home. She didn't return that night. In fact, she ended up being put in foster care and it had to be agreed upon by all parties, including my aunt which to this day still doesn't make any sense to why her consent was needed. So my daughter went into foster care and I had to agree to visitation till I could prove that I was a fit parent and that I had my life in order. Funny thing was my life wasn't the best at the time but I was working with what I had. The foster parents worked with me and it was the only option I had at the time to make sure she was coming back to me with no interferance from my family. Problem was, that day never came. My life was turned upside-down. I supported my child and myself through my student loans and during all of this I never did get to study for my finals and failed my courses. The stress of this event distroyed any bit of future I was making for myself and my daughter. By my not completing my courses for the semester, I defaulted on my loans and I was cut off from getting any more. I now had no future, no income for us and now I was in debt. I tried to appeal the decision of the school but they denied me to be able to do it over. They didn't feel it was a good enough reason to have not completed my courses, go figure. I didn't know what to do now. My father caught wind that my daughter was in foster care and got very angry with me. He didn't want to see his grandchild being raised by strangers and told me to have her come live with him. He lived out of my province so I wouldn't be able to see her very often. To this day I don't know why I listened to him but at the time I thought maybe someone from my family would be looking out for my daughter and myself, I was wrong. I however removed her from the foster parents and flew her to my fathers. I dropped her off and returned to my life to try and gather up the pieces of what was left of it and try to start over to get my life ready where I would have everything I needed for her to come back. A month later I drove 16 hours to go visit her. Upon my arrival, I was given back her things and was told that she had been staying at this families house and not with my father. He couldn't handle raising her so his girlfriends (at the time) had her daughter and boyfriend taking care of her. Again, I was in shock. I only been trying for a month to figure out things let alone be put in a full parenting role, this time without an income. But the reason why they didn't want to keep taking care of her is that they didn't want to be raising a child that would never be theirs. I was speechless. I was mad that my father didn't tell me what he had done and then I couldn't understand why these two strangers to me were just handing her back to me. I was stuck but I returned with her with no plan at all. A few months passed and I end up talking to my father again. He was upset that my life was a mess and that the two people who were taking care of her wanted her back but this time for good. I got the lecture that this would be the best option for my child since my life was pathetic to raise a small child and they had their own home and other investment properties and full-time careers. If at any moment I felt like a failure, it was that moment. I knew I didn't have much going for myself and I wanted what was best for my daughter. I just didn't want to give her up completely. I didn't feel that I should have to give her up and never see her again. My heart would have been torn to pieces if I did that. But to my surprise, they were agreeing to an open adoption where I would be able to see her and have rights so that I would be able to watch her grow and be apart of her life. So I agreed because what other option did I really have. They flew us to meet up with them where I would meet them and do the exchange. My father even gave me money to try and get my feet off the ground. I thought everything was looking better. A few months went by and I ended up going back for a visit and to make the arrangements for the adoption. Went to see a lawyer with the adoptive parents and everything looked great. The lawyer talked about everything (roles & responsibilites and the whole adoption process). So after returning home, I tried to make a fresh start as who I was going to be and how I was going to be (the role) with my daughter and her new family. I wasn't doing well financially but I was keeping above water. A few months later, I was dipping below the waterline and called my father to see if he could help me out. He pulled some strings and he told me to come move out where he lived for a new job he got for me. I literally packed up what I could that night and scheduled movers to come for the rest. I moved and started my new life in a strange city but close to my daughter so I could see her more. The pay was great, I had a big place set up for me and things were looking better. That didn't last long. September 11th happened and the job I was in closed down. A few months later, my father split from the woman who he was dating and brought a huge strain to my relationship with the new adoptive parents and myself. When I met up with them about the adoption, they conviently decided to "change their minds" about the open adoption and wanted no part of me being able to have any legal ties to her. Even though they insisted that I would still be able to see her, I didn't trust them now. I only trusted that the legal papers would tell me I had no rights and their "verbal" agreement wouldn't be worth anything in a court of law. So I stalled the adoption and it made the whole situation on seeing her hard. Having any civil conversation was hard and everyone was on eggshells. I think they were afraid that I was going to just up and take her away and I felt that they were going to cut me off from seeing her ever again. It was intense! This went on for a while. I ended up moving back to where I was originally from and lived there for about four months. I missed her and didn't want to be so far where I couldn't see her so I moved back. My life was a mess and nothing was working out there either. My relationship with the adoptive parents was strained and I wasn't making any big moves. I wasn't happy with anything in my life and decided that I was going to move away but this time across the country to start all over. The adoptive parents would then feel a bit more at ease that I wasn't just going to up and take her and maybe I could finally just feel like I had something to live for at a place where no one knew me...a fresh start! During the years I lived far away from her, I would come and see her on her birthday and if I had the money I would see her sometime in the summer. For five years that was my routine. I would use all my money I would save up to see her. They would sometimes send me pictures and things in the mail and I would get to talk to her on a more regular bases. They eased up and felt more comfortable and that allowed me to be in her life even if it was at a distance. But the mention of adoption never came up. I guess all of us where too scared of what the other would do. They still wanted me out of the legal rights to her and I wasn't going to budge on my view about the original agreement we had with each other. If I was ever gonna continue with the adoption, she was going to know (and remember) who I was and what it meant to be adopted. I wanted her to understand the process and why I was going to do it. I knew that they would never agree on the three-way adoption so if I was going to sign my rights away, I was going to build my relationship with her first. That way, if they told me I could never see her again, at least (I hope) she would at least remember me. She came out one year when she was 7-years old and visited me. I paid for her trip and she flew out. My relationship with the family was okay for what it was and I got to see her which was all that mattered. The only huge problem was when I went out to see her, I was never invited or allowed to stay at their place. I would have to make other arrangements, which ended up costing a lot of money but I paid it. The first time they did, however, I guess they didn't feel right about it and never invited me back again. I would come and pick her up, they would say hello but then I would have to leave. It wasn't much of a civil relationship where they cared to blend our lives together. It was more like a divorce situation where I was the parent who saw the kids every second weekend, without the "every second weekend". I didn't want it to be like that but that was how they obviously wanted it. I just wished that they could be more open to a real relationship with open communitcation, respect, trust and care. It was never going to happen, so I took what I got. At least I had my daughter and she loved me and much as I loved her. Then they became pregnant with their own child and everything went haywire. They started pushing for the adoption and even told me if I didn't do it soon, before the child was born, they were thinking of giving her back to me. They didn't want to bring their child into the world with this hanging over their heads. They wanted their family to be legally complete and I was standing in their way. Really spreading the guilt trip on thick about how good she has it there and that I should think about her and her needs. And in my head I said "What about mine?" I never even wanted to give her up and that by thinking of "her best interests" I did. Did what I want for her and my dreams not matter? I had her for two years before all that craziness started. I did it with the full intention that I was going to be a parent to her for life, not a stranger on the sidelines. I told them fine, I'll do it. She was old enough now to remember who I was if they broke all ties and, if in the future, she ever wanted to find me (to live or know) she could find me. I went to the lawyer in my city and gathered the information I needed for my end and gave it to them. They would require to pay for my lawyer as well as their own to have the adoption valid. Legally I would have to have my own lawyer to take me through all the legalities of the adoption process which is the law. I didn't hear back from them. When they did they refused to pay the large amount my lawyer was asking. The price was more then a tradtional adoption laywer due to the fact that we lived in seperate provinces and he would have to research the province in which the adoptive parents where to legally give me the right consultation. They didn't seem to understand that and I told them to pay for a lawyer in their province but it would have to happen when I came out to visit. The topic wasn't brought up again and they ended up having their child. For the next few years I would do the routine of visiting but as for any pictures or stuff being sent to me, that all ended. I called to talk to her but they never wanted to talk on the phone and my conversations where timed. The relationship was now between her and myself. She now was in the middle. When she was about to turn 11, I moved back to her province due to my career and my business I had started went under. For five years I was doing fine for someone who was single and without children. I moved in with my father and got a low-paying job. I was bummed that I hit rock bottom again but I looked forward to seeing her more. I hadn't been much of a presence in her life like I wanted and I really wanted more of that. I wanted to build a better relatinship with her. I still hoped that I would be able to build a relationship with them but it didn't happen. I was not invited to anything pertaining to her. She invited me only when she was allowed and it was never to their home or their family events. If she had an event that was for public viewing, then I could come only because they really couldn't stop me even if they tried. I had built my solid relationship with my daughter and there was no cracking that, though they have tried through guilt-trips and bash-talking about how much better they are to live with than if she lived with me. I really hate that they are putting her in the middle but talking to them will never happen. They have no respect for me and they wouldn't listen if I had something to say anyways. They have told me they don't like me and have no respect for me and they show it everytime I'm around. The sad thing is she sees it but she doesn't want to ruffle their feathers. I feel and hear her sadness and I wish I could do something about protecting her from it. They are not the same people I gave her up to. They have changed and hold such a huge grudge towards me. They brought up the adoption once since I have been back but when I said sure, whenever you're ready to pay for it, they said why should they have to pay for it and that was the end of that short conversation. They tell people I refuse to sign the papers but the truth is they don't want to bothering paying for it. I guess running a house with two kids is expensive. Whatever the reason, they just don't own up to their parts in this mess. They don't think changing thier minds AFTER they got her was a problem. I still have a problem with that. They don't think that having her see me is what they want, even though that was the original agreement. Not only are they rude to me in every way you can think of, their family is to me as well. It's a full war going on, and they look at me like I'm nobody and that they don't like me and they should never even show basic courtesy or respect towards me. To think of it, strangers and animals get treated better then I do. I can't even have a say when it comes to how they are raising her. Even caught the father cussing her out while I was on the phone and I was livid. They play favorites but are still good to her but you can tell if she ever went wild on them they would be quick to hand her off to me if they couldn't take it no more. I have the fear that it will happen and that I wouldn't be able to be prepared for her in every way. I don't know what it's like to have a tween let alone how I could meet her needs as well as wants. I wish my life wasn't filled with so many failures that I could be there for her if she needed me. Just last week, I saw a change in her that I have never seen before. I don't get any say when it comes to what she does and how they parent but I have told her some of the things I want and don't want for her in the past. She broke that trust by doing something even I didn't want her to do. She joined Facebook! She's 12 and I didn't want her to go on their until she was responsible enough and taught how to use the site properly and it could be monitored. She went behind everyones back and opened a page. I finally got the first feel of the teenage years. I'm afraid for her. Tonight, I was talking to her on the phone and found that one of her friends had posted video and pics to the site that I didn't think were appropriate. The worse part was that her friends page was not really, what I would call, managed properly with the security features because I can view all her photos and videos without being on her friends list. I ended up calling her mother, which happens to be the adoptive parents sister, and told her about the lack of security on her daughters page and asked if she would mind not posting stuff of my daughter without first making sure the only people that could see it is their circle and not for the whole world to see. What response did I get from her? She told me she didn't care about what I thought and that she doesn't see me as her parent so I don't have the right to suggest anything. She went on the say that if the adoptive parents (her brother and sister-in-law) want it changed then she will do something but she would not listen to me. The conversation went on to her thinking I should never be allowed to see or talk to her and that she was surprised that I'm even allowed at all, that she doesn't like me and that she will only listen to what her brother wants and that's that. In a sarcastic and BlTCHY tone she told me to "Have a nice life!" So here I am, writing my story about my adoption from hell. I don't seem to get any breaks but before it sounds like I'm having a pity party, I want people to know that even though my world has been full of these so-called obsticles, I love my daughter and would do anything for her and to be in her world. Even though, in the real world, if these people were not taking care of and raising my daughter, they would be nothing to me. And I know I only have so much patience I can spare and can only hold my tongue for so long. I am glad that in the legal world, she could legally choose to live with me at the age of 13 even if she was legally adopted by the nature of how the court system works here. The courts allow a child of the early age of 13 to make that decision. And it's only 5 years till she graduates and goes on to college. Then I know,if she didn't move back with me before then, I never have to bother ever having any contact with them. Just sad that in the meantime and after she finishes school and moves out, she will always have to do everything seperate when it comes to family holidays and such. I never wanted this to be what it is, but there is no happy ending to this story. So here it is, the ending to what I can my present life. I still haven't got my world together to have what I need to have her in my life 24/7, I haven't talked to my family (or ever plan to talk to them) since my daughter was 2, for the exception of my father which took awhile to develop anything worth calling a happy reunion, an adoptive family who would run me over with their car if they could get away with it and my daughter who I see may actually come to hate me as much as I hope she never will because I gave her up. She loves me today but she'll be a teenager soon so that won't last long. I am pretty much to the point that I don't even want to bother ever going through with the adoption and they can remain her gaurdians. I'm done playing nice or care what they ever want from now on. I truly can't stand them or their family. If there is any moral story to this, it's sometimes don't listen to your parents. Go figure! Help and/or advice, comments appreciated!