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My DH and I have not been married for that long but we have been together for a few years. We have 1 beautiful boy together and I am expecting another baby boy in Nov. My hubby has a 14 year old son with his first wife. She left my DH over 10 yrs ago and remarried and had 5 children. She has not made any physical contact with my DH or my stepson since she left. To my knowledge she has only called her son once or twice and the last time was more than 8 years ago. She has never paid child support.
Before me, my hubby married his 2nd wife. They were married for 6 yrs. When she left him there were 3 children involved. (Her bio-son, his son, and a daughter they had together.) They did not want to split up the children so his son lived with his 2nd ex-wife even tho she was not the Bmom. (She professed her undying love for him even though he was not her bio son and she wanted nothing more than to be the mother he never had...) They are amicable so they did their own divorce lawyer free and she was given custody of all the children. Two months ago she called us and said that his son had to come live with us bc she could not handle him with his behavioral problems and she didn't want him anymore - so he now lives with us.
We have a hearing on Aug 24th to gain custody of him. This will not be a problem bc it's not like she wants him. She knew we were going to file for custody and she is fine with it. Once that is over, we plan to start the adoption process.
I love my stepson as if her were my own child and I want to adopt him. I think part of his behavioral problems are from not having a stable home and from his bmom (and his former step-mom) abandoning/rejecting him. Do my DH and I have to be married for a certain period of time before I can adopt him? The bmom has been MIA for years now... is it easier to petition for TPR or to try to find her and gain consent?
I'm nervous (I think bc I know so little about the subject). This is something I never thought I would be doing, but once my husband and I discussed it with our son I knew in my heart it was the right thing for our family.
Any words of encouragement are appreciated.
FYI: Just as a little more background: My husband is NOT the biodad. His first wife cheated on him and it wasn't until after the baby was born that he found out the child wasn't his, HOWEVER my husband's name is on the birth cert. (Thank God!!) My husband has raised his son since the biomom took off when he was 2 or 3 yrs old. When my stepson turned 13 I insisted he be told the truth before he figured it out on his own. (He is bi-racial, my husband and the Bmom are CC.) We did tell him (we were a nervous wreck) and his answer to my husband was to hug him and kiss him and say, "It's ok. Your still my dad." And that was the end of it.
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If you don't know bmom's where abouts, you can publish a legal notice to appear in the newspaper where she last lived. Once the judge grants tpr, you will then file for adoption.
Just a note, that adoption isn't to be taken lightly. I know you're not thinking that you are, but have you really known this child that long? If you and dh divorce (I know you're not thinking of that, but neither were his previous two wives), the boy would still be your legal son and you would still be responsible for him. He will still be heir to your estate if you and dh divorced, etc.
I think you all should get into counseling together before you do anything.
I hope I don't sound negative, I'm just trying to be realistic and point out some things you may not have thought about.
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What a difficult situation.
Most states laws state you have to be married a year, but I dont know really. I can only compare to my situation and what my lawyer has said to my and my husband for the state we live in... so my info may not be too helpful.
As for not knowing her where abouts you'll have to go threw a good bit of effort so she can be served. In some cases just posting it in the newpaper isnt enough when it comes to TPR. She has to be informed of a hearing that involves her parental rights being terminated. Since Bmom hasnt had any involvement with her son she might just sign consent if you tried to contact her (which would be so much cheaper in the long run,) specially since your husband will be getting a custody order she *may* end up having to pay child support... (The judge ordered it automatically when my husband gained custody of his daughter. Like he had no choice in the matter.) Tt would have really helped had your husband get a custody order a long time ago and she was ordered to pay child support I'd bet by now she'd be WAY behind. But since your husband is getting custody in August - I'm not sure if I'd ask for child support now since you're wanting to adopt. "Asking for child support and yet wanting someone else to adopt?!" seems kinda contradicting but don't hold me to it. I'd contact a lawyer, and ask lots of questions. Since she has not willfully helped support her child and has not seen her child its abandoment which in some states it says all that for one year, but where I live its only 6 months.
What I did before we actually got a lawyer (which is a GREAT guy, he is extremely helpful, caring and nice! I went to him with my ideas and thoughts and what I have researched and he told me how we can do it.) was I googled my states laws, step parent adoption, TPR, every little keyword that was stuck in my mind.
I do agree with lovemy6. Counseling would be nice for you as a family.
Everything Ive read - they dont just Terminate parent rights THEN you file for adoption, they dont even consider TPR in cases like yours and mine unless someone is already willing to adopt.
(from what I've read and heard.)
My lawyer filed for a "Contested Stepparent Adoption" and of course for me to adopt - would have to have Bmoms parental rights taken but it was NOT filed seperately 2 in 1 thing. We are still waiting on an answer from the judge. It's now been 11 days. I'm so nervous.
When we started I had no idea how difficult and what we were in for. TPR is serious business. Find a nice lawyer that gives free consultations and just find out some things you didnt know about and what he thinks about the situation.
This has been an extremely stressful thing for me and my husband. I have been nauseous for a month straight now, nervous for months and so many thoughts of what can go wrong that could put anyone in a deep depression, Ecspecially now I wouldn't mind some counseling right now.
I wish you good luck!! Let us know what happens and any news.
Thank you both for your replies. Actually we had considered that if we ever divorced for some reason, I know I would be responsible legally and financially for my son, but that is risk I am willing to take. I love him and to me that is part of being a parent. Of course I am not saying I expect or even want to think of my husband and I not working out because we adore each other, but its a cold hard fact that sometimes things don't work out. As far as not knowing my stepson very well or for a very long time... I have been involved in his life for several years. Its hard to explain the whole story here on a message board, but when it comes to everything this child has needed it has been my husband and I who provided most of it despite the fact that he did not live with us. And he was always at our house spending weekends and weeks during holidays and summer vacations. And the counseling is a great idea. My stepson already is in counseling and he has an appt next week. This will be the first time my husband and I are going to talk to this counselor and we are going to discuss the adoption and see what she recommends as far as a family counseolor and stuff.