Finding out from the other side

You may not have told him at the most optimum time but at least you are telling him before he hits puberty or later or never. I don't know how to tell him - the adoptive parents forum would give better advice. All I can say is to be prepared for this to impact him to some degree and just be willing to listen to what he has to say without being defensive - he will have questions (and they may not happen right away) and some probably won't come out in words that you would want him to use. He may ask who his real mom and dad are - that might be the only way he can figure out how to ask and just don't assume he does not think you are not his mom and dad because you cannot just erase history - you see where I am going? Let him use the language he feels works for the questions he needs to ask so he does not shut down...and that it isn't okay to talk about it. Above all - make sure he understands it is his story and right to know but that it changes nothing in regards to you guys - he is your son and will always be your son...I think he will need that reinforced just because kids can jump to all sorts of reasons like you are sending him away... Good luck and some parents view this board and may also chime in with ways to tell. Take care,Dickons

What kinds of questions is he asking? Just thinking there may be a good age-appropriate way to structure how you talk to him about this. As an adoptee, I have always known that I was adopted, but my parents shared more info as I got older, and it was more appropriate. As a mom through adoption to 2 babies, I plan to tell them the same way I was told. I'm not too familiar with how a 10 year old thinks yet (mine are just 1 now), so I don't have any specific phrases to suggest. I know I always understood that I didn't grow in my mom's tummy, but that she is always my mom. As I got older- I think pre-teens, I started asking more pointed questions, such as "Have you ever met the lady who had me?" or "Do you know anything about her?" But in the beginning, I just knew that I came into the family through someone else, but it wasn't a negative thing at all- they told me how special and wanted I was- and later on that I was loved so much by everyone involved for making that kind of decision to give me the best life and family possible. This is tougher for all of you because it is a family member- do you want to start out with just the adoption piece to get that understood and accepted and then later on bring in the rest? Or, just knock it all out at one time? Also, does his Aunt know you plan to tell him? She may have some suggestions, too. Just edited to say I read Dickon's post and agree with all said there, too.

You've gotten great advice. He may not have the vocabulary to say things that make you comfortable. He'll self-correct in time. Keep in mind this may be scary, exciting, and everything in between. This has the potential to change his relationship with his aunt/bmom permanently. I hope you're giving her some time to adjust. Good luck! I think the world may shift for you all a bit, but it will all be okay.

I have known that I as adopted as long as I can remember - so, waaaay back. I agree with Dickons that perhaps you did not share this information with him soon enough, but that cannot be undone. It's tricky because he knows his biological mother - so I think this may be confusing for him. And of course you'll also have to explain that he has half-siblings. Does his biological mother/family know that you plan on telling him? I would say that she should be involved or at least notified of this beforehand...since your son and your family has a relationship with her. [I'd post on the OA forums too since your situation sort of reminds me of an open adoption] What kinds of questions is he asking - does he suspect that he's adopted? If he doesn't know about adoption, or what it is, I'd be surprised if he asked those kinds of questions, so maybe you meant that he is asking the typical "where do babies come from" types of questions? Regardless, maybe know is the time to have that discussion, and you can incorporate his adoption into it - so something like "Babies come from a woman's belly [you can figure out how you want to explain the actual process of you-know-what to him - personally, I'd be as factual as possible without getting explicit] and sometimes one woman has a baby in her belly and that baby is adopted by a mommy and a daddy. Like you - you grew in Aunt X's tummy, and then we became your mommy and daddy." Something along those lines that clearly explains the role of his "aunt" and your roles as parents to your son. I'd buy some adoption books [there are many] and encourage your son to ask questions about adoption. You can also tell him that he can talk to his "aunt" about his adoption and ask her questions, too, if she agrees to that [which I assume she would]. You can also tell him that he and his half-siblings have something very special in common - they all grew in the same belly but have different mommies and daddies. The idea, I think, is to make the adoptee feel like being adopted is a positive and special thing, regardless of their age. You can tell him that you're going to celebrate the day you brought him home, along with his birthday, etc. Anything to make the situation seem like a positive and exciting thing for your son. This should be about him - - I'm sure it'll be uncomfortable to tell him, but he deserves to hear the truth. I'd imagine you're also going to start telling other people in your lives too at this point?

Hmm, well as an adopted child myself, i think the most comforting thing was that my parents explained my adoption into the family as being a positive thing for both the family and for me- which is completely was! My family never spoke of my being adopted as my birthmother "giving me up". In fact, that phrase never entered my vocabulary until recently [i'm 20 now] and i still don't feel that it resonates with my family situation. My parents also treated my entering the family as no graver occasion than a regular birth, which made it seem natural for me. I was adopted, my brothers were born by my Mother. So what? Big deal. We were all together and that's all that mattered.Although admittedly, my parents were up-front about my being adopted from the beginning, so he may react differently for you guys. [also i was adopted trans-racially, so it was kind of obvious from the start]Just try not to let his perception of himself get corrupted by what other kids might tell him- or what the media might. That old generic stigma that tries to decide who "real parents" are.

well, we told our son last week and took the weekend off to hang out as a family, overall I really really wished we would have started off when he was born, but we didnt know better! tearful on all sides, not alot of questions yet, really happy that his grandparents arent really different. he KNEW he had a bond with his cousins now half brothers! playing it day by day.......

Frank, Really glad to hear you told him and now are letting him set the pace. You bit the bullet and did the hardest part and I think you will be just fine...just remember he can read body language and you need to really try hard to not react if he says anything that may sting if he uses the wrong words... Just being there and being open will make the transition/acceptance easier is what he needs from you. Take care,Dickons