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My 17 year old niece has recently come to live with me. I have legal guardianship. What motivated her to come was years of deprivation and neglect: her mother is married to a meth addict and neither adult has time or energy to devote to their children, and it finally became too much for my niece, "Alicia."
My question is, it has been about three months and Alicia is not very responsive to the simple rules and/or guidelines. She mostly will not put her dishes in the sink after eating, for example. Sometimes she won't flush the toilet, she won't turn on the fan in the bathroom when showering, usually. She will drop things just where she is instead of putting them in the trash can, and she is not too responsive to my requests to keep food and drink out of her room. She will not put dirty clothes in a hamper and instead just strews them across the floor even though the hamper is three feet from the bed.
The funny thing is, she is not even very responsive to suggestions that are obviously in her interest, like not letting her laptop run on a blanket where it overheats. She would be devastated if the hard drive died from this abuse, and yet she doesn't respond to suggestions to avoid it.
Another major problem is bedtime. This is a combination of two problems: real insomnia, and staying up chatting with friends all night. During the school year, I can let "natural consequences" address this one (she's tired if she stays up late), but during the summer it's less clear cut. I could take away her electronics at night I suppose, but that would be a draconian step and we don't really have that type of relationship as she has chosen to live here voluntarily, if you know what I mean.
None of this is much of a surprise, she's just living here the way she lived at home for most of her life. My question is after three months, it's getting frustrating for me to repeat myself all the time and seeing so little in the way of results. Should I start attaching consequences to undesirable behaviors, and how can I do this in a "friendly" way? Or should I simply be more patient? What is the appropriate level of response here given her background?
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:flower: Although she has only been living with you three months I have to say the following and I have many friends parents experiencing the same thing.
In my experience with 3 bio teens right now a
lot of her behavior is normal! I find that using the following strategy is helping me: I often remind them how they have clothes on their backs, food in their bellies, and money in their pockets, rides to wear they need to go as needed.... so.... the least they can do is help me out by... picking up clothes, etc. I often use the word 'team'. She may feel honored to be included as part of your family and know that all family members need to chip in and help. Another tactic is writing down specifically what you want done. You can tell her, "tomorrow I have some things (or need help with) that need to be done would you like me to write them down for you or would telling you be better?"
I don't have curfew time for my kids either especially in the summer. But, they are not usually up past midnight! Unfortunately, you will feel like a 'nag'! That is part of our job. I try to be light humored about it but I set the expectation, try my best to follow through on it and remind them it's because I love them and am helping them to be better adults! You know, " oops the trash can is right over there for your stuff." My 18 yr. old has a very messy room and I leave it that way. Although he knows how I want it, about once a month with a "time to clean" I get it! This is about the best info. I have trying to live in harmony with soon to be adults!
As I tell them, I know they don't like me all the time but again I am the one who does........ for you!
Good luck
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Everybody is different, but if it were me, I would sit down and write out the expectations you have for her and her contribution to the house. What things she is responsible for keeping clean, chores, etc. She has probably never had a chore list or done anything and lived in a pig sty, so you are in a position to teach her a new way of living that she will be able to carry with her for the rest of her life. She probably doesn't really know how to clean. There is a process. You might make an entire list of possible chores for her to see. Then you can sit down with her and explain your expectations to her plainly. if you don't tell her what you expect, how is she to know? Hinting, bugging, nagging won't do it. Let her pick several chores that she wants to do from the list. you decide whether they are daily or weekly chores. Washing dishes can be daily, but taking out the trash may be weekly. By writing it down, she can see it and you can post the list for her too. You can also tie her chores to rewards. If she completes her chores, she gets X amount of time on the phone or computer.
thank you both kindly for your responses. MBear, I appreciate your response, but I guess I feel a bit like her behavior is not entirely normal, it's a little beyond that. Maybe because I have another teen here of similar age who can do simple things like turn out lights and so on. But mostly I just feel in my gut that this is going a little beyond normal, that there should be a little more responsiveness by this point and I am having to remind too much, like this lack of responsiveness is her way of showing me her "independence" or something.
CaddoRose, I think getting more explicit about expectations might be a good idea. I'd feel a little silly writing down things like "turn out lights when leaving room" and so on, but it seems worth a try! I was also wondering if either of you have any books to suggest for this type of suggestion ... sort of fostering an older teen who comes from a tough household but is almost an adult, chronologically at least.
Hello smalltownFLX.
I am a licensed counselor in Flint Michigan and I have offered postadoption services for years. I wonder if "Alicia" would benefit from counseling. Could she be grieving from the loss of her family? Or, maybe she is depressed. I realize this relocation was probably the best for her. Yet, it can be an emotional transition for a child when they are exposed to a parent with a drug addition and later end up relocating to a new home. In addition, no one really knows what else Alicia has experienced. Here in Michigan, there are counseling services that can help a child and the responsible family get through such transitions. Maybe those resources exist in your neighborhood too.
[URL="http://richardsonsconsulting.com/blog/index.php/services/post-adoption-services-for-adoptive-familes-flint-mi/"]Feel free to visit my website.[/URL]
A lot of this may also be habit. Not flushing the toilet is something that is common when water is expensive (you only flush for number 2) or the water frequently gets turned off. A lot of this is probably just new and a lot to remember. It seems simple, but after so many years of doing things differently it's a whole lot of new instructions and hard to remember. For some things, signs might help. Like a sign in the bathroom that says please flush every time. I would also pick one thing at a time to really work on. Maybe get with her and together pick out one goal a week to make a new habit. Maybe clothes in the hamper one week and trash another week. The food in the room may be the hardest one to break, because she has probably had to hide food in the past to have some for later or to have enough to eat. She probably feels safer in her room, drug addicts tend to be abusive at times and so hiding out of thier sight was probably safer.
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I used the word probably only because I lived in a home similar to the one the OP spoke of Alicia coming from. I have also spoken with and worked with children who come from homes where parents are drug addicts. The OP mentioned years of deprevation and neglect. So my probably's are all guesses. I have never met Alicia and dont' know the OP personally. (though I would be happy to chat via PM if she wishes) I also took in a 16 year old relative who had been living with virtually no rules or structure and had to deal with similar issues. I am glad to report that my relative is about to turn 30 in a month and she is now a happily married mother who has a great job and a clean house and is doing very well. I am very, very proud of her.
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