Feeling like I'm going crazy...

Hello. First off dont be so hard on yourself. For me it took time to feel more comfortable with myself, adoption stuff a side, early 20s for most people are chaos. At your age I was still totally in self-sabotage mode. The only close friends I had were boyfriends/exҒs because I didnt feel accepted by my family and had to be in a serious relationship. But then when I felt the person was too dependent on me I would panic because I knew how messed up I was and didnҒt want the burden of worrying about someone else so I would destroy the relationship. I did my share of drinking and for a long time tried to convince myself I was okay when I wasnt. I didnҒt find out all my adoption stuff until I was almost 28 but I had always suspected it since in high school, Im sorry you found out the way you did. So I didnҒt have the adoption stuff yet, but I had the messed up parent stuff that I now can look back and say had a lot to do with being adopted. I dont think my mom really ever bonded with me. Which I think totally contributed to me being kind of socially awkward as a child. I was way to in need of being accepted by others that I often didnҒt act like myself. For me between 21-23 things started to click into place to me feeling more at peace with myself. I had gone to counseling for 2 years, which mostly was having a neutral person to be accountable to of my destructive behavior. I distanced myself from my family. I spent time alone without having to be in a serious relationship. I hung out with my girlfriends and got a close group of female friends. My life is far from perfect, but I dont feel the chaos any more. IҒm 30; I got a degree and have had a good job for almost 8 years. Ive been married 5 years and have 4 children (1 step, 3 bio). You know you best, so you probably are right that you need to give things more time before you give up, but just keep going forward and trying to improve. Find like minded-healthy people that you can let your guard down with. Remove unhealthy things from your life. I wish you luck and hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve!

Just this past week my therapist and I got to figuring out what I do and why I do it. I totally self sabotage and I am 40! I have been doing it all of my life. I never felt like I belonged any where so sub consciously I would sabatoge things just like you do, jobs, school, relationship, everything!! The only time in my life I have EVER felt like I really belong is when I am with my bmom and then it is hard because there are so many mixed feelings there. People can say that it is due to adoption or not, I can say that after meeting my bmom I have never felt like I belong because of adoption and it sucks big time. I have spent most of my life being angry, pushing people away, not trusting any one, not being able to be close to anyone except my husband, still not sure how he has stuck around. Whatever the reason, it is all really hard. The unsettling feeling, the anxiety, all hard to deal with. Getting help has been a great start to understanding all of this. I still don't deal well, hey at least I am conscious of why not at least now! :) The hardest thing now is with all of my issues, trying to not push away my bmom. Hardest thing I have ever done! And to be honest, probably not doing it real well but she hasn't left and I know in my heart she won't. My head and my heart are almost in line with that! I hope that someday you will be able to stop sabotaging your relationships, you are young and lucky you can deal now. Better than at my age, so much has been lost because of all of this, try not to do the same. But I am doing my best not to lose any more especially my bmom, the one who finally made me feel like I belong. Good luck!

Sometimes it's just too easy to reject before being rejected. Reading tons about 'learning to love' others, and actually giving it a shot helped me more than anything. It's hard to trust. It's hard to knock down those protective walls we have. I remember reading something like this, and it hit home for me. How can I love or trust anyone fully, when the one person you are supposed to be able to count on to be there with you, to love you more than anyone, even if you are funny lookin', your mother, just wasn't there for whatever reason. I worked hard to get past that one, it was more than worth it. This is something you can change Holmes. You are in control of it, you deserve to have it all. Put yourself in the right place to help make it happen. You can do it.

I remember being in counseling one time and the counselor pointed out that I had defence mechanism that I developed in childhood to prctect myself. Unfortunately, those defense mechanisms aren't particular helpful for us as adults. The goal is to learn new behaviors that are healthier for us. You can do that so that you can learn not to sabatage your relationships. Counseling is probably the way to go. It will take time. Find a therapist familiar with adoption issues. (Not all counselors are.) For help finding someone, contact Bromanchik here at a.com. She is a wonderful resource.