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A few days ago I went by the retirement complex where my blood mother (83)lives. She refuses contact or to acknowledge my existence, even sometimes returning the cards I send a few times a year. Since my mother-in-law of about the same age just passed away, the possibility of my blood mother's death has been weighing on me.
I went to the office and asked if there was any way to be notified if she suffered a sudden health issue. The manager asked my relationship so I said she was my mother but we did not communicate; I didn't explain any reasons, just that I hated scanning the obits to see if she had died.
Their policy was to not give out information without the consent of the tenant, which I respected. As I got ready to leave, the manager suggested putting my name and cell # as an emergency contact, since she had no one designated. She does have another son, my half brother, but I don't have his contact information though I know others who do. I attempted contact with him once but he, too, never replied. I live a half hour from her in Kansas City, whilst he is in California.
Was this ethical or does it amount to stalking? I just don't want to find out too late that I could have done something to help her but didn't find out in time...
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D28Bob,
Tough question with the emotional aspects involved but I don't think you should have become an emergency contact. I understand the need but I don't think you have the right to go against her stated wishes.
Can you set up some type of google alert with the local newspapers?
Kind regards,
Dickons
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Since the manage suggested it, I don't think you crossed a line with providing that info to them. I wonder if there might be someone else in the community that you could get to know that would let you know either when she passed or when anything else of consequence happened. I know that's not what some people would do, but if it were me, I'd find a way to get the info I want without doing anything illegal.
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I do not see anything wrong with it. It is not like you re-did her will. Someone has to be there if something happens to her. Kudos to you for not walking away from it all.
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CaddoRose
Since the manage suggested it, I don't think you crossed a line with providing that info to them.
Not trying to start an argument here, but what if the manager suggested you take a key to her apartment or something like that? Just because the manager suggested it doesn't make it ok. Plus if you had told the manager the whole story, he/she very well may not have suggested you be the emergency contact. I would try to come up with another way to stay in the loop.
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D28Bob
I went to the office and asked if there was any way to be notified if she suffered a sudden health issue.
I think that if your main reason for wanting to know about your b-mom's possible sudden health issues is to be able to pro-actively take care of your own health, then you haven't done anything unethical. I think it's everyone's right to know their medical history, especially if it involves highly serious, life-threatening illnesses.
Conversely, I think it's unethical for people to knowingly withhold vital health info from their blood relatives. Almost as unethical as someone who knows that they have AIDS or other sexually transmittable diseases not telling their partners before sleeping with them.
But I do imagine that most states can not divulge health information without the patient's consent. I'm not sure if family members are allowed access to such info after the person dies 'tho.
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Thanks for the input. Yes, I still would like updated health information but that's a bridge my mother still refuses to cross. It affects my children as well as me; the legacy of shame and guilt apparently still casts its evil shadow for another generation!
But my primary feeling is still the age-old commandments; Do unto others as you would have them do to you, and Honor thy Father and Mother. So despite repeated rejections from both, I'll continue turning my cheeks and try to be there should their need or opportunity ever arise.
I cared for my adoptive parents and in-laws in their old age until their deaths; should I do less for my blood parents?
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D28Bob,
I get what you are saying and yes you should care about both sets of parents...but you are also conflicted on the do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If the roles were reversed and you wanted no contact and refused to even admit that she was your mother and you were in hospital - how would you want her to act? That is what your answer will be.
I don't think it is a bad thing to check up on her - even daily if you wanted to...but the emergency contact is what seems to be bothering you.
Can you talk to your half-brother or is he in denial too?
D
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D28Bob
I cared for my adoptive parents and in-laws in their old age until their deaths; should I do less for my blood parents?
IMHO one's actions depend upon one's values and morals. Whether or not you do decide to support and care for your blood parents depends upon how close you feel towards them. Or if bloodline filial piety and familial obligation are your core values, then yes, I'd say treat your blood parents the same as your adoptive parents.
I managed to reconcile that question by contrasting my feelings that I have towards other similarly-minded/similarly-behaving relatives. In other words, if someone within your adoptive family had the same personality traits as your b-parents, would you feel and care the same towards that adoptive relative?
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