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Hi, I am new here. I wanted some advice about how to deal with adoption. I am young adult Korean adoptee who was left at city hall when I was about 1 and lived in 2-3 orphanages up to about 5 and a half. The Korean government had to make up my name and birthday so I will never be able to find my birthmother even if I wanted to. Also, I have a physical disability and the very few memories of the orphanage are typically not pleasant. My adoptive sister saw me getting kicked just for asking to go the bathroom (I needed a lot of help back then). This probably happened several times because even to this day, I drink about 1-2 glasses of liquid a day and limit how much I go to the bathroom. This and some other things made me think I was an nuisance, a burden, and not "good enough". Another thing is that I seem to shut other people out of my life and tend to avoid intimacy (in the general sense). Sorry about the intensity of this post. I just have been struggling with accepting my adoption for years and was hoping to reach out to others. Thank you for reading! Do you guys have any similar experiences or any advice?
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I can understand your feelings so well. Sometimes circumstances come about over which we had no control. Often these same decisions were made before we were born. And even now, we are still linked to them.My a-family bought a child through the black market. When that child died at age 3, I became a replacement child sold into that a-family.When I was 3, the 1st a-mom died and no one wanted me. I was tainted, suspect and a left over from a previous marriage.My a-father didn't want children and there was abandonment. His 2nd wife had no interest in adoption and there was abuse. What 2nd a-mom could not do, she left for others.Many posters have shared the love, devotion, and deep feelings for their adopted children and they have a commitment to providing a better life for those children. The feelings they share are almost overwhelming.Luckily, time has a way of healing much of what happened. Triggers and other reminders don't come as often. The dark side that many of us have experienced fades. We will remain linked but healing is often slow, and a lifetime process. Now adoption and the ongoing concern for children is better and an indication of how far adoption has come.Those feelings of love, care and concern could have happened to us, but our pathway was different.I wish you the best.
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SCH, Welcome to the forums. One thing I have learned about our stories (adult adoptees) regardless of country is that there is a lot of truth left out and a lot of lies made up. If you are looking specifically to connect to other Korean adoptees have you connected with KAAN yet? [url=http://www.kaanet.com/]About KAAN[/url] There are some really excellent adult adoptee Korean bloggers - YoonsBlur is one I really enjoy - she has amazing words and tons of empathy. Raina from Faith and Illusions is another and Margie at Third Mom is an adoptive mother of now adult Korean adoptees...all or any of them are good resources. Stick around here and get to know us - summer is kind of slow for posts but we all come with our own unique losses and search to overcome. Kind regards,Dickons
It is no surprise you have many hurts and burdens. Even for those of us who did not experience as much tragedy as others, there is pain, misgivings, insecurities.
As for advice, I'd suggest staying in touch with the pain and difficulties rather than avoiding them. Seek out support groups. Find means of inner healing. I have been surprised that so much of my "spiritual work" has centered around childhood hurts and pains. Thankfully, I have experienced change and healing as a result.
There is no magic bullet, though. I think the way out is through.
I wish you well on the journey.
SCH,Welcome to the forums! Many adoptees, particularly international ones, can very much relate to the feelings you'd described. And the severity and abuse of your early beginnings leave a lot to come to terms with and so good for you for reaching out for support. Many adoptees feel that we're a 'burden', that our being 'rescued' can never be repaid, that we're not good enough, etc; And then some of us may feel bad for feeling bad. I recommend having a look at the [URL="http://www.icasn.org"]Inter-Country Adoptee Support Network[/URL] and Global Overseas Adoptees' Link [URL="http://www.goal.or.kr/eng/"]–’–’ G.O.A.'L - Global Overseas Adoptees' Link ⢢–’–’[/URL] You might also like to read, "The Colour of Difference: Journeys in Transracial Adoption" published by Federation Press - written by 27 adult intercountry and/or transracial adoptees about their feelings, experiences, etc; The good news is that many adoptees can and do somehow come to terms with our situation, our past, our losses. My main piece of advice is to find a safe place to grieve and express your feelings (these forums are one good option) as well as read up on post-adoption stuff. Also, if you can afford a counsellor, I'd recommend finding one who's familiar with adoption. If you can't find someone who's familiar with adoption issues, at least a counsellor who's familiar with grief, loss, trauma and who's open to adoption-related info. In the meantime, feel free to share and seek support here. It's a very understanding and supportive bunch, no matter how intense the postings.
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I forgot to mention that you might also be able to hook up with post-adoption support groups. If you click on the "Local Adoption" link at the top of adoption.com, you might be able to find groups via there. Alternatively, Betty Jean Lifton's book, "Journey of the Adopted Self", has a list of resources at the back. Finally, to help strengthen a sense of hope amidst all the grief, I found that it helped to learn about famous, successful adoptees (eg. Oprah Winfrey, John Lennon, Steve Jobs - founder of Apple). There's a list of famous adoptees in adoption.com. While I don't know how much they associate with being an adoptee, it still helps to know that many can live fulfilling lives despite huge struggles and tragedy. One docco that I found truly awe inspiring was one called, "Moment By Moment: The Healing Journey of Molly Hale" - produced by an award-winning film director Dorothy Fadiman [URL="http://concentric.org/page2.html"]Concentric Media Home Page[/URL] It's about a woman who ended up paralysed from the neck down due to a severe car accident and changed her life around to the point where she was one of the torch bearers in the Atlanta Olympics. Not adoption-related, but still very, very inspiring. Whatever you find that helps, the really good news is that you're mustering up the guts to come to terms with your emotional stuff, your past, your losses and seeking out advice. I'm a big fan of support groups so may you find these online groups helpful.
