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I'm trying to make sense of the opportunity my DH and I have been given to parent our foster daughter for the past 8.5 months (and counting). She is being transitioned back to mom, and we are grieving the loss of the hope that we would adopt her. We can't think about adopting or fostering again - we don't want to replace her. She is our first, one, and only. I'm thinking this must be sort of what parents feel like when their chidren grow up and move out.
We have a good relationship with her mom and we hope to stay in touch after she goes home, so in a sense it's like letting her move on with her life, though obviously she's not becoming independent and starting a career or family of her own at 15 months. But she is moving to another phase of her life, that of being raised by her birth mother.
Anyone ever think of losing a foster child like this, like it's "premature empty nesting"?
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I just think what you are missing out on by thinking you would be replacing her :) I have six kids - and have parented (and lost) a few others. I love EACH as intensely as I loved the first, and that love for the missing child isnt diminished by loving another child. We had a baby girl from 6 weeks until 13 months and when she left I honestly thought I would die. My heart broke (and breaks) for the loss of her in my life.
But ohhhhhh how tragic if I had closed my heart to the two amazing girls that are now our FOREVER daughters. I would have missed out on so much joy, so many memories, so many opportunities for living LIFE. :) It doesnt mean that the "baby-gone" is any less important to me, or any less loved ... it just means that in the same way I hope she has a full and happy life, I am choosing the same.
You will never regret openning your heart again. Ever. But you may regret shutting it down now. Parenting is life's greatest joy (at least in my books)
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You really, really cant. Honestly I felt I could never (would never) "get over" the loss of Baby J in our lives and family. And I am not joking - it was HARD. Beyond hard - but thankfully I had people come along side me and allow me to grieve (and gave me permission to grieve) andlistened to me and validated my love for her and her place in my life ... and slowly, it DOES heal (at least a bit). Life goes on -- I just think I would have missed so much - SO INCREDIBLY much if I had shut down.
So this is my promise to you - these days are oh so hard. Cry, talk, scream, sob, hug, hold, read, drink lots of water, sigh, and repeat as long and as often as you want or need to. BUT IT WILL GET BETTER. Some days will be hard - it doesnt go away quickly or easily, but you WILL smile again and laugh again and be ok again. You really, really will.
A friend who lost her son to death came to me during that time and told me that one day I would be able to look back on the MEMORIES and NOT have them be completely overshadowed by the "ending" - for a long time I was only able to feel the agony of the loss instead of the joy of the good times. BUT - she was RIGHT. She really, really was. Oh I miss J but I don't forget the good times anymore. I celebrate that year of our lives that she shared with us.
For me, it was really healing to make a memory book of our time together. And I made it for ME - where I could call myself "mommy" in it (I was mommy to her) etc ... and I made one for HER that would also be her truth (with pictures of us with her family etc). It was healing.
Anyways ... just promise me you wont make any rash decisions :) You are a GOOD mom, and now that you have BEEN a mom, you will want to be a mom even more. :)
:) Thanks for saying that now that I've been a mom, I'll want to be a mom again. Perhaps I'm over psycho-analyzing my intentions here, but I start to wonder, OK, I want to be a mom again, but where do I start? At newborn? baby? toddler? older child? Not being able to conceive puts the decision of when I start to parent a child in my hands. I absolutely love this age that VV is in right now. She's sleeping through the night (a HUGE relief for me), she still cuddles galore, yet she keeps me on my toes making me run after her everywhere she goes.
My 2 month old nephew is not as fun - even though he now smiles at me. But then again, he's fun in a different way - during the day, I can lay him down and know he'll still be where I left him 5 minutes from now! And I can easily put him in my carrier and walk the dogs. But I would not want to be getting up with him all night like his mom does.
My 5 year old niece is fun in a totally different way - she's very self-sufficient, not to mention she'll tell you what's bothering her. She helps with the little kids, though she gets jealous at times. I don't have to carry her, and she is very inquisitive. She does talk a mile a minute, though, so there's no having a conversation with her in the room and not including her! But if I were to just step into her life now, without the history we have together, she may not take as warmly to me.
So not only do I have to decide IF I want to parent again, but also what age child. How do I do that?
Here's a hint from a mom whose been there, done that -- every "stage" passes. You may love V's stage now but in 3 months she will be different, 5 is easy, 7 is GREAT, 9 is wonderful, 11 is fun, 13 is different, 15 is HARD ;) Get my drift ... parenting isnt about a stage or a time period ... its about a LONG LONG LONG period of never ending transitions.
Being a mom isnt about just liking one stage - so my suggestion is just keep an open mind, an open heart and look FORWARD to what is ahead. :)
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