Help!

Well, no you can't know for sure what has happened to her but you can be pretty certain that her need for food was not met consistently! That is evident whether the family member denies it or not! I will give you a piece of advice that I have learned the hard way! The more you try to control her food, the more she will fight to regain that control. This will improve as she begins to see that she will be fed and will not be hungry. Carry snacks, have a healthy snack drawer etc so that she is NEVER EVER hungry. Reassure her CONSTANTLY that you will be eating lunch in one hour, 30 minutes etc. Tell her that you don't ever let kids miss a meal in your house, that you love her and would never want her to be hungry. She asks 100x an hour because she is that worried about not being fed. Imagine being that helpless. THROW OUT all your rules about kids snacking between meals, right before meals etc. This child has been traumatized, you have to make exceptions in this area. I had to do it myself and it was very hard. Guess I have a few control issues myself!:rolleyes: You are doing the right thing getting therapy for her and asking questions here. There have been times that I have started to feel crazy myself and coming here reading that other people are feeling the same way and dealing with the same behaviors keeps me sane.

Ah yes she is hypervigilant. ok that would explain her issues with sleep. It can be hard getting her to sleep and take naps. It is like she will sleep but wake up really easily. The thing is if I have her lay next to me she will sleep and will sleep good. She took a 4 hour nap with me yesterday. She is always the first one up. Now the food thing. I don't think letting her go to town on her food is going to work. We have to watch her. She will and has choked from eating too fast.

She has a schedule of when she is suppose to eat. Meals and snacks in between. She is always reminded that she will have food. Even though we have the schedule I will still give her things out of the schedule. She has gotten better about asking for food at our home. Anytime she is thrown out of her routine she will ask for more. So the food thing we are working on. It really is the other behaviors. We are going to start incorporating food into her theraplay.

Yes. We started with [URL="http://www.mrchime.com/ProductFolder/Wandering_Alert_Doors_Windows.html"]these[/URL] because of the remote sounder. There are lots of cheap options if you don't mind it sounding right at the door. Its fabulous that she sleeps well when she is with you. That may mean she trusts you not to hurt her, which is a great start.

one thing that helps my dd with her food issues is that if she asks for food i NEVER say NO outright. I say "Yes, you can have the banana right after lunch. Do you want to hold it or put it on the table by your space for safe keeping?" "Yes, you can have the ice cream right after we finish sweeping the kitchen." "Yes, we will get a sno-cone, tomorrow after church." And when she says "I want it NOW!" I say "You want it now. We WILL have it, after church tomorrow." Also I never clean out the fridge infront of her. She can't take it to see the food in the trash. I always make sure our fridge "looks" full. Sometimes I just stick the cans from the pantry in there. If it feels empty, R gets panicky. At the grocery store, R gets to pick: a kind of fruit, a kind of ice cream, a kind of vegetable, a kind of cheese stick, and a kind of bread. So she feels like, "I wanted something and Mommy got me food." I keep a sanck basket, with mostly fruit and a few cheese & crackers. The first week she blew through it. I NEVER let it be empty. Ever. No matter how many times I re-fill it. after awhile it sinks in that there IS more food. R had two big school related food issues. Once they were expecting visitors and they set out a big tray of over size muffins (like from Sams Club). 12 of them. She cried and cried right after she was found in a corner covered in crumbs. She felt so ashamed that she had eaten them out of control. Then, they have a fridge where they keep a twice a day snack and lots of bottles of water. A ten year old boy stood infront of 7 yr old R and told her it wasn't snack time and she could NOT get a snack. She threw the meanest right hook. He had a big bruise on his cheek for about a week. You don't stand between my girl and food. Good luck.

The food issues are gradually getting better. I can see some small things that are positive. I am really wanting to switch her to a different therapist but the caseworker is saying no until we get a diagnosis from the neuropsych....that appt is in another month. Her behaviors are manageable right now......but she will be starting school in the fall.

"standard parenting is not going to work with her." You hit the nail on the head with that one. It took me 7 years as a FP before that one really set in with me! Geez, guess I am a slow learner! When my older two came, I had to rethink everything (they have attatchment disorder) I am wayyyyy more strict and rigid than I would ever be with a child that I had since birth. I control every moment of their day and give very little freeedom to make their own decisions. I will loosen up when they are healed more, but for now, there is not wiggle room for them to gain control of the house. It is ok if you parent her differently than your other kids. Some websites and such that have helped me are: [url=http://www.fosterpodcast.com]Foster Parenting Podcast[/url] (3 years of podcasts from experienced FP's with girls that came at 3 and 4 years old) Search Christine Moers (I think that is the right spelling?) on YouTube (talks about theraputic parenting) [url=http://www.owlhaven.net]Owlhaven[/url] (There is a sermon on there from John Piper that has changed my whole perspective on foster parenting. Even if you don't consider yourself a religious person, it is very motivating) Also on YouTube, Jodi Jepson (again, spelling is a guess but you can find her if you search under reactive attatchment disorder) She talks about loving adopted children, changing your parenting tool box for attatchment disordered children etc., sensory processing, autism etc There are lots of books listed somewhere on this board. I have read several really good books (The Connected Child, Another Place at the Table) but the web resources are great because I can just sit and watch and I don't have to wait for them to come in mail! These are real people who are really doing what we are doing not just psychologists with a bunch of theories and opinions. Building the Bonds of Attatchment is the next one on my list to read. Hope that helps. I feel for you. The thing I am beginning to realize is that foster parenting and adopting children is just plain hard. It is painful at times and challenges me right down to the core of who I am. I have to constantly ask God to help me see my kids through His eyes and remind myself that I am not living my life for me or my comfort. I want to live a life that means something, and I think I am, regardless of how well my kids turn out! One of the things that they said on the last foster podcast was "Doing the right thing is it's own reward." There is no question that you are doing the right thing by bringing this little girl into your home, even if it's hard.

Just wanted to second what Jeff said about her sleeping better by you. She must feel safe and protected by you for that to happen. That is great! Don't really have any advice for you, except to say that there is so much experience and so many great, helpful people on the boards here. It sometimes just feels good to know you are not alone on those really hard days (like any of them aren't). Keep up the good work!

The snack basket has worked wonders for the food issues in our house. I also put in some "goodies," like sugar-free gum and sugar-free peppermints, so they feel like they're getting something special. It also took me a while to realize the way we were raising our first daugther (adopted at birth) was not going to work w/ No. 2, so you're not alone. It's a huge step to just realize this. Sounds like you are ahead of the game because you are already searching for answers. Hang in there!I have a few things to add to the conversation:- Check out the Heather Forbes books. And have you read "Parenting the Hurt Child"? Those helped us gain an understanding as to why this 40-pound little girl was wrecking the house.- The staring could also be disassociation episodes, especially if she comes from a home where there was abuse. We had a lot of staring episodes at first. Not to scare you, but it's also possible they could be seizures..our psych brought this up to us...maybe ask the peditrician for an opinion? - Hypervigelance is tough. My daughter is aware of everything, from the mail lady on the porch to a siren a million miles away. The best you can do is constantly reassure them that everything is OK and Mom will keep you safe.- I like the idea of having the child pick items at the grocery store! Really, you're not alone.

Sorry have been busy with our fd. She has had some better days followed by some not so good days. I can't believe how a 4 year old can be so defiant. She has been having her screaming episodes when she doesn't want to do something. It is like a switch with these episodes. It is scary. I have noticed she can act perfectly fine and seem normal but once you get to know her she gets crazy and manipulative. I hate how she likes to try to tattle and make us look like the bad guys. She has been showing her other side to other people who are getting more regular in her life.... The obvious lying has been really bad today. New day tomorrow.

On the other hand, her ability to sleep close to you might just be because she wants to stay near so she can know what is happening. The information might be the comfort, not the mother. That would be typical of a RAD kid.Many of us have kids who are similar. Parenting them may be the biggest challenge of our lives.

That's true. My DD is very affection and clingy, not because she just feels so safe with me, but because she wants to control my every move. (i.e. if she is wrapped around my waist, I cannot walk over and pick up the baby) I am careful not to push her away in a rejecting type of way. I will just give her a tight squeeze then pull her arms off of me and say "We will have to hug later, mommy needs her legs back for now!" When she presists, I send her somewhere and tell her to stay put. Like: "I want you to do some crafts at the table and I will tell you when you can move on to something else." That way she is close to me without being in control of me. This kind of parenting takes a lot of mental effort and creativity!

Been there, done that. it's most definitely possible to work with children dealing with this. But, please. Consider your other children. Is this what they want for their childhood and home life? Is this the right time to foster?

Well we got the official diagnosis of reactive attachment disorder. I don't know what is worse.....dealing with these kids or dealing with the county. I feel like we are trying to get her into a good therapist and they are all in an uproar. Giving up has crossed our mind. We do see teeny tiny baby steps. Thank you for all your words and support.....I think that is what we need the most right now.

Excellent job hanging in there. It's just working with the county overwhelming you. Focus on her and keep loving her. Fighting for what's best for her. Take care.